Slacktory

Mardi Gras passed out drunk guy

You know the feeling: Dry mouth, splitting headache, sore muscles, general dizziness and nausea. Be grateful for your hangover. If things got seriously weird, you could wake up with something much worse.

Redditor ompalompa911 asked, “What’s the weirdest scenario you have ever woken up to after drinking?” The answers were both astonishing and hilarious, and showed a certain drunken fascination with food and travel. Ompalompa911 gets things started:

One night, I came home from a party. For some reason, I get really hungry when I’m drunk, so I decided to make myself some food. I found a frozen pizza and put it in the oven, on top of a some newspaper to avoid messing up the oven. It seemed pretty logical at that point. I turned around, slicing up some bacon to put on the frozen pizza. I cut myself pretty badly while doing this, but I didn’t notice. I heard a sound, so I turned around. It’s the paper in the oven, burning. This is all I can remember.

I wake up to my mom shouting. I’m on the floor of my kitchen. Around me is what looks like some sort of satanic food-ritual. There are ashes and blood in a circle around me. I had seemingly tried to put out the burning paper with my bleeding hands. Bacon and a halfway-done frozen pizza are formed to some sort of a mattress under me, and for some reason my pants are halfway down my legs.

The_dayman found his nemesis:

I once woke up with a girl I didn’t know and two of my fingers were broken. I didn’t ask her name and just dropped her off, so I’ll never really know what happened. A month later I woke up with her again and had to go to the hospital because my foot was still bleeding. Still don’t know her name, but she may be a harbinger of my death.

Malcs85 must have been a treat for airport security:

Woke up in the back of a taxi in Poland (I live in London). I got blind drunk on a night out at university, apparently met some friends who were getting a 4AM flight from London to Poland. They had a mate who hadn’t turned up and apparently paid for my name to be changed on the ticket that night. I don’t remember getting to the airport, the flight, or getting in a taxi at the airport where I fell asleep. I woke up an hour later really fucking confused as to why I was A) In a taxi and B) Surrounded by snow.

Smackj23 went big:

I woke up curled up in bed with my best friend’s parents.

Polyethylene108 was missing a key ingredient:

I woke up alone in the bathtub naked except for a pair of socks, clutching a piece of burnt toast. No butter.

Livestolisten14 probably wishes he had skipped the butter:

I blacked out one night and woke up with a piece of buttered bread on my night stand and another piece, butter side down, on my leg. I gathered my wits, started to question my choices in life, and moved all of the clothes and other things off my bed into the chair in my room. I started looking for my jeans that I had worn the night before to locate my debit card, and while searching through the pile which had just been on my bed I came upon a plastic bag. When I looked inside I found a rotisserie chicken.

AceCity wondered if he read something particularly exciting in the last Harry Potter book:

It’s summer and the last Harry Potter book has just come out. I am about 30 pages away from finishing it when I realize I am already late for a dinner date with friends, so I put in my bookmark and leave it on my bed.

At dinner I drink about 2/3 of a bottle of wine. Then go out and drink more. I am very drunk. On the way home, I stop by a bodega to get a Gatorade so I won’t be quite as hungover, but get drunkenly distracted and spend my last $10 on a 3-pack of porn magazines — yes, magazines. Old school.

I arrive home excited about my recent purchase and set up what promises to be a nice end of the night, but I quickly turn my attention to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I put the porn aside and start to read, but immediately pass out cold.

I wake up naked with the opened Harry Potter on my chest, tissues and lotion to my side, and unopened porn near my feet, very confused.

Razer_Mackham thinks context is overrated:

Woke up missing the better part of my big toe.

Tl;dr 9.5 toes

iHaggs loves camping:

Woke up in the middle of the woods, naked, bloody, and spooning a dead deer.

Mini-you and family had an absinthe throwdown:

I brought a bottle of Absinthe home for Thanksgiving. For those in the US unfamiliar with Absinthe (as the real stuff is banned here), it contains a chemical called thujone that supposedly makes you hallucinate. In reality, it just gives you a stoned/drunk feeling. Most bottles have 5-10mg, this bottle had 100mg, plus it was 150 proof. My brother, sister and I finish the bottle and my parents go off to bed.

I woke up next morning covered in blood, there’s blood on the carpet and a chunk of my mom’s kitchen counter is missing. I wake my sister and ask her what happened last night.

Here’s the story; my brother is 6’5″, I am not. My brother was also trained in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu by one of the Gracies. I was not. So in my drunken haze challenging him to a wrestling match may not have been the wisest of decisions. We went at it, and during the match his elbow went through the counter-top breaking a piece off and slicing his arm.

My sister said, “You saw he was bleeding and declared yourself the winner!” “Makes sense,” I said. “Not really, he had your arm twisted behind your neck and you were crying at the time.”

Still, I drew first blood. Winner.

Ironicallypredictabl was apparently struck by drunk wanderlust:

I woke up in Korea. I started drinking in Japan. It wasn’t until I realized the hotel TV was talking to me in Korean did I realize I was in a different country that the one I started to drink in.

Yastobaal asks:

Was it Nice Korea or Naughty Korea?

allday0212 clarifies:

Was best Korea.

Rscott89 was trying to plan ahead:

I went out in a t-shirt and jeans and woke up in a 3 piece suit, used condom still on, and a sock soaked in blood and my foot throbbing.

After piecing the night together with the help of my friends I discovered that I had picked up a girl and brought her home and we had sex. Then I got really hungry and decided to get Taco Bell with one of my roommates, but I was still underage and thought the cops would know. But I thought if I wore a suit they would think I was old and important and leave me alone. I did not feel it necessary to take the condom off apparently. When I got home the girl was gone and I kicked a chair across the room in a fit of anger because “I wanted more sexy time,” which destroyed my toe and caused it to bleed all night while I slept.

He later added:
My roommate read this and told me I kept the condom on so that I wouldn’t have to wait to have sex when I got back. Thank god she left or I might be a dad right now.

Maybe Hukdonfonix was in the mood for some night swimming?

The top floor of a 2-story McDonald’s around 6 AM on a Sunday. I was wearing nothing but a bathing suit. They almost always had the top floor chained off. I came downstairs to a large crowd of old people getting their morning coffee. I don’t think any of the employees noticed me slink down the stairs and out the door.

Littlefuckface seems to have had more than a few drunk train experiences:

On a train. Let me tell you, there is NOTHING like waking up on a fucking train and not remembering going to sleep on one.

Odwizard made it home in one piece, but down a sense:

Drinking tequila, chasing it with Jager. Last thing I remember was telling my friend to make sure I get home in one piece. I woke up in my jeans, deaf in my right ear and smelling of gunpowder.

Kozi47 is truly a wild man:

My alarm clock went off, then I went to work.

Tcos17 is looking out for him:

Shit dude, you need to slow down. That sort of lifestyle will kill you.

Photo by/CC Infrogmation on Flickr

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