Hey guys I’m back with some advice. Sorry I’ve been MIA…I’ve been out lookin’ for love in all the wrong places again. I tried online dating for the eleventh time and let’s just say I’m still singlin and minglin. I met some really crazy dudes who were only lookin for one thing if you know what I mean and what I mean is they were lookin’ for my vagina.
Well last time I talked about food and this time I’m talkin about productivity. I answered some new questions and hope that you leave a question about travel for me in the comments section below for next time or else Slacktory will fire me and I won’t be able to pay my cable bill which won’t even matter cuz I steal cable from my neighbors so take that Slacktory lol jk.
Why can’t I ever pay attention when I watch movies?
That Person That Always Asks Questions During Movies
Dear Person Who Talks a Lot,
What movie do you ask questions during? Because if we’re talkin about Avatar then don’t feel bad about askin questions because it’s like how did everyone get so blue and why are they pluggin their tails into stuff. Seems pretty unrealistic to me and I should know about realism cuz I watch literally 5 movies a day. Usually by myself but sometimes w/ a friend.
But I don’t think it’s bad to ask questions because you know the saying, “there’s no such thing as a dumb question.” There’s another saying: “Thou not need to pay attention during a movie whilst people are watching it with you to explain everything. Thou should just eat a box of Sourpatch Kids.” I paraphrased that quote but it’s definitely something like that. Please remember these words of wisdom lol yes wisdom, and sit back and enjoy the show.
I have a dilemma. My boss is getting on my butt over spreadsheets. I put in my resume that I know how to do Excel, but really I don’t. What should I do?
Dear Arnie (can I call you that lol),
If I had a penny for every time this happened to me lets just say I’d need one of those coin rolls so I could wrap them all up and take to the bank to get dollar bills because who wants to carry around all those coins lol but srsly I lie on my resume all the time. Everyone lies on their resume, for example one time I was applying for a position as a zookeeper so I said on my resume that I had the most valuable animal experience because I used to be a lion. I never heard back but if I did believe me I would have kept my story straight and that’s exactly what you should do about your Excel lies. I’ve put together some situational examples of what your boss could say to you and some clever things you could say back:
Boss: Where’s my spreadsheet
You: Up ur b-hole jk can I have a raise
Boss: Where’s my spreadsheet
You: Up ur b-hole jk I’m going to lunch
Boss: Where’s my spreadsheet
You: Up ur b-hole jk I’m watchin a YouTube video of a cat riding a turtle
Hope that helps. I like hearin back from peeps so leave a comment in the comments section to tell me how it went.
My boss complains that I’m “spending too much time on Twitter & Facebook.” But I love Twitter & Facebook! How can I get my work done without staying away from social networking sites?
Addicted to the Internet
There are worse things you could be addicted to, trust me I should know lol I’m president of the Addictions Club. There is no such thing as an Addictions Club but what I’m sayin is that I’d definitely be Prez if there were. Drugs, smokin, alcohol, gamblin, stayin in my basement, playin with kittens, eatin pretzels…you name it, I’ve been addicted to it. Look at me ramblin, let’s get back to your question.
The short answer is: you definitely can’t get work done while staying on these sites. The long answer is: you can pretend though. I guess that long answer was pretty short so I should’ve called it a shorter-short answer lol but seriously it’s pretty easy to fake that you’re working. Just look at people who work at Best Buy or Verizon. They don’t do any work because they’re too busy @ replyin or Farmville croppin. I know this for a fact because when I call it’s always the same ol “ma’am, we’re not giving away free iPads and we never were” or whatever but I know they’re just instagrammin and ignorin my customer needs. But do they get in trouble? No. And neither will you. Just learn Alt-Tab and change the screen when your boss walks by.
I have a hard time focusing at work and was wondering if I should get on ADD meds. I don’t want to become dependent on them, and I also question their long-term safety. Is it worth trading my physical health for mental health?
Distracted in Delaware
I hear what you’re sayin. Well not literally because my ears are on my head and you are somewhere else. Unless you’re on my head which would be nutso but possible because I’m not always 100% sure what’s going on up there lol. Anyway.
I think you should take the meds and here’s why: because why wouldn’t you. Even if you’re not one of those pill-poppers like my mom or sister or aunt or other sister or best friend Camilla or stupid ex bf Gary or me then you could still make some cash $$. I know lots of dudes lookin for ADD meds and pay cash up front. Email me for those deets lol I’m gettin a little PG13 here so anyone under 13 readin this post just stop readin or pretend like you can’t see because I don’t condone illegal stuff unless we’re talkin about shootin people who don’t wave to thank you in traffic. Hey if you do decide to take them who knows maybe you could become the next prez of the U.S. with all that new concentration.
My boss says I need to be more productive but my doctor says I need to take naps whenever and wherever I can so I sleep about 7.4 hrs a workday. Who should I listen to more? The wonderfully smart doctor or my stupid smelly boss who smells and eats cabbage all day and smells and what does she know about sleep and its importance?
I’ll bet you are as smart as my super doctor and will side with him because you seem to be always wearing your smarty-pants and you seem well rested.
Three Toed Sloth
P.S. Did I mention my boss smells?
Dear my favorite animal,
You’re right, I’m very well rested but it’s mostly because of all the day drinkin lol I’m sorta surprised doctors don’t prescribe more alcohol for people with insomnia. When it comes to sleep I always have the same answer: yes. Humans are biologically engineered to stay awake for only 4 hrs a day just like cats (just because I didn’t finish high school doesn’t mean I don’t remember science class lol). My cat Buster sleeps all day every day and he’s the happiest little dude alive. If your doc thinks it’s best to sleep through work then I say listen to him unless the advice is comin from Dr. Drew because his area of expertise is love not sleepin lol. It could be cool though if Dr. Drew prescribed you 7.4 hrs of love every day because then we’d have world peace or maybe just lots of pregnancies.
Another thing you can try is wearin sunglasses at your desk so no one can see you sleeping. I always make sure to wear my sunglasses when I’m late for work so no one notices. Make sure you don’t snore though because that will give you away except your boss probably won’t even notice because he’ll be too busy bein smelly.