Please welcome Slacktory’s newest advice columnist, actor and universe-fetishist Jeff Goldblum.
What kind of gelato do you eat together on a first date?
— @ElviPatterson on Twitter
Ah! Ah-ha! Gelato! Yes! This is an important question. But then, oh, yes, every question is important. When-when-when a child asks why is the seafoam green or why…why was I ever even born if life is so meaningless…these aren’t funny questions! These are serious—Oh! Oh yes! Life is important. Your question, even though it seems…it seems…I’m sorry to say, it seems stupid. It’s very stupid. But yes, unless, it’s not stupid! Unless it is important! Life’s important! Life finds a way!
Oh, alright. Let’s see. I am imagining myself in your shoes. Ah. Yes. Hello. I am standing next to a yes-yes-yes a gelato stand in Ostini, Italy. Oh, my! I can smell the fresh salt air and the warmth of oregano on my lover’s breath. Oh! Ah ha! Yes! The answer!
The answer is you each pick the flavor you want based upon availability. Oh, but I see the problem! Oh, I see! What if the flavor you like isn’t a flavor that…oh, oh, good gracious! That you know, the other person, the other soul, the other fiber of your being, what if…oh! What if you order vanilla and look boring? Oh! Well, then don’t order vanilla. Order anything but–oh-oh ho! Ah! Yes! Ah-ha! Now I see it!
This is a trick question.
The answer is pie. The answer was always pie. Don’t go to Italy. No. No. No. Why-why-why would you? Bake a pie and yes, yes, yes, seduce someone tonight.
Be brave, young lover.
Jeff, I have a crush a much older man. Something society would very much frown upon. What should I do?!
Well. Yes. Oh, oh, oh, yes. Ah-ha! Here’s ah…the thing. Society…oh…society. Have you seen the film, High Society? Louis Armstrong is in it. He’s a great musician. Do you play music? I play music. I play with my heart and my soul. I touch keys and produce sorrow and joy and light and dark all with my long, beautiful fingers. Fingers. Oh! Are you embarrassed by your hands? Don’t be. They have lots of creams now that can clear up all sorts of…
Ah! Ah yes! Right.
If you have…a crush? Oh, now I’m blushing. I am overcome with warmth. Oh. Yes. Well, oh, your crush. Well…if society frowns upon you, then oh…how fantastic! You, my friend. My dear, dear, oh, so unknown friend…you have the ability to be a rebel. Do you like rebels? My favorite rebels are the ones in the Star War films. I was once up for a part. Oh, please. It’s fine. Don’t—don’t pity me. It’s-it’s-it’s for the best. Not all songs can be sung by me. Not all parts can be played by me. Not all Star Wars can be fought by me. It’s for the best.
Oh! Right…yes…your quandary. If you wish to lust after someone—well, well…I don’t know! You can’t control…lust! Lust is lust! It happens. You can’t stop a butterfly from leaving a cocoon, and you can’t stop your hormones from rising at the view of this older man’s older manhood. Embrace your lust. Fly. Fly away.
Shhh…do you hear that? I hear music. Yes. Yes. Ah! Music. It flies.
I work in an office in a steady, but pretty dull, job. In the past my manager has indicated that she’d like me to try to move on in the company but I’ve always seen it as a temporary place to be. Sadly, due the the state of the economy (and my own laziness), that temporary place to be has been where I’ve been for over four years. I need to do something different but I’m cautious by nature so don’t like to take too many risks even though my partner and I do not have any dependants or any debt. My manager has a lot of faith in me so uses me to sort out quite a few technical problems which I find tiring and that doesn’t leave me with a lot of energy to look for anything once I get out of work.
Should I just quit whining and get on with where I am, as dull as it is, because I’m lucky to be employed at the moment or should I take the riskier approach, which I seem to be considering more and more recently, and just leave and see what I can get when I can fully commit to looking?
— David, a 30-something in York (UK)
Oh, oh, oh…my. This is…yes! This is a conundrum! I see your turmoil. It’s like a boiling pot of water. Pasta water. Do you enjoy penne? I love penne. I enjoy penne with a bit of olive oil and herbs and fresh cheese and wine…ah yes! Wine. Dionysus. The God of wine. Oh…yes. Yes. Oh, yes, I see. The God of certain passions! Oh! Do you see? It’s all connected…like the Cosmos. The Cosmos, David!!! Do you think Carl Sagan is in Heaven? That would be…ha! That would be ironic.
But to your life…your star shadow…your problem.
I see your quandary. I see it! For instance, when I am married to one woman and feeling…
Oh…well…ha…hahaha…this is inappropriate. My point is…my point is…ah…there is a point. Yes! A point! The Cosmos, you will, if you try to, recall! You-you must keep your current position while you look for a new place of-of-of employment. I know this sounds impossible. I mean, what if your wife finds out? But no! You must follow your passions! Flirt-flirt-flirt with younger, lither jobs. Go home with them sometimes. Allow them…ah…yes…I remember…ha…allow them to bend their gymnastic team legs about your tall, manly body. Do you like gymnastics? I love the sport. Such-such-such passion. Such tiny hands. Such large leaps. Ah! Leaps into the great unknown. Oh..but yes! Ah! Ah-ha! Leaps that come down. You’ve got…you’ve got to have a big, soft, cushy mat. You’ve got to stick the landing. Oh, that reminds me, I’ve got to recarpet my landing. White is…white is a terrible, terrible color to carpet your staircase.
Anyways, find a younger woman first. Then leave your wife.
Oh! Ah! I see! Wait. We were talking about your job. Hahahahahahahahaha. That is…as they say…humorous.
Hahahahaha. Ah, hahahahaha. Yes.
Meghan O’Keefe writes the blog Jeff Goldblum Is My BFF.