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Von_Skyhawk has a damn good story. Even if you don’t read this whole thread, or even all our highlights, you have to read this one.

This weekend my roommates decided it was a good idea to take acid and ecstasy at the same time. Since I opted out of this wonderful idea, I went out for some drinks. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for what I was about to walk in on when I got home…

I walked in the front door at about 1am. I heard a commotion in the back bedroom and went to check and see if they were alright. When I opened the door I saw my two male roommates lying on the floor rubbing the carpet with a look of pure joy on their faces. I looked over to the bed and there she was… my other roommate (female), completely naked. She was chewing on her bottom lip and blood was dripping down her chest. Not only that, she was fisting herself and very calmly asking herself, “Am I going to die?” The scary part is that none of them had any idea I was in the room, they just went about their business.

That’s how Von_Skyhawk opens their AskReddit thread, Reddit, what is the most horrifying/embarrassing thing you have ever walked in on your roommate doing?

Princeofcatpoop has a gut-dropper:

Walked into the house to hear my roommate having noisy sex. Knocked on his door just to interrupt the moment out of jealousy. Heard my sister reply.

Jong123 has a gut-dropper in a more visceral sense:

I walked in to our bathroom and found my flat mate butt naked and covered in shit from the waist down. He was bent over the bath picking up clumps of his own shit with toilet paper and depositing them in the toilet.

I slammed the door straight away and just laughed in disbelief. He came to see me later and told an epic story of how he’d eaten a kilo jar of jalapeños the night before for a bet, and whilst he was showering today his ass just exploded uncontrollably (fortunately for him whilst he was showering). I just happened to walk in during the clean up.

KuroDrifter got a power hangover:

I use to run a porn server at my college and access to it spread word of mouth. Eventually I shut it down because I knew whenever people on my floor were masturbating is because I would hear their door shut and then their username pop up in the logs saying what file they just downloaded.

IamLeven, yes:

My roommate masturbating to and on Magic cards.

Misterbert can top everyone who’s walked in on an auto-fellating roommate:

I walked in on my cousin using a drinking straw to blow air into his penis in order to ‘fart’ it out. Apparently, it tickles.

Maderita119 responded well to a crisis:

Walked in on my roommate banging a chick friend of mine. I manned up, walked in and high fived both of them before leaving.

Background: This girl Captainxenu knew had just returned from the Sydney Sex-po with some swag. That night:

Shortly after retreating to the rooms, she starts yelling out to us in a panic and telling us to get in her room. I got up and ran there thinking it was something bad, like some dude in the house or something, but no… I find it dark, the only light in the room a red light flashing about like a fucking siren. Here she is using a dildo with these bright lights flashing out everywhere. In the end, it wasn’t really embarrassing or horrifying, it was awesome.

Avgnmldude has a pretty typical wank story, but he tells it dashingly:

I’m getting down to business, in what I have found to be the most supreme posture for pruning the cherry tree: buck naked, legs spread apart, on my bed with my laptop to the side.

Unbeknownst to me, my cat had decided to begin at this point to chew on my roommate’s homework.

In order to do away with this threat to his studies, he determined to quickly set the cat into my room (which held his litterbox), so that he could resume his studies. He assumed I was in the shower, so rather than knocking he just quickly opened the door and set the cat down inside.

He didn’t see me at first, but he looked up after depositing the cat on the floor to find me. Very naked, very wet, with my third leg firmly clasped in my left hand. His eyes flashed to my nethers (nether I suppose, I only have one), then he met my eyes.

I am sure at this point I was blushing, my mind completely froze up and a cold flood of adrenaline pumped through me like I had just been dumped into a tub of ice water. Wordlessly I raised my remaining right hand into a “shooting gun” posture, clicked my tongue against my teeth and winked at him. tiqc tiqc

Heymrk‘s story takes a sudden turn:

I spent a semester living with my female cousin during college. She had a lot of emotional issues, like anorexia and depression, but hoped that with me being there she could hack it. We were close like that. After a single semester, she transferred back to where she was. Even with me there she had a hard time making it.

But life with her wasn’t always such a downer. We had a lot of fun that semester, even if I was stretched paper thin because of my schedule. I was working on a practicum (journalism major), so I got class credit for working at the city newspaper. That, plus class, left me with little free time.

One day I came home for lunch. She was in class. I was ravenous and really digging this delicious deli sliced turkey she’d gotten from the store. I wanted a sandwich with it, romaine lettuce, Swiss cheese and spicy mustard on a honey roll. Nom-licious. I never took the time to shop that fancy, so it was nice. First off, I was thirsty, so I reached in the fridge for the 2-liter Coke, then into the dishwasher for a glass.

She’d washed three dildos in the dishwasher.

I immediately put the Coke back in the fridge and went back to work. After making a stop at Burger King.

I sent her a text that said, “Please unload the dishwasher.”

We joked about it for a long time. It was a go-to inside joke. We had so much fun with it. Three years ago everything just got to her and she died in her sleep from complications due to her anorexia. At her funeral, no one understood it, but I looked down at her casket and said, “Please unload the dishwasher.” Even in the most snot nosed, couldn’t breathe tears I couldn’t help but laugh.

Thoughtfix, wat:

I came home early and found my roommate on the kitchen floor contorted around with a leg in the air and licking his own butt.

You have to imagine the soundtrack throughout johnfoof‘s story:

I was on vacation with my girlfriend in Disney World and my roommate was supposed to be in NJ. I came home and heard some lord of the rings esq soundtrack music playing. I was a little taken back b/c no one was supposed to be there. Im guessing he wasn’t expecting me to be home that day either. His girlfriend (not the most attractive girl in the world) was tied down in our computer chair and minus a ball gag in her mouth she was totally naked. He was dressed in some-type of leather thingy sucking her toes. My girl and i just kind of gasped and stood like we were watching a car accident. Sorry I didn’t mention before, but my roommates girlfriend has a good 80-90 lbs on my roommate who is around 5 ft 4. Hope that helps paint the picture for you.

I guess they both heard our gasp and froze where they were. We just kinda said sorry and rushed to my room. We never really bring it up and i never sit in that chair anymore.

Hosey saw into men’s souls:

I walked in on two semi-homophobic friends drunk, high, passed out, and spooning on my bed. The big spoon swatted at the air and shouted, “Fuck that ass!” I’m so glad I had a witness.

Captainbacon is a hero:

Well, it was my 19th birthday, freshman year of college. My roommate had had a somewhat troublesome year, but no one suspected anything was wrong. I was in a night class, and towards the end of it, I noticed he posted an odd status on Facebook, then I got a suspicious message from him, and then my friend calls me freaking out. I get to my room as fast as possible, open the door, and find him passed out on the couch with 2 empty bottles of Nyquil, an empty box of Nyquil, and an empty beer. I punch him to make sure he is alive, call the cops, paramedics, and his parents. He’s alright now.

Ckallas2 doesn’t have a sensationalist story, but it’s my favorite:

I opened the door to my roommate listening to Christmas music full blast and rocking out.

Edit: it was the middle of April.

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