Slacktory

The Office old cast

Redditor benama asks, “What is the most ridiculous story of a co-worker you have?” Benama’s own story: her sister’s colleague claims to be allergic to electricity. Everyone has to turn their phones off around her.

More highlights:

1N7B has some unworn little shoes for sale:

Photographer friend had to shoot a furnished baby’s room for the client. All the furniture, props that were purchased needed to be retuned back to the store afterwards so the shoot wasn’t a wash. To avoid too many questions, when at the return counter with the mound of 100s of dollars of product stacked in carts behind him, he replied to the associates’ “what happened?” by bowing his head in pseudo depression uttering, “It didn’t work out.” Worked like a horrible, horrible (albeit hilarious) charm.

BackslashMonkeybombs is Michael Bluth:

I have a story about my former co-worker, Mark.

Some background:

Mark has a Godzilla costume.

Our office is on the same floor as the development company responsible for managing the retail campus we’re on.

They have a room in it with all their various awards and a full scale model of the entire campus on a giant table in the middle.

The story:

Mark got fired under less than pleasant circumstances.

He went home, got into his Godzilla costume, came back to the office building and stomped THE SHIT out of that scale model. I mean LEVELED IT. Really did Godzilla proud that day.

Hrehbfthbrweer saw class confusion:

I used to work in the ticket office/shop of a golf course. Me and another guy were hired around the same time.

There were two shifts a day, which overlapped in the middle for about 4 hours. Outside of this time, you were on your own. The late shift finished up at 11.30 in the summer, and it would actually be dark at that time.

Now, it was a public golf course and was in a very sketchy area of the city. Didn’t bother me much, as I’m from around there. My coworker however, was from a nice upper class part of town.

So one night, he’s cashing up, and it’s pitch black. The electricity had been on the blink all day, and cut out while he was counting the money. At the same time, a car pulls into the car park, and 4 guys with shotguns get out. Needless to say, my coworker locked all the doors and hid. Hr couldn’t even call the police cause the electricity was gone. He just hid out for a while before running out to his car and getting away asap.

I came in the next morning to find the place hadn’t been locked up or cleaned. There was a pile of cash on the counter and a notes explaining that he thought he was gonna be killed, and if he didn’t make it, to tell his parents he loved them…

As it turns out, the guys were just hunters… They were hired to come along every few months and kill of the buttload of rabbits on the course. Our boss had never thought to alert us to this fact.

Parker2010 doesn’t have blood on his hands, but:

My boss didn’t like using the restrooms in our building, so he put a portable chemical toilet in our sever room. He would swagger into the server room, shit, and walk out like he was albert fucking einstein having just solved the grand unified theory. This lasted a month or two until he had to empty it and it spilled all over his arms. He used the public restroom from that day on.

Hebonics took a course in symbolic stoner logic:

When I worked for Hungry Howie’s, we had this guy who always came in stoned off his ass, or hammered beyond reasoning. One day, he walks into work completely normal, makes 10 pepperoni pizzas, takes one slice out of each, forms a seperate pizza, boxes it, and leaves with it. We called him up about two hours later to find out he didn’t remember any of it.

kkms would prefer not to:

I worked with the brilliant guy who was one of the cheapest people I have ever known. He unplugged everything, even his alarm clock, every day before leaving for work, so his electric bills were something like .70 cents a month. He ate very cheaply, only buying what was on sale and often taking home leftovers from office parties. On one memorable occasion, he scraped some green mold off of some old lunchmeat leftover from a luncheon and took it home. He also did crazy things like sleep under his desk and eat homemade hummus made with entire bulbs of garlic (he would reek like garlic for a week).

The joke was on all of us, though, because the guy retired at age 50 after working for our company for 12 years. He had over a $1 million in his retirement account.

lngwstksgk uses Tom’s of Maine:

I once worked with a woman like that who claimed environmental sensitivities. This basically meant that she got to dictate what personal care products the entire company could or could not use, from shampoo to deodorant to sunscreen. We even had to buy our own soap, because the stuff provided in the bathroom was a no-go.

