Slacktory

cute girl wears headphones

I feel like I’ve seen a million of those “I’ve got you pegged” type of pieces based on some critieria: music, film, TV shows, etc. Well this is an “up yours” to all of those.

Classic Rock—Your nightmares have subtitles.

Crust—Making an ashtray in ceramics class was a defining moment in your emotional development.

Grindcore—Last summer you taught yourself Mandarin.

Speed Metal—Everyone knows how much you love to bake.

Thrash—People praise your politeness and subtle charm.

Punk—The smell of fresh woodchips makes you remember your great aunt, who was an exceptionally strong woman.

Hip Hop—The pizza guy from Domino’s is on a first name basis with you.

Rap—You specifically request ‘no ice’ when you order coffee.

Emo—You know a lot about craft beer.

Country—Your middle school teacher had a crush on you, and you found out by reading this because deep down inside you think of yourself as unlovable.

Trip Hop—When crossing the street, you look both ways twice, twice.

Dubstep—You pay your bills in a timely manner and know most of your neighbors.

Happy Hardcore—Your significant other knows a lot about the stock market and you respect his/her choice to sleep with you on a bimonthly basis (fertility reasons).

Folk Punk—Two of your friends forgot to DVR the season finale of Girls.

Free Jazz—An elderly gentleman will bequeath his estate to you in an act of random kindness and you will donate his extensive 8-track collection to charity.

Bluegrass—You’ve spent countless hours campaigning against factory farming and animal cruelty. How can we be kind towards one another if we can’t treat our animal brothers with the respect they deserve? Huh?!

Blues—You’re a park ranger. It may not have the glamor of “respected author” the way you had dreamed, but at least once in a while you’ll save someone’s life, or lecture them on the importance of proper bonfire technique.

Latin—Many of your shoes are laced irregularly. You find joy in repainting your bedroom every third week, and you swear it’s not because of the paint fumes.

Reggae—Complete strangers often seek your advice, due to your extensive knowledge of traffic and parking laws in the Midwestern states.

Dub—You’ve read David Foster Wallace’s entire body of work and you know the exact boiling point of most of the semiconducting metals.

Pop—You look up a new word every Monday and try to work it, casually, into conversation twice a week in order to commit it to memory.

Radio Rock—You recently received a compliment on your new haircut, which you feel makes you look more youthful. Spandex is your favorite color.

Pop Punk—No one would know it by the looks of you, but you are an accomplished salsa dancer. Last night you had a dream about your high school girlfriend, and you’d call her if you could remember her name.

Indie—You consider frozen yogurt to be a guilty pleasure. The last time you visited the dentist you wondered—because your end of the conversation was garbled by five layers of gauze wedged next to your wisdom teeth—if this was the way you sound in every conversation about someone’s kid who you’ve never met.

Easy Listening—“Shhhh, Jeopardy is on!”

Ska—As a small business owner, you’re used to shouldering a lot of responsibility.

Garage—Resolutely, you affirm that fans blow all of the air out of a room, and will suffocate you in your sleep.

Lo-Fi—The highlight of your summer is buying other people’s crap at garage sales, but you make sure to go a few towns over so no one will recognize you or your dirty money.

Post-Hardcore—You identify strongly with owls, and whenever anyone asks about it you can’t seem to think of a good reason why.

Screamo—At company meetings, you have the good sense to play Angry Birds instead of  asking why the fourth quarter earnings suggest you won’t have a job soon.

Chillwave—Shadows are scary and imply that darkness is the result of a well-organized crowd taking advantage of a permanent sun.

Sadcore—In this moment, you realized that eating fortune cookies in one bite means you’ve passed about two dozen sheets worth of A4 paper through your intestines in your 32 years on this strange planet.

Surf—Both of your children are highly successful compared to your humble means and, although it would make for a terrible TV show, it’s made you and your spouse grow closer together.

Zydeco—You have the unique ability to predict when it will rain down to the minute.

New Wave—Part of your appeal is your readiness to root for the underdog in any situation. Oftentimes, you find yourself disagreeing with Roger Ebert’s more glowing reviews.

Classical—You screenprint your own graphic T-shirts and no one has the heart to tell you they look terrible.

Ambient—Although you feel steampunk is a silly subculture, the visceral nature of using a typewriter appeals to your sensibilities and has somehow helped you out of paying a parking ticket.

Noise—You enjoy campaigning for local politicians and wonder why Velcro hasn’t replaced shoelaces.

Samba—At your last job interview your potential employer asked what you felt proud of and your first thought was, “I’ve never cheated at Monopoly.”

Techno—Organic only. What you put in your body matters, which is why you only smoke American Spirits.

80’s Hardcore—You taught yourself braille to find out what sandpaper was saying behind your back.

Folk—Yes, you’re sure George R.R. Martin is a fantastic author, but you’re not sure you have the time to invest in several thousand pages of high fantasy.

Photo by/CC Carolyn Williams on Flickr

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