mathematician from the movie Pi

Dear Consolidated Edison,

Thank you for your estimated power bill for the month of June. I see that although I used my air conditioner minimally, used only one light at a time, and was on vacation for a week, you “estimated” my power bill at $153.22.

I see that your estimations are not based on figures from this reality, but from some astral plane where numbers are colors and the laws of magic prevail. I am in little risk of my energy use being accurately measured and charged for in this realm, where an alarm clock draws more power than an HDTV.

Upon reading your bill, I turned on said HDTV, and I have been feeding it Blu-Ray disks for twelve hours. So far I have played seven feature-length films with the brightness cranked so everyone’s glowing white, a pure burning white that cleanses me and is possibly giving me a tan.

The tan may also come from the halogen light I have installed in the kitchen, or from the vitamin D in the smoothies I am blending on “puree” level. I’m not sure how tanning works. And I can’t look it up on Wikipedia, because my computer is busy defragmenting, hosting a Call of Duty multiplayer game, and participating in SETI@home.

I’m having trouble playing the game because I cannot hear my teammates over the stereo. The Girl Talk mix on the stereo is mashing up perfectly with the Dangermouse mix on my iPhone, which is also participating in a conference call, and which of course is docked.

This is all as cacophonous as you imagine, but it’s tolerable beneath the hum of the vacuum and the crunch of toast (burnt, then microwaved) in my ears. I have more bread toasting now, with the jelly jar out of the fridge. I will give you one guess just how open the fridge is. The answer is “wide”.

The apartment needs the extra fridge cooling, in addition to the air conditioner and fan, because of the intense heat of the Tesla coil.

Did you know that with a device purchased on NewEgg, you can charge an electric car from a household outlet? Did you know you can string five of these devices and advertise your electric-car-charging services on Craigslist?

I am giving you the finger, Con-Ed. I am giving you the finger while using the other nine on a Lite-Brite. I’m giving you the finger while relaxing on a vibrating chair with a heated footbath. I’m giving you the finger even as that finger brushes my teeth electrically, then places the toothbrush in a UV-emitting toothbrush sanitizer. And I will continue to give you the finger as long as the circuit breakers hold ou—

Idea by Michelle L. Dozois

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