Slacktory

Secret deodorant

I don’t know why I even thought it was safe to read a “darkest secret” Reddit thread, after the horror of the “What secret could ruin your life if it came out?” thread. But I did, and this “What’s your darkest secret?” thread is a lot safer and normal and relatable. It’s just Larry-David or Louis-C.K. bad, not Dexter bad.

The original poster’s confession:

My petname for my wife is “Doc”. She thinks it’s because she’s a doctor. It’s really because she’s 4’9″, and Doc was the first dwarf I could think of.

A lot of us have brettliketrains‘s problem:

I’m sorry mom, there is such thing as “browsing history”.

Is Scuttlebuttz93‘s story cute? Is it only cute the way some colors look brighter when they’re next to much darker colors?

Not really a secret, but going with the theme of your secret my nickname for my best friend is “Butterfly” not because she’s beautiful, but because if you rub her skin her tons of foundation will rub off on you like pigment off a butterfly’s wings.

I wonder if Monteze ever made an “I can count to potato” meme:

I feel so bad for saying this but my SO has a sister with Down Syndrome and it just makes me feel uneasy. I don’t know why but being around her, and others like her just makes me want to get the hell away….I think it is because I just suck at feigning being enthusiastic around them. To be clear, I don’t hate them I just feel uneasy and what makes it worse is that I feel like everyone knows and thinks I am a horrible person for it.

Stoans reminds me that all romantic gestures are hollow:

The lullaby I sing to my SO is a variation of the Pokémon theme song.

quantum_suicide‘s story is heavy, but again, compared to the last thread where the confessors were the sexually abused, or even the abusers…

I have a friend who uses the same screen name for everything (Facebook, Twitter, AIM, gmail, etc.). One day, I googled his screen name because I was bored and honestly a bit nosey. I found out that he was very active on a site for child abuse victims. One of his posts said he was sexually assaulted by his uncle when he was a kid and has never told anybody about it.

By reading through some comments, I found that the age, location he lived, and where he went to college match up with real life. He even mentioned a breakup with a girlfriend that happened last year around Thanksgiving (which he told me about in real life). So I realized it’s 100% him.

So now I know my friend’s darkest secret and I don’t want to tell anybody ever. I’m afraid to bring it up with him because it would be so weird. Out of respect for him, I haven’t read anything else he’s posted since January (when I decided I should never mention this to him). Hope he’ll be alright though.

TL;DR Found out friend was sexually abused through an internet forum. He has no idea I know.

Two “oh, obviously!” ones in a row — first kilyforman describing a pretty universal problem:

I’m never satisfied with what I receive. As soon as I get something that I’ve wanted/worked for/earned, it immediately loses its value and I begin searching for something else to fulfill me.

You may or may not think CobaltAllergy‘s problem is equally universal:

I’ve called my boyfriend “daddy” before, he was under the impression I did it because he occasionally calls me “Kiddo”. It’s actually because he looks so much like my father, and I’ve always just wanted my dad to love me.

After the incest stories of the other thread, it’s charming to hear of mere dreams from trashed15:

I have sister who is 3 years younger than me. Our dad was a drunk and my mom was the laziest thing around who really didn’t care for us, so needless to say my sister and I are very close to each other. I don’t know why, but it felt good looking out for her, almost a fatherly-feel. However, I once had a dream where… inappropriate things happened between us. I have not told anyone (except here, I guess), and it still bothers me to this day.

Should I be worried how charming I’m finding these? Especially this story from ahgkfdhgafg:

I masturbate to drawn porn more often than real porn.

And SargeBun‘s reply:

I draw my own porn to get off to.

And TheInternetHivemind‘s reply to that:

I wonder, if there is a god out there, could this be why he created us?

Codefox22 is a Simon Pegg character:

When I was dating my wife I forgot her name for about two weeks.

I finally told her 8 years later.

I’ve had Throwawayofthefuture‘s problem, a problem that says a lot about the nature of love and desire:

I have fallen in love with three fictional characters in my life. Not just, I like this character, or the way someone says they love Emma Watson or something, full blown, I want this person to be with me for the rest of my life affection. Each one lasted a few months. They still linger a bit. I told one person, and that fact is extremely embarrassing.

Bear in mind that I’m not a neck beard or even a geek really. Don’t care about anime or anything like that. It’s really weird.

