Slacktory

never again

Reddit keeps making good threads, we keep picking out the best parts. This time it’s consumer horror stories. Remember that any of these could be fake.

Radbrad7 asked Reddit: What is your “never again” brand, item, store, or restaurant?

There are a lot of typical whines — PayPal, Zynga, Ticketmaster, HP, Geek Squad — that got major upvotes because everyone knows those brands suck. Also, your dog food is killing your dog. But we’re gonna focus on the weird, funny and interesting stories.

Pandorus hits us with Mega-Bloks-level hatestalgia:

RoseArt…I mean fuck do they make their crayons out of earwax?

Jwestmaxx replies that RoseArt was particularly awful for colorblind kids, since it didn’t label the crayons. Others speculate that there was a paperclip rod embedded in each scratchy crayon.

Vranak offers advice:

Never trust a company that substitutes a Z for an S.

Alpackabackapacka still left a nice tip:

Applebee’s. Got a shard of ceramic plate in my ice cream dessert thing and it sliced and diced the inside of my mouth. I was drooling blood before I really noticed. Didn’t hurt much but the manager asked if I had bit the plate (the fuck?) and only gave me a 10% off coupon for my next dessert there. Cheeky asshat.

Suelinaa replies:

Once the manager of Applebee’s came around and asked how the food was. I said “Actually, not that good.” He shrugged, replied “Eh, it’s Applebee’s, it happens” and walked away.

Electricgeoffrey does not have just a typical complaint about K-Mart:

Let me tell you a story.

When I was eight years old, my mom and I went to K-Mart. On our way in, I saw a poster on the wall for quite possibly the coolest thing ever for an eight year old: a Lego building contest, with judges and Lego sets for prizes. Holy. Fuck. My parents let me stay up late for two weeks building this huge two or three foot long spaceship with a million compartments and smaller ships that came out of the big ship and basically everything else that I had.

The day of the contest arrives. We’re led down a hallway in the back and into a small, blank room with a few chairs and a table. “That’s the other entry” they said, pointing towards the table. As they walked away, I couldn’t believe it. Someone had just bought a firetruck model, put it together, and entered it. In my excitement I had assumed the contest was one of creativity, not pure technical skill (which, I figured, could only be measured by the time it took to assemble, not the finished product). Not to mention that, we were the only two entries there.

My mom and I sat down and waited for the judges to arrive. And waited. And waited. After almost an hour and a half, I had to accept the sad truth that my dreams had been broken. I shivered for the first time at how cold the world could be. Dejected, I hung my head on the way to the parking lot as I clutched my spaceship, star-bound no longer.

Fuck you, K-Mart.

Javier_Disco makes a good point about overscrimping:

Why would you buys off brand Q-tips to begin with? They’re like, 2 bucks for a thousand.

Pizza Hut is a dark place. You might eat a band-aid, eat human shit, or get murdered. That last one happens often. Horse_feathers tries to wave it away as a numbers game:

Statistically that’s not very surprising. There are about 6000 Pizza Huts in the United States. Assuming that there are about four workers and four customers on average in each Pizza Hut at any given time during open hours, that’s nearly 50,000 people. The 2010 murder rate in the US was 4.8 per 100 thousand people or 2.4 per 50,000. Pizza Hut is open something like 10am-10pm most days, so that’s half a day. Thus, you’d expect an average of 1.2 people to be killed from Pizza Hut Homicide each and every year.

But lols replies:

Sorry, but I set Google to search for “murder inside Pizza Hut” in the past year and stopped counting after 10 news stories.

TL;DRs about working at shitty chains: Allegedly Wal-Mart drives fired employees to suicide and Sears managers spend hours accusing teen employees of theft. Domino’s cares more about losing $20 than a delivery guy dying. Best Buy doesn’t know what the fuck to do with employees.

Some guy complained about Last.fm always playing Creed. Kernco with the assist:

It probably kept playing Creed because of all the Creed that was in your history from when it kept playing Creed.

Necrotroph with the dunk:

That’s called a Positive Creedback Loop.

P-Rickles elevates a simple fast-food complaint:

McRib. Ba-da-ba-ba-baaa, I vomited.

Thec0rinthian has a weird story from Universal Studios:

It was early spring, and there was a family of ducks wandering through the park. I thought it was adorable, until a bunch of little kids (aged six to ten, roughly) decided it would be a fun game to run around and try to stomp on the ducklings. The little duckies ended up getting scattered all over the park (they were so little that all they could really do was scramble around cheeping and looking bewildered) and several seemed to be hurt already. I yelled at the kids to cut it out, and their mother ran up and started screaming threats at me in the middle of everything (apparently, it was her little brats’ “right to have fun” and “the mother duck would never know the difference with a few less anyway”). This entire time, there were six or seven employees around snapping their gum and staring off into space.

Trasofsunnyvale is aghast at that:

This is terrible. I am 25 and saw a duck at work while mowing last week and actually thought about stopping mowing and running to gleefully tell someone I saw a duck. If it was a duckling I probably would’ve just lit myself on fire as the only way I could express my delight at witnessing such a thing.

After a story about Red Lobster serving warm oysters on “a bed of mostly thawed ice”, users banter:

saucisse:

So… in a pool of water?

Krakkin:

No, it was just room-temperature ice. It’s Red Lobster’s specialty.

turkeypants:

Yeah, but it comes frozen in packages and they just microwave it. People think it’s fresh room-temperature ice but it’s not.

Bluefastakan paints a picture:

Interesting fact: If you drink enough Baja Blast, it will turn your poop green. Not just spinach green. I’m talking about bright, perfectly manicured lawn on a summer’s day, green.

Advice from Ombudsman_of_Funk:

I always avoid any restaurant that serves more than one cuisine.

Let’s finish with a funny story from staticzapper (that’s probably not really Slim Jims’ fault):

I’m stealing my friend’s story here. IF YOU READ THIS BRIAN: THE WORLD NEEDED TO KNOW.

When Brian was little he used to love Slim-Jims. For those of you who have never heard of them, they are sticks of tubed meat that you can buy at a grocery store. Shit I don’t even know if meat is the correct word for it. It’s tubed pseudo-meat. Grade F meat. Mostly circus animals…some filler.

Brian loves Slim-Jims and always asks his mom to buy some from the store. Well on a day just like any other, Brian snaps into a Slim-Jim and begins to watch TV and generally enjoy life. As his mom unpacks groceries in the kitchen, Brian instantly feels his stomach gurgling. He tries to ignore it, but he’s suddenly hit by the NEED to use the bathroom. He runs as fast as he can towards the bathroom. It’s while he’s running that he begins to shit his pants. So now he’s sprinting through his house, shitting. He dives into the bathroom, and gives up. He’s so far into the process that sitting on the toilet at this point would be useless.

Brian begins to cry.

Sobbing uncontrollably, lying on the bathroom floor, and shitting everywhere. His pants had reached maximum capacity and the literal shitstorm had begun to migrate down his legs, pooling in his shoes, and spraying out all over the floor. His mom hears screaming and sobbing, and comes rushing into the bathroom to see whats wrong. She finds her son, lying in his own shit, crying out to the heavens, trying to cut some sort of deal with God.

“Please God, make it stop and I’ll never eat them again”

“Oh God I’ll do anything just please make it stop”

He stayed in that position for quite some time, unable to comprehend what had just happened to him. Quivering, covered in a fecal exoskeleton, while his mother stands over him watching the whole thing unfurl.

He never ate Slim-Jims again.

Illustration by Maciej Ratajski

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