Slacktory

sad Etsy pets header

Last year, my colleague Cole Stryker discovered sad Etsy boyfriends and Etsy child abuse. Soon after, a blog started tracking sad Etsy dogs. But Etsy crafters continue to humiliate their loved ones by posing them with handmade “clothes”. Here are 29 of their sad Etsy pets.

I CAN’T. I’m imagining this cat biking down the Champs-Élysées. It’s eating a baguette. Wes Anderson is filming it. This cat doesn’t even look too sad. You should see its other pictures.

 

That’s the face of a dog that knows exactly what it’s wearing.

 

That looks like a super-comfortable and sustainable stance for your cat.

 

This is the camera angle for a cold open, where the monster claims its first victim.

 

This guinea pig (via Meme Molly) goes LARPing to forget about his hard life at school.

 

Your dog will love flying feathers in its eyes.

 

The hoodie says “Diva” because that’s what you call your cat when it doesn’t want to wear a hoodie.

 

I didn’t want to include the same animal twice, but dear lord.

 

It’s the way the tutus hide the whole back half of the animal, like it just ends in frouf.

 

The author of The Santaland Diaries.

 

Was there a World Cup this year? Can I make some joke about this dog’s team losing it? Sport!

 

This cat is famous in cat history. It wrote many plays, but what everyone remembers is when it coined the witty bon mot, “DO NOT WANT.”

 

Now is the winter of his discontent.

 

Okay. You can knit hats of many shapes. Got it. Thank you. Even the fox on the horse’s head looks unhappy.

 

“Franklin, are you gonna be the good cowboy or the bad cowboy?” Why would you decide to keep and post this picture?

 

Some animal workers in a Reddit thread said that lots of people forget that collars don’t magically grow with the pets, and they don’t notice the things choking until it’s too late. So, well, good luck with your kitten sweater!

 

“Please remove this and return my copy of The Trial.”

 

This item is called a “snood”, which is also a game played by uninteresting college students in the mid-2000s.

 

By Uta

“So you want me to eat these small porcelain cups, or…”

 

This is the Disappointing Gay Best Friend of sphynx cats.

 

Have you seen the British show Misfits with the guy who splits into two personalities, and one of them is emo? That’s this dog.

 

Just give me all of the front-on shots of cats.

 

Who wore it better?

 

This is a Puppy Purse. It’s for carrying your dog like it’s some lipstick and a spare sweater.

 

By Mary

Where’s Walderp?

 

“I can see forever!”

 

And another “Who wore it better?” starring elderly Orson Welles.

 

I cannot see this thing as nonsexual. God, that probably says a lot more about me than about the dress. Why is this rabbit so damn sexy?

 

Think about the girl who enjoys seeing a pony dressed in this. Think about what that girl grows up to be.

 

Obviously these animals are surely perfectly happy and loved, and the above captions were all jokes. I especially have no problem with kitten sweaters; they are a great idea. Now let’s see how seriously the commenters take this!

  • Craig

    What the hell is wrong with people?

    • Asia

      most of them are idiots.

  • http://sportsbooksforbabies.com/ Ken Ashe

    Haha. There’s some weird stuff on Etsy.

  • Danielle

    The cat with the “super-comfortable and sustainable stance” appears to be taxidermied…

    • http://toomuchnick.com Nick

      You’d think so! But on Etsy there are more pics of it in different, very much alive poses.

  • Maggie

    Oh dear lord, people. PETS SHOULD NOT WEAR TUTUS.

    Just as a note, though, the horse one isn’t actually a comical hat somebody imposed on a defenseless critter – horses wear ear protectors like that a lot because flies just *loooove* to buzz around/in horses’ ears and it drives them batshit crazy. The silly ear nets do actually have a practical purpose (unlike dog tutus), though knitting one that looks like another animal’s head is just… no.

  • camille

    to be fair, horses often wear those ear bonnets because the flies and gnats during the summer time are very irritating to their ears :P so they actually serve purpose!

  • Laura B.

    Haha! This guy thought it was a ‘horse hat’ that’s probably the best part of the article! Btw, they’re called fly bonnets, and are used to protect the horses ears from flies that chew up their ears and annoy them. Other than that– please don’t dress the pets people!

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