[SCENE: Interior, sub-basement room of the White House, where ghosts live because obviously that's true. The ghosts of several former Presidents - Andrew Jackson, John Adams, Grover Cleveland, Martin Van Buren (ugh), and Woodrow Wilson - have gathered to watch the night's coverage of the Democratic National Convention on CSPAN. It's your usual party. Everyone has brought the cheapest bottle of wine and some variation of Sabra hummus. No one bothered to remember crackers or pita. Basically, there is a lot of hummus.]
Adams: Okay, I don’t know what to say now. “I like Bill Clinton’s approach to policy, government, and its varying nuisances”?
Jackson: IT’S JUST THAT I DON’T THINK THAT-
Jackson: IT’S NOT FAIR.
Adams: Why are we still having this conversation?
Jackson: Because Bill Clinton cheated on his wife, James! Okay? In, like, a disgustingly public way, and then they impeached him for it! Seriously! That was a thing! And now he’s going to give a speech where everyone loves him and I don’t think that this is fair at all! There. I said it. Do you know what Rachel and I went through?
Adams: To be fair, though, didn’t you also kill a ton of Indians, and were kind of a dick about it for basically the entire time?
Jackson: Uh, to be fair, didn’t you sign the Alien and Sedition Act?
Van Buren: I thought we agreed not to talk politics tonight.
Jackson: OH MY GOD, why are you even at this party right now.
Wilson [to Van Buren]: Please, please, don’t mind him or bring this up again. He gets extremely nervous at these kinds of things.
Cleveland: Both of you, stop talking.
Jackson: HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU THIS HILARIOUS STORY ABOUT HENRY CLAY.
Jackson: You don’t want to hear it again?
Van Buren: You know, and this is just an FYI, but today is also the start of the NFL regular season. We could watch that instead.
Wilson [ignoring Van Buren]: I thought it was a fine speech. He touched on several real and popular progressive policy issues and reforms.
Adams: I agree.
Wilson: It was a somewhat didactic but ultimately necessary measure in order to reinvigorate the base of the party. After all, you know, that’s Clinton. The line about Michelle Obama was so-so, given that the last person who should be talking about stable marriages is Bill Clinton (what country was Hillary in)? But it doesn’t matter. I feel like it worked! The party needs a good talking to about its issues! Besides, who else actually stays up until 11:30 to watch C-SPAN except people like us?
Jackson: YOU KNOW, THE TEA PARTY IS JUST LIKE THE WHIG PARTY BUT WITH CABLE AND THE INTERNET, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT. LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT FOR THEM.
Van Buren: Jesus.
Cleveland: Ugh, he smells like whiskey. I thought we locked the liquor cabinet?
Jackson: GROVER, WHY ARE YOU HERE AND WHY DO YOU HAVE THE NAME OF A SESAME STREET CHARACTER?
Cleveland: I have no idea what this means. Also, I got to be President twice.
Adams: Shut up.
Wilson: Seriously, Grover, though, no one even knows who you are. I agree with the motion. Shut up.
Cleveland: I have a couple of thoughts about Reconstruction!
EVERYONE ELSE: *face palm*