Slacktory

Las Vegas keychain

Dear Valued Customer,

It’s time to activate your new 5% cash back categories!

Earn 5% cash back on up to $2,000 spent on flights and hotel rooms from November 1 through December 31, 2011.

Why not splurge on a trip to Vegas with some old friends? That’s what we would do!

For Terms and Conditions about this offer, please visit www.creditcard.com/cashback.

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Dear Valued Customer,

It’s time to activate your new 5% cash back categories!

Earn 5% cash back on up to $2,000 spent on marriage counselors and takeout Chinese food from January 1 through February 29, 2012.

It may have been a mistake Instagramming the pictures from your trip, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy some delicious General Tso’s!

For Terms and Conditions about this offer, please visit www.creditcard.com/cashback.

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Dear Valued Customer,

It’s time to activate your new 5% cash back categories!

Earn 5% cash back on up to $2,000 spent on divorce lawyers and pet supplies from March 1 through April 30, 2012.

Because there’s no way we’re letting that bitch keep the dog.

For Terms and Conditions about this offer, please visit www.creditcard.com/cashback.

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Dear Valued Customer,

It’s time to activate your new 5% cash back categories!

Earn 5% cash back on up to $2,000 spent on sports cars and guitar lessons from May 1 through June 30, 2012!

Did you know that Ronald Reagan got divorced, and then he later became president? And that after Tom Cruise got divorced, he starred in Jack Reacher?

For Terms and Conditions about this offer, please visit www.creditcard.com/cashback.

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Dear Valued Customer,

It’s time to activate your new 5% cash back categories!

Earn 5% cash back on up to $2,000 spent on handguns and lengths of rope from July 1 through August 31, 2012!

Just in case.

For Terms and Conditions about this offer, please visit www.creditcard.com/cashback.

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Dear Assholes,

It’s time for me to find a new job!

Apparently too many valued customers were complaining that the rewards offers “didn’t make sense” and “frightened my children,” so now the company has decided to go in a different direction!

But don’t worry. I’m sure there are plenty of other job opportunities out there for a divorced 49-year-old with a high school education. And about 3,000 credit card numbers at his disposal.

For Terms and Conditions about this offer, please go fuck yourselves.

Photo by/CC Steven Depolo on Flickr

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