Slacktory

horse miracles- heaven

Jenny was a horse girl. We were in first grade. She once chased me around on the playground with a stick she had been chewing on. I went to one of her birthday parties once and she had paper plates with pretty prints of horses, a cake with a horse made of frosting, and cups with ponies dancing in circles. She dreamed of horses. She told us all about how one day she would have the most beautiful black horse kept in a stable that she had already picked out about 15 minutes outside of the city. She sometimes came to school smelling a little like piss. And all of us, like the cruel children we were, made fun of her non-stop.

Jenny was a horse girl, and if the internet had been around, she may have found solace online. Horse Girl Problems is a Tumblr that describes relatable moments for horse girls and sincerely answers questions posed by its feminine equestrian readership.


Source: Horse Girl Problems

And while most ‘___ problems’ blogs might be taken with a hint of irony, the audience at Horse Girl Problems sincerely relates to these text macros. The above was reblogged by user sparklyzombie with the response, “Cannot tell you how many times this happened to me…”


Source: Horse Girl Problems

But just like poor Jenny got made fun of on the playground in first grade IRL, the internet finds a way. Enter Horse Girl Miracles, a (NSFW, if your workplace isn’t the kind of workplace that’s ok with you having a horse penis on your screen) blog for the most extreme horse-loving ladies online:


Source: Horse Girl Miracles


Source: Horse Girl Miracles


Source: Horse Girl Miracles


Source: Horse Girl Miracles


Source: Horse Girl Miracles


Source: Horse Girl Miracles

Now I’m gonna ruin why the blog is funny and take a second to explain:  While the blog seems to be largely filled with graphics created by Joel from Blame Aspartame, it advertises itself as  largely based on reader submissions. How much of these are actual, legit submissions from an anonymous readership is unverifiable. Horse Girl Miracles uses MS-Paint-comic design tropes, the types of misspellings you’d likely see in a Dolan comic, and imagined pornographic and romantic scenarios between the girls and their horses to create images that are simultaneously mocking and paying tribute to the horse girls of our times. The effect is that I’ve spent too much time laughing at my desk browsing the images, trying (and failing) to explain exactly what is so funny.

I can’t help but feel a little bad about it though. Doing the research to write this post, I actually started to admire the horse girls’ tenacity, their commitment to loving a large domesticated labor animal, and enthusiasm for riding sports mostly intended for an aging society and dwindling aristocracy. While I don’t see beauty in the beasts the way they do, their ability to be proud of who they are in the face of adversity is something I can both relate to and find heroic.

The same ladies behind Horse Girl Problems also attempted to start a blog for the male of the species at horseguyproblems.tumblr.com, which doesn’t seem to have been successful. One of the posts on the site itself may explain why:


Source: Horse Guy Problems

If you’re out there horse guys, help these girls out.

Top image from Horse Girl Miracles

  • Rachel Johnson

    Yup they are messed up girls, my boyfriend dated a few of them and is relentless about how nuts they are. I knew one in school as well and she was very questionable lol

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