The best part, though, was that she took the city bus to work every day with no ill effects.

stumpyoftheshire knows a writer for Outsourced:

Attractive female colleague was being pestered by an Indian colleague.

Her: I’m sick of these damn Curry Curry Indians.

Me: What?

H: You know, Curries. Something confuses me though.

M: What does?

H: Indians, they have changed.

M: What do you mean?

H: Well…….. They used to wear feathers and now they wear turbans. Whats with that?

pinkybones knows how to get a raise:

Married boss to coworker: “Have you ever considered being a mistress?”

tiggereth is probably Chuck Palahniuk:

Well let’s see:

1) Had a coworker who used to get into yelling matches with his mother on the phone in our cubicle. “MOM, MOM YOU’RE NOT LISTENING MOM MOM MOM”.

2) Same guy used to store massive amounts of food in his desk, half eaten whatever. We noticed one day that we had a large amount of fruit flies in the cube, tracked it to the half eaten black banana in his desk. He also used to take his coffee from the day before (cream and all) and mix it with his new morning coffee.

3) He got bedbugs, announced it to everyone in our department, no one wanted to sit next to him after that.

4) You know the paperclip in MS? Well he liked the cat. We asked him to stop with the cat meowing from his speakers, it went off for 1 week, a week later he looked at us “I miss my cat”. The cat came back the very next day.

5) We had an old guy who smelled horrible, he had some issues with his side due to an accident when he was younger. The worst story that stands out about him was the day that he walked into a shared cubicle, tossed something under his desk and left the cube. 15 minutes later a coworker came in to the cube, looked under the desk and was horrified to find underwear covered in shit. Managements solution? Give the guy his own cube.

6) We had a crazy lady, I once had to sit behind her in a temporary cube at another location, sitting there working and I hear “Shit fuck shit fuck fuck fuck christ” this went on for 45 minutes behind me. The women of the building called her the bathroom whisperer, she used to sit in the stall and say creepy stuff and swear under her breath.

That’s just a few of the ones I can think of off the top of my head from my current job. I worked in a restaurant for 10 years before becoming a cube monkey. Highlights from there:

1) Coming into a shift and looking at my two coworkers staring at a cloud of bubbles coming out of the dish machine. They were both on acid.

2) Walking downstairs to change a keg for the bartender and finding a waitress and cook in the beer cooler with the waitress doing a line of coke off the cooks cock.

3) The waitress on meth, she used to clean amazingly well but she’d freak out randomly at us all in the kitchen.

I could go on, people confuse me.

el_chingon can only sleep with waxers now:

Was out having a drink with a co worker when a rather good looking girl passes us by. He starts talking about how he knew a girl in college that looked just like her and how he always wanted to just see her pubes. This really hit me as weird. He kept on the same subject about how he would want to trim her pubes and keep them to make a pillow out of her pubes and sleep on them. Weirded me out but still a really nice guy.

AverageGuyGreg knows somewhere, someone could fap to this:

At my previous job, one of my managers was a 40-something forever alone who met some woman on the internet. He staged a photo shoot in his house with him in a tuxedo having a dinner date with the woman who he had not yet even met. He shot it as if it were from her point of view and captioned the images with the conversation he would have had with her. He never heard from her again after that…

good2bgary makes men wince:

I used to work at a Ski Shop, we did a lot of tune ups so obviously.. there was hot wax there. A lot of you already know where this is going, but basically the owner of the shop walked into the back room to see one of the younger workers slowly, carefully, dipping his nuts into the hot wax. What a look of shock did this boy have on his face when the second he became completely violated by close to boiling hot wax, as well as the look of sheer dissapointment from his first employer.

