Slacktory

artistic blue fart

Farts are funny. They can make even the strictest teacher giggle, and bring levity to the most depressing of situations. And everyone does it, which means that even when you’re mortified for having ripped one in public, it’s hard to not laugh at yourself. Farts are that good. Louis C.K. sums up the genius of farts rather nicely:

You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to.

When redditor murphy1210 asked, “What are the worst or most inappropriate times you have farted?”, everyone stepped up. Many of the responses are pure poetry. I laughed so hard that I farted.

We’ve got the highlights here for you, but if you’ve got the time, be sure to check out the full thread. It’s silly enough to bring you out of the deepest funk.

SubtleNoveltyAcct’s gas defies the laws of physics:

I had to fart once, and I was on an elevator. I did that little ab crunch you do to move it along, and RIGHT before it ripped the doors opened and a half dozen people got on.

At this point, the only thing holding that fart in was force of will and the fact that I have unusually strong buttocks. I had my head tilted back, cords standing out on my neck, tears in my eyes, and I was counting down in my head until we’d hit my floor.

Elevator got stuck. I didn’t know if we’d be stuck five minutes or five hours, but it did NOT matter. I couldn’t hold it another second. We had JUST jerked to a stop, and all the chit chat stopped abruptly as everyone was wondering what was up.

And then, it erupted like a supernova out of my ass. In Sunday School they’d talked about how at the End of Days the angels would blow their trumpets, and God would descend from on high as the sound echoed through the world.

This was louder. By far. Like a shotgun right next to your ear. It actually rocked my body forward as it erupted from me. There was no way to deny it was me as it seemed to actually propel me across the elevator.

Then more silence. Silence, and judgmental stares. I have never felt so hated in all my life. Just utter disgust on every face, contempt for my very existence, it seemed.

Then the elevator started. To this day, I’m fairly sure it was the sheer explosive power of that fart that shot the elevator back into motion.

Supakewlguy couldn’t take the fall for this little bro:

My little brother (who was 8 at the time) let out about a 3-second fart at my Grandma’s funeral. Everyone around us started to bust out laughing but had their heads down so to everyone else it looked like they were crying. The worst part was he was staring at me with such a sad face. Like, “Help me.” I felt like taking the blame but people aren’t as forgiving about a grown man farting in public.

I suspect that thndrchld’s username has its origins in this tale:

In middle school, if your reading grades were high enough they’d let you skip class and work in the office, fetching students whose parents had come to get them, delivering messages to the teachers, etc.

One day, I was sitting in the office waiting for an assignment, and the guy next to me would not shut the fuck up. He kept going on and on about something retarded, and would NOT drop the point, no matter how many times I told him to stuff it.

Then, a bubbling was a-brewing. This was perfect. This would be legendary. I looked at him, with a big, cheesy grin, slowly lifted my ass cheek off the chair, and bore down on the beast.

It was a blast of mythical proportions. Only… it wasn’t alone. The trumpetous bellowing heralded an onslaught of demonic chocolate pudding, rushing forth from the breach to lay waste to my hapless pants. The invading tide rolled down my pant leg, and dripped onto the floor.

Silence. Nobody moved. The office lady stopped, mid-sentence on the phone. The previously loquacious child now stand in silent reverence for my fallen comrade-pants. Even the supple tones of Kenny-G seemed to grow quieter in respect for this solemn moment.

Slowly, I raised my hand.

May I use the phone, please?

Unfortunately, my pants could not be saved. May they battle forever in Valhalla. However, their sacrifice was not in vain, for that kid both feared and respected me henceforth.

Bards still sing of that fortuitous day.

SKZSKZ2 had impeccable timing:

Aged 13, at school. Sitting on a hard plastic chair. Felt one brewing. I was waiting for the room to get noisy because it was bound to happen in French: the kids ran riot.

A loud spell ensued. I prepared to release the beast. A perfect plan.

Then something unexpected happened. The quiet, meek teacher that the other kids used to torture went ballistic. She started shouting and telling the kids off. They were shocked into silence.

The teacher berated the class for a while, as I fought the beast one-on-one in mortal combat. It was straining at the leash, but the teacher showed no signs of relenting.

Gradually the beast began to overpower me. The teacher had singled out the main troublemaker in class and was remonstrating directly to him.

With a final flourish, the teacher ended her rant with, “And WHAT have you got to say about THAT?”

With a timing so perfect it would be predictable in any farce, the beast wriggled free of my clenched cheeks, providing a flourish of its own, which rippled loudly around the stunned and silent classroom.

As the echoes died away, the shocked silence turned to one of awe. My classmates were confronted at last by my failure in the silent struggle to protect them. The size of the beast cowed them momentarily, before they totally lost their shit and fell about laughing.

I was summarily ordered from the room to stand in shame outside, whilst the beast wrecked havoc on the nasal passages of the victims who remained trapped inside with it.

They also popped up later in the thread with this gem:

Not really unexpected or inappropriate, but when we were kids my sister and I did fart circles. Stand by your victim. Release. Start running. If you complete a circle, your victim is now trapped in a perfect ring of fart gas. If they move, they move into it. If they stand still, it contracts on them anyway. A perfect and dastardly plot.

Obviously we carried this on into adulthood.

My step-daughter returned from visiting her dad once, with a big grin on her face, and proclaimed, “I trapped daddy in a fart circle.” I understand how those ancient Christian missionaries felt, watching the Britons building their first primitive churches.

