Slacktory

David after dentist

There’s nothing more universally strange than coming out from under anesthesia. You think you’ve got it under control, then you try to talk and all hell breaks loose. And apparently everyone knows someone who’s been funny after surgery. We’ve condensed this massive Reddit thread down to a handful of highlights that will make you look forward to picking up your friend after he gets his wisdom teeth out.

Boreal_girl talks about her husband getting his first colonoscopy:

They wheel him in and he is semiconscious and singing ‘Moon River’ at the top of his lungs (like Chevy Chase when he got the digit test). I was somewhere between mortified and on the verge of hysterical laughter. The nurses log-roll him off the gurney onto the bed where he lets out a fart that was so loud and long it didn’t even seem humanly possible. It was like an elephant farted through a tuba while standing in a culvert. It must have been 20 seconds long!

My face was scarlet and he had a wide grin and announced that ‘That’s what the doctor ordered’ and did an ‘Oh yeeeeeah!’ worthy of the Kool-Aid guy. I was slinking into my chair wishing I was invisible. One of the nurses looked at me and said that his reaction was pretty normal.

myarmhurts had an exorcism:

My daughter had her appendix removed when she was 5, as we were all standing around her bed waiting for her to wake she sat bolt upright, stared at each of us and said ‘bewaaaare, bewaaaare’ in the most demonic of voices. She then made a terrible face, hung her tongue out of her mouth and yelled ‘blaaaaaaaaah’ before lying back down and going back to sleep.

Justplainmark must have hated those hospital gowns:

After getting hernia repair surgery I semi-consciously yelled at the nurses about my clothes:

Me: “MY PANTS. WHERE ARE THEY.”

Nurse: “Sir, they’re next to the -”

Me: “TAKE ME TO THE ROOM WHERE YOU’RE KEEPING MY PANTS.”

Nurse: “They’re right over -”

Me: “MY PANTS WOMAN. GOOD GOD.”

Irishluck722 made some unexpected moves when he had his wisdom teeth removed:

I found out I asked all 5 female dental assistants to marry me. To try and seal the deal, I did the splits in the dentist chair and told them “Flexible redheads make good sex”.

I’m also 100% gay.

The award for living up to a username goes to HotMess323:

I was getting a tooth extracted and was really nervous. The dentist said he’d turn the gas up and I’d just fall asleep, then it would be over. I still remember asking him if he liked chicken and dumpling soup.

Him: “It’s delicious, and why do you ask?”
Me: “Because that is what I look like naked! Pale and lumpy!”

Shady_mcgee (rightfully) points out that if you read it in Sean Connery’s voice, it gets even better.

One of twmac‘s patients unleashed a secret talent while sedated:

I guess the funniest one that sticks out for me was an unruly patient that was given a sedative. The patient became less aggressive UNTIL we started transporting. That’s when he decided he was a horse race announcer (he was very good at it) to the tune of “BLACK MAGIC IS COMIN’ ON THE INSIDE, HE’S UNBEATABLE, OH MY! HE PASSES DEVIL’S FURY, BLACK MAGIC IS WHEELIN’ AND DEALIN’.” Suddenly, complete silence for about two minutes. As I held in the laughter he refused to speak to me, only nodding. So I give up, then suddenly, “BLACK MAGIC IS DISQUALIFIED!” Me and my partner simultaneously yelled “NOOOOOOOOOO!” I never did get to find out why poor Black Magic got disqualified that day.

LeatheryRainbow went on a date with a paramedic who recounted the following tale:

They were wheeling someone through the ER and he was clearly drugged, although on what was uncertain.

He was laying back on the stretcher, with an enormous grin on his face, and laughing in a high-pitched voice you’d expect to hear from a 3-year-old girl. Then he opened his mouth and said “Oh Barney, you some crazy ass dinosaur. You my nigga man, you my nigga.”

Devon (the Paramedic) said he barely got through the doors to the ambulance before he had to stop and bend over because he was laughing so hard.

Cramulus realized just how awesome his job is:

I worked for a LARP company. When I was filling out the forms to get my wisdom teeth yanked, I listed my profession as “writer”, because it saves a lot of explanation.

The last thing I remember before going under was the doctor asking me what kind of writing I do. I recall saying “I run sleepaway camps for adult nerds who think they’re elves and wizards.”

upanddown123‘s sister revealed her magical secret:

My sister was under and said, “make this quick, I need to get back to my unicorn before the vortex closes.”

CitizenNone chimes in with a couple of gems:

Working in an operating room, 90% of patients are so groggy and zoned out we don’t hear much from them. The funny stuff usually happens in recovery, and I tend to avoid awake patients like the plague when I can. However we once had a girl waking up after the case who still had the LMA in her mouth. Once she started to choke on it a bit the anesthesiologist yanks it out saying “no, no, don’t swallow that.” She then, without skipping a beat says out loud, “well, a girl doesn’t hear that too often…” We all broke into tears laughing.

Also one day we were working with an Asian anesthesiologist and we brought a patient into the room for a case. He already had been medicated and had a block put in, so he was half way out the door mentally. As he lays there he says he doesn’t want it to hurt. The surgeon says to him, “oh don’t worry, Dr. Chen’s got the good stuff ready for you.” The patient then just looks up at Dr. Chen and in the most racist voice you could imagine, he says; “OOOOHHH, number one, combo special! Beef broccoli!!!” We immediately lost it in the room.

Iamnotfromthisplanet‘s dad recognized nature’s shining example of awesomeness:

My dad is kind of religious and last Thursday he had a hernia repair surgery. He was really nervous because he was afraid of dying, which he didn’t of course. He was tense and before he went in the operating room, the nurses gave him some relaxing medicine. Right before they took him in, he grabbed my arm and told me this: “God must’ve been smoking some pretty good shit when he created the duck-billed platypus.” Then he passed out. I still don’t know why he did this.

DungeonKeepr responds:

Because it’s damn true. I mean look at it, with the bill and the poisonous bits and the milk and the eggs. Either God was high or He let Jesus doodle it when He was a kid.

I hope someday I have occasion to make an exit as rad as sinverguenza‘s husband’s:

My husband loudly accused a nurse of touching his penis and then demanded that I drive him to the post office when waking up after getting his wisdom teeth removed. When the nurse told me he was okay to leave a while later, he raided the free kids’ prize box and took a couple yo-yo’s.

And finally, Hosey went down in a blaze of glory:

The hospital I was in uses starry medical bracelets to let hospital staff know which patients are coming out of anesthesia. According to my wife, I took this to mean I was allowed to do whatever I wanted on the way home. We had to make a couple of stops, and I insisted on going in the pharmacy with her. I proceeded to fall into the shelves at the counter and make a big mess. She said I jumped straight up and said, “It’s all good, I’m a falling star mother fuckers.”

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