Ow. Seriously. Please stop that. I can’t imagine a situation in which that would feel good. Do you think that some girls would actually enjoy that? Is it a European thing or something? Maybe you picked it up during that semester you spent in Italy.

But, um, when not in Rome, man. Honestly, that wasn’t desirable in the slightest. Can you hand me my pants? Wow, maybe some Neosporin, too.

Did your watch get caught down there or something? It felt like you were putting a pineapple in one end and pulling it out the other. Should I have enjoyed that? Do you want me to… am I supposed to do that to you now? Is there a bib or something I can wear?

Was that your toe? It felt like a toe was involved, but your feet were up here. Oh god, we are the only ones in here, right?

Is this because of that party we went to last week and my drunk coworker was complaining about how sex with her husband gives her a ‘bore-gasm’? I only laughed to be polite. That was a pity nod I gave her. That girl is awful. I hate her. But not nearly as much as I hate what just happened to me. I’m not bored with you at all. That was way too much excitement. I think I was on the edge of a terror-gasm.

I bet there’s less creepy poking and pinching when lobsters have sex. My chest is starting to throb. I think I’m feeling some kind of sexual aftershock. Am I supposed to not be able to smell things right now? Is this normal? Can you smell things? Undo what you’ve done to me!

I know some people like to have a cigarette after, but right now seems like a great time to start a serious crack addiction. Or huffing. Is huffing still a thing? I’ll do anything to erase this feeling.

Is there even a name for that? The Caress of Death? The Cincinnati Fondue? The Spidery Embrace Except With Eight Long Sharp Prickly Carrot-Width Spiky Things Instead of Legs.

What if you ever have a son and he did that to somebody? Wouldn’t you be disgusted? I saw you reading through one of my Cosmos the other day. I think you really must have some body parts confused or something.

Well, this is definitely going to be awkward from now on. I think we both need to take a few showers. But separately.

Photo by Stock Project on DeviantArt

  • Ray Charles

    Hi, did you record an audio version of this monologue? I’m blind

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