TL;DR I am on a mission from god

Lestrangesque caught herself off-guard:

I was very near the end of an AP English Literature essay. This fart was unlike any other. It made an almost perfect POOOT. I have relative pitch and can still sing you the note that fart struck. At the time I was one of about 5 people finished early. Immediately afterward I distinctly heard the sound of twenty pencils come to a screeching halt. I say I heard it because I had been asleep. The fart was what woke me in the first place. I knew in that first moment of dawning comprehension that I had two immediate choices. Open my eyes or pretend I was still sleeping. Unfortunately I chose the latter. I let loose an immaculate once in a lifetime singing fart that rang out in beauty and grace, and pretended to keep on sleepin’ on.

Someone tried to shame tuskman22 to no avail:

I recently started working out, and have been eating a ton of protein. During my second week of working out, I’m at the gym doing lat pulldowns, and all of the sudden I feel my stomach start to rumble. I know that feeling all too well. I knew there’d be no way I could hold it in while pushing out during my pulldown, so I just let it rip. It wasn’t loud, but it was pure sulfuric stench. Absolutely putrid.

The woman next to me stops her set, looks at me and goes “JESUS” and walks away. I tried so hard not to laugh but similar to my fart, I couldn’t hold it in.

DizzyRUSH gives my favorite description of a fart sound ever:

During my time in elementary school, for one week every year, we had to take a standardized test. No less than two years in a row, I farted during those tests. I think that when I get anxious I get gassy.

In any case, these farts were not silent but deadlies that I could get away with. Noooooo. These were long, loud, shhhhhhmmmmpppt sounding motherfuckers that sounded like they ended in a question. Which on both occasions caused the whole room to burst out in laughter, to the point where the teacher was trying to scold us and quiet us down while trying to stifle her own laughter.

Radiobrat78 got trolled:

We played the “Safety” game as kids. The game is you fart, and have to yell out “SAFETY” or you get pummeled. We are riding in the van, and smell a BAD one. Like the lake monster had dredged up something nasty, eaten it, and regretted it. We are all looking around to decide whom to pounce on, when my mother, with the biggest grin on her face, turns around from the front seat and quietly says, “Safety”.

I_Said ruined any chances of being a ladies’ man:

College. Sitting in the second row, surrounded by about 5 of the hottest women on campus (by pure chance) in a philosophy class. I’m a lazy sophomore, so I’m lounging back in my chair with one leg up on the back of the chair in front of me.

I let one rip that I thought would be silent. Loud enough that the teacher stopped the class because he couldn’t stop laughing at what I’d done. Sadly, the women around me were not impressed by my ass’s mating call.

Blazhinga started a new Christmas tradition:

Once during Christmas here in the Midwest, it was about -10 outside, and my wife and two kids and I were happily putting up the tree when I felt a silent hot one trying to work its way out.

I obliged, and it managed to be the most sulfurous, tear-inducing fart I’d ever produced. It was almost as if I could see its path as it traveled to each individual, as I watched it hit them, then try to dismiss it as not possible, then watch the horror as they looked at me trying to hold back laughter and realize that indeed, they had just been punched square in the olfactory nerve.

My wife chose to stand outside in the 10-below cold until the smell dissipated. She was actually so physically hot from the experience, that she stood out there for about 10 minutes without a coat.

Every year now that the tree goes up, my son retells the whole story. Its become part of the lore of Christmas in our household.

PsychoKuros’ manners got the better of him:

The setting: Government class in my senior year of high school.

Everyone is not really paying attention and is just talking away. I’m chatting away when I feel a rumbling in my gut, but I ignore it. Right as the room gets silent, I let out a fart that hit the plastic chair so hard and so squeaky that it sounded like I stomped on a duck.

The smart thing to do would have just kept my mouth shut but no. My inner Canadian wanted to come out. I follow up my fart by screaming, “EXCUSE ME!”

Elements018’s barely managed to come out a victor:

I just started seeing this new girl, this was about the 3rd time we had met up. It was a casual night, we went to her friend’s party. On the drive home, I was about to drop her off at her house, it was getting late and we ended up just sitting in the car chatting it up.

After about an hour of talking, I really had to take a number 2. I was trying to hold it in, but I needed to let out some nasty farts. It was like I was farting inside myself and made it sound like my stomach was growling. Now it has been 2 hours just chilling inside the car talking to each other. She kept asking, “Oh are you hungry?” She could hear my “stomach growling.” Finally I slipped and let a silent baby one out while were talking. She paused and asked if I just farted. I said, “Yeah. Sorry, can you hold on a sec?” I step out of the car, and just let it all rip. I sighed in relief, not realizing that she could see me, and hear everything. She was laughing the whole time, and I got back into the car too soon because the smell still lingered with me.

So far we’ve been together for 8 months now and still going strong.

We’ll never know if Rossymagic fared as well:

I remember asking the girl I liked to prom. We both arrived early for class and were waiting outside. I asked. She said yes, and we were both coyly giggling and arranging times.

At this point my stupid jackanape friends rounded the corner, all hooting and hollering. Also at this point, I was fidgeting and biting back a particularly threatening buildup of pressure in my bowels. The overture of a loud and lavatorial chorus. A friend who we’ll refer to as THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE THAT EVER WALKED ON TWO LEGS walked up and hailed me and then gave me an affectionate shove toward the girl.

I fell into her arms but unclenched in the melee and loosed a loud and violent bark of a fart into the quiet of the hallway.

Duckwallet started a chain reaction:

I was at the doctor with my family getting an inoculation before holidays. I farted so long and loud, a kid outside in the waiting room heard and started giggling, triggering my brother to laugh so hard he farted. My mum and sister tried to apologise, and the young male doctor just sat there in stunned silence, with this weird strained face like he was battling classic fart comedy against professional conduct. I burst out laughing after a few moments silence and fart again, so I just got up and left them to wallow in my musty scent of victory.

Photo by/CC Matias Jaramillo on Flickr

Previously: Reddit’s “How did you hide your porn?” thread

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