Slacktory

Salman Rushdie

Everyone has that story. That one time you (or a friend) got kicked out of a bar, or a store, or Mexico. Redditors have been sharing their tales of banishment, and while some are silly, others are utterly bizarre. We’ve gathered together the highlights for you here, starting with one from distortednet, who shares a story about his uncle that is frustratingly short on details:

My uncle is banned from the state of Arkansas for firing a cannon in the middle of town. It was just gunpowder, no round.

Not too sure how he got a hold of a cannon, though.

One of Spartannia‘s friends managed to get banned from Libera without ever going there:

Friend of mine got banned from Liberia in high school. He was prank-calling embassies and they got pissed. Thank goodness he got a busy signal when he tried Russia.

IkeShaw is vague, yet fascinating:

Public singing. Court order.

Liberal_Mormon tried to make a statement:

Alright, so one day, I went to the local YMCA with a folding chair and one of those huge buckets of KFC. I put the folding chair on a treadmill, sat, watched the television, and ate delicious chicken. They kicked me out.

Luckydog8816 got kicked out of Victoria’s Secret:

I’m banned from my local Victoria’s Secret because my friend and I paraded around the store with panties on our heads… They have our pictures behind the counter. [Edit] I believe that the panties are on our heads yes but they made us take two pictures, one with them on, one off.

SnuggleBear describes a similar experience, making me wonder if there’s a part of the employee training at Victoria’s Secret that teaches you how to handle this specific situation.

AbsurdityAtItsFinest shares a common tale of woe:

Club Penguin. Back a few years ago I typed in “fuck”.

CORPORAL_CUNNILINGUS shows his respect for Absurdity:

Some don’t choose the thug life. The thug life chooses them.

An overestimation of drinking prowess led to Lightforge‘s downfall:

Gamestop in Dewitt, NY. Showed up early to the GTA IV midnight launch, decided to grab a few beers at TGI Friday’s (in the mall). I got hammered, and it was a little after midnight so we decided to head down to pick up our games. When I got inside the store I was wobbling around and stumbled back into some shelfs. The force of me hitting the shelve was enough to cause me to hurl everywhere. I was escorted out of the store, and the mall itself.

Dedtigers‘ tale also involves booze and TGI Friday’s:

A Friday’s near my house. A few years back, my friend and girlfriend at the time got completely shitfaced and decided going out to eat at a public establishment would be a good idea. I was by far the drunkest. So I’m being a complete ass and making a mess. I spilled my drink on the heater and when the waiter came back he said “what the hell is that” referring to my spilled drink, obviously and understandably pretty pissed. So I order another drink. The waiter comes back with it, and this is when shit hits the proverbial fan. He gave it to me in a child’s sippy cup.

Now, if I hadn’t been irrationally wasted, I would’ve laughed along with everyone else, but alas, the whiskey had taken the helm and the seas were rough. I grabbed the sippy cup and proceeded to burst into the kitchen of the Friday’s. Everybody freaked out and I demanded an adult sized soda. I was promptly escorted to the door and was told I wasn’t allowed there anymore. I still feel bad about being a jackass.

You’ll never guess where Pays4Porn was banned from:

The local porn shop. They banned me for being too creepy.

Theconcordgrapist shoots back:

As if paying for porn these days isn’t creepy enough.

Apparently Shwampy10‘s brother can’t turn down a dare:

My brother is banned from all Wal-Marts in Florida because his friends dared him to shit in the video game section.

Kleban10 channels Bobby Fischer:

The United States, for refusing to recognize an embargo enacted by the U.N. forbidding, among other activities, engagement in sporting events in Yugoslavia. Thereupon, the U.S. Department of Treasury obtained an arrest warrant for me, and I remain wanted by the U.S. government, without any foreseeable or negotiable return.

SPACE_LAWYER revisits a story he’s told in other threads, hitting all the major points in quick succession:

My brother and I were barred from entering Mexico after being arrested in line at the border. Don’t really ever want to go back, because it was a rough time in my life. My brother and I stole 100+ hogs in Iowa and sold them at an auction in Illinois. We went on a couple-month-long crime, booze and blow bender after I finished my undergrad. It was a lot of fun but not worth the criminal record, leaving the love of my life because she was getting in the way of my drinking, and my brother getting his arm cut off in a car accident in Mexico.

He goes on to clarify that the pigs were not what got them banned from Mexico, but rather the stolen generators they were caught with at the border. He gives no information about his brother’s arm. A story for another thread, perhaps?

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