Slacktory

not porn folder

Remember back in the day when hiding things wasn’t as easy as clicking “delete history” or browsing in incognito mode? Tell a kid today about trying to find Dad’s Playboy or ‘borrow’ a cousin’s Judy Blume book, and they look at you blankly. (Yes I know Judy Blume isn’t technically porn, but hey. We took what we could get.) These pop culture references are no longer relevant. Jokes about the topic fall flat with anyone under 25, maybe even 30. People stream what they want, when they want it. No subterfuge or secret agent tricks required. Personally, I think they’re missing out.

Redditor eithris seems to agree, and so he poses the question, “What lengths did you go to as a teen to hide your porn?

He tells of a time when he was 14 or 15 and managed to get his hands on a VHS copy of Debbie Does Dallas:

Now, my mom seemed to have this 6th sense for detecting porn. No matter what I did to hide it, she could find it. I used all kinds of tricks to hide dirty mags and movies. Clever carpentry on the dresser in my room, secret compartments where the paneling was loose in a closet, hiking 6 miles into the woods and burying my stash behind a waterfall in a sealed ammo box, she found them all, every single time.

So I really liked this tape, because it wasn’t a recording of a recording of a recording on a crappy VCR setup. It was the retail version in all its glory. I thought I had the perfect plan to keep it hidden. We had an extensive non-porn movie collection, and I had a TV/VCR in my room and a shelf of movies. So I went and bought an extra copy of one of the movies we already had but didn’t watch all that often, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I removed the tape roll from Indiana Jones and transplanted the porn, put it back together and it worked perfectly.

I stuck “Indiana Jones” on the back of the bookshelf where the movies in my room were, and for almost a year nobody else noticed we had two copies of Indiana Jones.

Things went downhill quickly the day the original Indiana Jones VHS was destroyed and his mother tried to watch his copy.

Sendenten used to print his porn:

When I was about twelve, maybe thirteen, I had recently gotten into hentai. I also started realizing I liked guys instead of girls, creating a double-whammy of things I couldn’t let my parents know. Since we only had one computer in the house, my strategy was to print out the hentai and store it in my room. I would unplug the printer when I was done (the printer plug was always out for whatever reason, so having it actually plugged in looked more suspicious).

One day, I was beating it to a hentai fanart of from the Ace Attorney series, and decided to print it out. Despite my many tries, it simply wouldn’t print, so I gave up and went to go watch TV. Later, my mom got home and needed to print something out for work. What prints out first, of course, but twenty copies of Phoenix getting railed by Godot.

And that’s how I came out to my mom.

ImNotJesus‘s mother had weirdly specific concerns about her son looking at pornography:

I didn’t know about deleting internet history so my stepdad worked it out when he typed www.p and layboy.com popped up. My mum and I then had a really awkward conversation about how she’s okay with it as long as I don’t “look at anything with animals”.

DLAxelrod capitalized on his parent’s HBO subscription:

As a child, I had access to HBO. For anyone familiar with their late-night programming, all you have to do is stay up past everyone else. Worked every time.

CheeseGobler notes that nothing much has changed on that front:

And now you just watch Game of Thrones…

TwentyLilacBushes spent a lot of time organizing her stash:

I’m old and technologically incompetent enough not to have had access to any online porn. What I did have access to was also rather boring to me, as a kinky and heterosexual girl (smiling naked women? yawn!). Luckily, I was a big reader, so I quickly discovered that there is some steamy and twisted stuff to be found in novels.

Of course, just reading novels and hoping for sex scenes to show up isn’t terribly efficient. So I delved in the family book-collection and got a library card, developed a good sense of what time periods and genres were porniest, became an excellent speed reader, and started keeping notes.

On a recent visit home I found my notebook, annotated in greek alphabet (I must have thought that my parents wouldn’t figure it out, even though it’s not exactly the most secret of codes) – the title, the edition/year of publication, the relevant pages, the type of scene, the level of explicitness (many just allude to what is happening) and a 1-10 hotness rating.

Tl;dr: My childhood porn-quest helped prepare me for academia.

ZsaFreigh went to great lengths to hide his digital collection:

I had a folder containing 10 folders numbered 1-10, each of which contained 10 folders, and each of those folders contained 10 more folders, I think I had 3 or 4 levels of folders, but the porn was only in 1 of the 10000+ folders, and only I knew the route.

But Badtimeticket points out a slight flaw in ZsaFreigh’s elaborate system:

You can see folder size in properties.

Lt_Shniz was a little unorthodox in his hiding habits:

When I was 13 I printed thumbnails of dirty pictures and I would just eat them if I felt it was necessary.