Dirtyace tells half of the “half a head of lettuce” joke:

I had a co-worker at my old job who was very outspoken and just said what ever the fuck he felt like to customers. We worked at a race shop and sold gas by the 5 gallon can. He had a guy come in and ask for a certain fuel so steve went and got him one can. He gave it to the guy and the guy said no I want two. Steve responds “who do you think you are fucking toucan sam?” I dont know why but at the time it was the funniest shit I ever heard.

The best thing he ever did though took some balls. He sold some shit to a guy earlier on in the day who apparently was an asshole and he didn’t like him. Well at the end of the day the guy came back and wanted to return what he bought but did’t have a receipt. So I called to steve from the other room and I said steve do you remeber the guy who bought this stuff. Not knowing the guy was there he said “Yeah I remember him he was a fucking asshole.” So I said well hes here and trying to return it. Out steve comes from the back and says right to the guy “I might as well say it to his face now, Hey bro you were a fucking asshole”. Both me and the customer were stunned and all he could say was “thanks.” Then returned his items and left. Steve actually got in a little bit of trouble for that one but brushed it off saying the guy needed to know he was an asshole haha. He was a fucking riot.

EPluribusUnumIdiota has a killer ending:

I worked nights as a mailhandler at a large mail facility while in college. One of the guys decided to have a big money block pool for the Super Bowl, $500 a block, $50k in the pot. He sold all the blocks off then bet all these side bets and lost the $50k. The Monday after the Super Bowl he’s out sick, then Tuesday, then the week, month. There were two winners, one woman was very upset, the other was a guy who acted like he didn’t care. However, the scammer’s house kept finding itself with new broken windows, dirt from a dump truck was dumped covering the front and back doors, the shed and cars out back were torched, something rammed a hole into the wall, just slowly wrecking the house. Still, there was no sign of the guy. So, 1.5 years later in walks the scammer dude for work like nothing happened. His old boss starts laughing and says, “What are you here for, an ass whoopin?” Scammer laughs and says he’s there for work. The boss tells him he was fired last year for failing to show for his shift or respond to inquiries. He laughs and says he had a heart attack, couldn’t show for work, and had to leave for Arizona to relax, medical reasons and all. He also had the $50k to give to those who won the bet.

He paid off the bets. He got his job back with full back pay AND all possible overtime he could have taken according to his seniority level, which he was near the top of (basically 4 hours on work days and 12 hours for any Sat Sun @ 1.5 wage, and 12 hours 2x wage on holidays). The guy never worked OT.

He did this with no proof of a heart attack, just a note from his Dr saying he believed he suffered one.

Oh, he was a Vietnam vet who would have been on SSI if he wasn’t working. The guy was a pig, that was even his nickname.

They still beat him up a month after he returned, oink oink.

Sabin122 picked the right verbs:

While working in a restaraunt, my co-worker ate a whole habanero chili for a twelve pack of natural light. Afterward, he was in the bathroom crying, farting, and throwing up for about a half hour. He still says it was worth it.

arumbar wins the thread:

To give some background: I am a very hard worker, and had to struggle all my life to earn my degree. Luckily, my story was featured in a local news segment, which caught the eye of a local businessman, and got me a job. That’s when I met him. The worst coworker you can imagine. Everyone else had a degree and was qualified for their job, but he was totally inept. He would sleep on the job, eat my (special diabetic) lunches, call me by annoying nicknames, and constantly bother me while I was trying to work. One day, when we were in the break room together, I saw him inadvertently grab a beaker of acid that someone had left out, and try to drink it! I managed to save his life by slapping the beaker away, but then got into trouble with the boss for the damage it caused.

I tried to just avoid him, but then he rubs it all in my face by inviting me to his huge house and showing off his beautiful wife and three kids (one of whom even owned a factory! wtf?) I don’t get it, but everything in life just worked out for the guy. One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and decided if you can’t beat them, join them. I ran around the office doing all the things he would do, all the while shouting that it didn’t matter, because I was Homer Simpson. In this fit of rage, I grabbed on to some high voltage wires, and that was the end of Frank Grimes.

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