Slacktory

Asking Charlton Heston when characters pee

I can always count on Reddit to be focused on 20 things at once. Many Redditors cannot even sit through a movie without thinking about a multitude of things other than the plot or performance. The things they think about are utterly bizarre, and a little TV Tropes-ish.

Recently KingQajar asked, “What unusual things do you think about during a movie?” He admits:

Always when I watch a movie I think about what the minor characters think in life-threatening situations. Like in Zombieland, when that mother is driving away from a birthday party. What would go through her mind, knowing that her little girl is now a zombie clawing away the windows and that she’s probably going to die a horrible death soon?

Bill_jones is a practical man:

Whenever I see an actor who is excessively unattractive and their role hinges on that unattractive quality, I wonder what the casting call was like.

Role: Extra. Females age 65-90, bald, must not have any teeth, morbid obesity a plus.

Aeon_fuzz must work in HR:

In anything where there’s a big, evil supervillain with hordes of henchmen who dress like or have quirks similar to said supervillain, I always think, “How did they get in that line of work?” Or “Where did they get those costumes?”

Take the Schumacher Batman films for example. You have the guys running around in arctic suits and ice skates with Mr. Freeze. And Two-Face’s men all have mostly black leather clothes and custom two-colored masks. At some point, Two-Face had to sit down with a few of his most trusted lieutenants and say, “This is how I want you guys to dress.” One of those poor saps had to handle the logistics behind that — Whether he had to put in a bulk order with a costume shop, or maybe just kidnap some unlucky tailor and have him endlessly crank out these things.

And how exactly do you become one of Mr. Freeze’s henchmen? Most villains have secret lairs, and if frickin’ Batman can’t find it, then an average criminal can’t just roll up and knock on the door asking for work. Does the villain put out ads? Surely he would have had to interview each one, face to face to make sure he wasn’t an undercover cop or something. I still have no clue how one would go about working for a super villain.

Stregano considers insurance:

One thing I was always curious about in superhero movies: Who pays for the busted cars on the road?

It is not my fault that some evil being from another dimension released hordes of evil onto the city. I mean, Hulk did not have to grab my car to throw at the evil being, but he did and now my car is split in half. Who is going to pay for that? I am pretty sure my car insurance does not cover big green monster men ripping them in half and throwing them at evil beings.

Or the city scenes in the Transformer movies. Do the Transformers themselves pay for the damaged vehicles, or does the government? What about when the Transformers, whose base is stationed in America, go to another country and destroy those vehicles? Does the US government pay for them?

Something tells me CSPearce07 has spent a little too much time at the DMV:

Does someone have to pay insurance and tax on the Transformers themselves, as some of them are technically motor vehicles?

Pwn5t4r gets to the really mind-blowing stuff:

Do Transformers become inactive if they run out of gas?

Micktravis needs to stop watching movies in philosophy class:

The fact that virtually every film set in contemporary times takes place in an alternate universe where the stars of the film are not famous. In the world of The Shining there is no such star as Jack Nicholson.

Urbanexotic lets their nerd flag fly:

Not sure if it’s an unusual thing to think of, but on my umpteenth viewing of Fellowship of the Ring I counted out the number of D&D rounds of combat during the troll battle in Moria.

BryceKelly’s roommate plans naps:

My housemate does this thing in every movie he watches, where he thinks about how well the main character will sleep at the end of the movie.

I think Bruce Willis in Die Hard so far is supposed to have the best sleep. I haven’t asked in a while.

Motherfuckin_oedipus has a one-track mind:

I always wonder how male characters find the time and place to masturbate. I mean, even Darth Vader must have let one go every now and then.

Mepalm considers location:

Why the fuck anyone still lives in Gotham.

So does TheCloned, from a different perspective:

Or why all the bad guys focus so much on Gotham. When watching the first one, I just kept wondering why the League of Shadows didn’t expand their horizons a bit.

Gjallard is in your eyeline:

I often catch myself thinking what the scene would look like if I were standing exactly opposite the camera. That is, I am behind the actors watching the actors and the crew and the cameras.

RussRufo plays Midnight in Paris:

I always imagine movies and TV from the perspectives of people from the past. Like, what would Oscar Wilde think of today’s big hit movies? What would Lucille Ball and William Frawley think of Friends? What would roll in Marilyn Monroe’s mind as she’s watching a Dove commercial? How would FDR or JFK react to Obama’s State of the Union address?

Also, I like to imagine historical dramas like The Tudors from the perspective of someone who knew little to nothing about that period’s history and character.

Cassieko has very reasonable acting fantasies:

I always pick out which bit part I would have wanted to be cast in.

It’s always the person who bumps into the main character and says something stupid like, “Hey watch it!” or the lady ordering coffee in front of them or something. A role you could show to your family members but is otherwise nondescript.

Samsonthedog2003 is focused on everything but what happens on screen:

I like to think of what happens to the characters during the times when they are not on screen. In the Sixth Sense for instance, how did Bruce Willis’ character not figure out sooner that he was a ghost? Was he just walking around for that entire year thinking that no one was talking to him as a prank?

Yohansen5b gets technical:

Usually the economics of the situation. For example: The scale of engineering, budgets, and documentation of the technology employed by the Empire in Star Wars. How much actual money, in science or research or iterative models, was spent building the Death Star? Then, on top of that, all the other vehicles and buildings on literally every planet. Where the materials for all these structures native to the environment in which they were built? Did they ship all that stuff in? What were the transportation costs? Did they seek multiple contracting bids?

GauisAugustusCaesar craves justice:

Whenever the shy protagonist is humiliated or harassed by a bully (even in cases where the character’s aren’t highschoolers) I always feel bad for them and angry at their oppressor. I also get horribly frustrated when the protagonist doesn’t get his revenge/justice to the point where I can’t get my mind off it.

To make myself feel better I remind myself that IRL the actor who plays the lead is likely better paid, better laid and more famous than the guy who plays the bully, so fuck that guy he ain’t got shit on the lead. But then I also imagine that IRL both actors are probably buds and hang out for beers and shit after the day’s shooting and suddenly the bully isn’t so bad, just slightly misunderstood.

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