I wasn’t a bright kid.

ariiiiigold replies with a kingpin’s story:

I had a similar operation going. When I was younger, we only had one computer – and that computer was situated in the living room, normally in full view of my parents. So I could only access porn when they were out of the house, and even then – only for a short while in case they returned unexpectedly early to find me masturbating merrily to a free preview clip of Valerie the 40-year-old MILF getting boned in the pooper. So I would just print out screenshots of web pages and store them in an empty biscuit tin under my bed.

After a year of doing this, I had amassed one of the most impressive collections of pornography for a 14-year-old. I even organised my haul using post-it notes and paperclips, and lent pages to close acquaintances of mine – like a physical Netflix, but with printed pages of porn instead of films. It was like the ancient Library of Alexandria, and true to history – I burnt the collection with the advent of broadband and the purchase of my own computer.

ThatJesterJeff kept things simple:

I was too lazy to print images; I just cut-out the lingerie models from the ads in the Sunday paper.

Archeantus1988 lets Jeff know he wasn’t alone:

The JC Penny ones were always the best in my newspaper.

The gentlemanly Wesman212 throws down:

You back the fuck up! Lane Bryant is where it’s really at. Don’t insult my girls.

Decalis has by far and away the strangest tale of shame, and the best tl;dr I’ve seen in awhile:

When I was a junior in high school (let’s pretend that was longer ago than it actually was), I achieved some less than satisfactory grades one semester. To “help me focus”, my parents moved my computer into the living room. This pretty much achieved the primary goal of keeping me from watching Netflix or playing games when I was supposed to be working, but had the unwitting side effect of putting a moratorium on pornographic activities.

To cope with this, I thought it would be a good idea to violate one of my cardinal laws of masturbatory practice: Never print porn. This actually went pretty decently for a while; a few relatively tame pictures took up residence in my Burning Crusade box and were used lightly. Eventually, I got my computer back, and these lost their utility and became straight liabilities. Obviously they had to go.

This is where it gets worse.

I have a tendency to overestimate the capability and (more importantly) give-a-shit quotient of people in general. This tends to manifest as low-level paranoia about most things. In this case, it led to the assumption that if this porn remained in the house in any form, it would be discovered. I believe I was convinced that if I shredded and recycled it, my parents would spend hours taping together the little strips and finally declare with revulsion, “My God, a vagina!” So clearly these materials had to be destroyed beyond recovery. My first thought, obviously, was fire. So I went over to the sink, grabbed a barbecue lighter and tried to torch the first item. As it turns out, that density of printer ink has non-negligible flame retardant properties. The motherfucker just would not burn. Sure, I singed the edges and they fell into a few pieces, but that wasn’t going to cut it. I needed something better.

This is where it gets a lot worse.

Out of curiosity, I tried to shove some of the pieces down the sink, get the garbage disposal to take it away. No dice; too light, too dry. I sprayed water over them to encourage some motion, but they remained obstinately intact and on the surface. However, I felt I was on the right track with this garbage disposal business, and so spent a few seconds thinking about what makes things go down the garbage disposal. Subsequently, in what was either the most brilliant engineering solution or dumbest-ass idea I’ve ever come up with, I decided to liquefy the vaginas.

This is where it gets so much worse it’s legendary.

I tore the pages into smaller and smaller pieces, until they probably could have been disposed of innocuously in the recycling on their own. Once I had a large handful of pornfetti, I placed it in a decent sized bowl and added water. A slightly pulpy mixture started to form, but it was still pretty thin and the pieces were clearly identifiable. I added red food coloring in hopes of obscuring the images. A bit better, but not really that successful, and still thin enough that things could get stuck to the sides of the drain and attract attention. Accordingly, I added flour to thicken the mixture and stirred until it was more or less homogeneous to the eye. I regarded my creation, a pinkish-white bowl of porridge with obscene lumps, with satisfaction, flipped on the garbage disposal, and poured the printed menace out of my house and out of my life. This was roughly 45 minutes after the disposal process began. I have not violated this cardinal rule since.

TL;DR, Porn soup.

  • http://www.facebook.com/cathywmartinn Cathy Martin

    Hey guys, if you are looking to hide your porn on your PC, try Folder Lock. Its a specialized software developed to hide porn. It’s free to try for 30 days.Just Google “Folder Lock” and it should show up as a first result.

    • ThAt GuY

      Or you could just name a folder “NickleBack”.

  • http://www.cheese.com/ John Goatbirth

    Pretty epic. I was one of those who made a huge amount of folders and hid it deep within – this was about 15 years back so we only had the one computer. And it was slow. Printing porn worked pretty well, too. It’s just so much easier these days.

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