After delaying the Republican National Convention (RNC) to avoid damage from Not a Climate Change Event Isaac, the Republican National Committee (for some stupid reason, also RNC) has released a highly compressed schedule for the RNC (Convention, not Committee). In response, we here at Slacktory have compiled a helpful guide to the most important parts of the Convention so you can catch all your favorite Republicans!
Tuesday Aug. 28, 2012
4:00 PM – Roll Call for Nomination of President of the United States
The delegates from each state will be called in alphabetical order to submit their vote for the Republican nominee. Listen closely for the sound of Ron Paul devotees’ outlandish scenarios and ludicrous hopes being dashed against the rocks of political reality. This is the primary business of the convention! This is why we’re here, and it’s like the third thing they do on day one. For some reason, no one goes home after this.
7:00 PM – Remarks by Speaker John Boehner
Speaker Boehner will hold up today’s copy of USA Today and read a pre-written message to the convention that will include the Republican platform as well as a list of popular policies and absolutely crucial, completely uncontroversial programs that will not be passed if the demands of the platform are not met. Though Boehner had a black cloth bag over his head in some practice runs, it is unclear whether he will wear it for the actual convention. He will be joined on stage by Minority Leader Eric Cantor, who will menacingly wield a gavel.
7:30 PM – Remarks by Former Senator Rick Santorum
Former senator and risky search term Rick Santorum will follow the roll call for Nomination of President of the United States by insisting that he will stay in this race until the very end, and that dropping out now would be “like quitting before the guy who won the gold medal has actually received his medal and also been tested for doping!” He is expected to emphasize Romney’s “dangerous” connection to a completely constitutional healthcare bill passed by a duly elected Congress that makes everything better for everyone, and he will ask if a man who couldn’t even beat Rick Santorum can be expected to beat Barack Obama.
10:00 PM – Remarks by Ann Romney
“Future First Lady” Ann Romney, who will be introduced by the first lady of Puerto Rico, is expected to call for greater unity between the nations of the United States and Puerto Rico, “our greatest ally that isn’t Israel.” In response to recent criticisms about the Republican Party’s attitudes toward women, Ms. Romney will emphasize positive aspects of the party platform, including the importance of increased incentives for pregnant women to get married already and stop embarrassing their families.
10:15 PM – Keynote Speech by Governor Chris Christie
Historically the convention keynote speech has been an opportunity for rising stars in the party to stand out; Barack Obama’s speech in 2004 heralded his successful campaign in 2008, and Ronald Reagan’s 1976 “Time of Choosing” speech launched him from party notable to the third of eight Mormon Heavens. The famously outspoken and frequently contentious Gov. Christie will seek to carry on that tradition by barking and angrily shaking his jowls. Early reports indicate that his impassioned delivery and mouth-foaming enthusiasm during practice runs moved aides to tears.
Wednesday Aug. 29, 2012
7:30 PM – Ron Paul Video
Day two will include a sendoff honoring 12-term Representative Ron Paul, a controversial but prominent party member known as “Dr. No” for his insistence on Constitutional principles and steadfast ignorance of inconvenient Supreme Court precedents. He has in recent years inspired a fiercely loyal following that calls itself the re”love”ution or something stupid like that. The sendoff will include a video featuring high-ranking Republicans offering remarks on Paul’s illustrious career. Said Speaker Boehner of his departure, “Seriously, he’s done now, right? For good this time?”
8:00 PM – Remarks by Senator John McCain
Arizona senator and last gasp of a dying Republican competence John McCain will highlight the pressing need to defeat Barack Obama; he is expected to draw on events from “back in [his] day” when a man didn’t have to know how many houses he owned and Obama hadn’t ruined everything because McCain hadn’t lost to him yet. He will also apologize profusely for opening Pandora’s Idiotic Box and praise Romney’s choice of the entirely literate Paul Ryan.
9:00 PM – Remarks by Governor Tim Pawlenty
In response to concerns that the condensed convention schedule was too fast-paced and would exhaust attendees, organizers scheduled Tim Pawlenty to speak at around halftime.
9:30 PM – Remarks by Mike Huckabee
Former Gov. Mike Huckabee will speak on the historical relationship between Christianity, America, and free speech; party insiders note that while he has only ever said not-true things about those topics, they are optimistic that the guitar solo will draw attention away fro- wait, holy shit, they’re letting a Fox News contributor with his own show just say whatever he wants at the Convention? So we’re not even pretending anymore?
10:00 PM – Remarks by VP nominee Rep. Paul Ryan
Presumptive VP nominee Paul Ryan will give an eighty page speech laying out the foundations of Catholic Social Teaching and harshly criticizing poor people for ruining everything. He is said to have relied heavily on the epistemology of Thomas Aquinas, or maybe he just relied on how impressive that sounds. The speech, expected to last about an hour and a half, will be given entirely from plank position because seriously, that’s how strong his abs are.
Thursday Aug. 30, 2012
7:45 PM – Remarks by Newt and Callista Gingrich
Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich will be joined by his wife Callista, as they highlight the importance of defending the sanctity of marriage and not backing down in the face of stunning irony or truly grotesque hypocrisy. Party insiders also expect Dr. Gingrich to say something incredibly racist, noting that even though his prepared remarks have been thoroughly vetted, he has somehow never failed in this respect before.
8:00 PM – Remarks by Former Governor Jeb Bush
The former Governor of Florida and constant reminder of What Could Have Been, Jeb Bush has prepared remarks on the state of the party. Sources close to the one articulate Bush expect him to break down and weep uncontrollably as he begs the party to “get back to the business of having ideas and leading instead of shitting on the legacy of Ronald Reagan and celebrating idiocy, for the love of all that is holy, you appalling philistines.” From there he will sink to the floor, put his head in his hands, sob softly and repeat, “What happened to us? What happened to us?” until his time expires.
After his remarks, Bob White, chairman of Romney’s campaign, will thank him for his enthusiastic endorsement.
10:00 PM – Remarks by Presidential nominee Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney will play a banjo in an attempt to look folksy. It’s going to be a huge disaster, you guys.
Photo by Mel Finkelstein / NY Daily News