After vbcxnmz told this story:

When I was a kid, like about 5 or 6, I had a pretty active and vivid imagination. I had plenty of imaginary friends and whatnot due to my lack of real friends, and everything about my imagination was very real to me. My parents were very Catholic, and I had lots of children’s books about religion and the lives of the saints. I had a couple of favorite religious pictures, two of them being [1] The Shroud of Turin  and [2] St. Michael the Archangel . One night, while sitting outside Starbucks with my mom, I was looking up at the stars making constellations in my head. I pictured the stars all coming together to form Michael the Archangel, and when I succeeded I got really excited and told my mom that I saw the angel in the sky. She interpreted this as me having a divine vision, and thought this was some kind of miracle. Later, when we were at church, the priest was holding up the Eucharist, saying it was the body of Christ and all that, and me, being a bored little kid in church, was entertaining myself with my thoughts like I usually would do. I looked at the Eucharist and imagined Jesus’ face like it was on the Shroud of Turin and got really excited again and turned to tell my mom. She thought I was having another vision. Since these incidents, my mom thought I had some sort of spiritual gift and I was truly touched by the Holy Ghost. Now that I’m older, and no longer religious, my mom is desperate for me to come back to the Church. Every time she discusses religion with me, she reminds me of the “visions” I had as a child, and is certain that God has some big plans for me. It really saddens me to hear her talking about my active imagination as though it was a miracle, and I haven’t had the heart to tell her what really happened. I will also never be able to come out to my parents as bisexual, due to their religious beliefs. Whenever I ask why homosexuality is a sin, I am greeted with anger and disappointment, and reminded of my “spiritual visions.” It really breaks my heart.

TL;DR: My mother thinks I have religious visions, when really I just have an imagination.

Pithy_Username had a great summary of miracles:

“The cloud looks like a bunny!” “I don’t see it.” “Well, that one looks like a horse.” “Where?” “That cloud looks like an omnipotent and omniscient but ultimately uncaring deity modeled after contemporary patriarchal leaders!” “DUDE I TOTALLY SEE IT!”

Slurm22‘s story is sad but not actually sad; maybe it’s just a sign of some outdated social conventions:

I was on my boyfriend’s computer one day and found an e-mail he had written to my mom asking her advice on when he should propose to me. 2 weeks later he did and I had to act really surprised. I hate myself for ruining that.

We’ve all kind of had this horrible thought just like DinosaurCactus, right? I… I’ve replied and asked if he’s just thinking hypothetically and doesn’t really want to kill anyone.

Whenever I hear about public shootings, and hear ’5 people got killed’, I think by myself that I could do a lot better.

OK, there is some dark stuff in this thread. Lordlardass is pissed at the internet because they tried to get him to not commit suicide after the last thread. So this is kind of a happy ending, or could be? It’s very long in internet years:

You aren’t gonna get me again!

Last time I posted to one of these, you internet fuckers called the cops and then they went to my parents house and it was terrible.

Fuck the internet!

UPDATE (though most people who asked probably aren’t gonna see this cause they forgot about it and I can’t reply to everyone…well, I could, but I won’t):

Here’s the link where it started, in the “darkest secret that would ruin your life” thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4io9b2

This guy posts about how he has dark thoughts about killing himself. Well, lots of people do, but something about the way he said it made me really think he has felt like this for a long time but doesn’t actually want to die. One thing about suicidal people who are actually suicidal – sometimes just knowing that your thoughts aren’t that fucked up and you aren’t the only one that thinks like that is all that you need to come back around, so I respond and let him know that I feel the same as him, but I took it even further as I had everything planned. I even mentioned that since the guy to whom I responded was so far down in the posts at the time I didn’t use a throwaway cause I was just trying to show some solidarity, but alas, apparently I should have.

Then shit hit the fan, I got a zillion responses to my post saying all sorts of shit, but mostly “don’t do it, you have so much to live for”, the regular stuff that “normal” people try to tell suicidal people they don’t know. I tried explaining myself to these people, but it was also very clear that all the plans I had involved shit in the future and wasn’t going to involve some snap in my psyche.

Apparently, some internet assjacket decided to do some research to find out who I was to “Help” me, well, I’ve never really tried to hide any of this, so I’m easy to track down. This cumbucket decided to then call the police in my hometown and, well, since they got a call, the police have to follow up. They show up at my parent’s house (which is still my “permanent” address) but I’m not sure what all they told them. I get a call from my mother saying a policeman is there and he wants to talk to me, and even though I’m already running late for work. Oh yeah, it is also 11pm (this was on my way to my night job) so that didn’t please my mother (who is in her 50s) one bit.

If that was you – fuck you. Now there is a report of this on my file. I got a call from my life insurance company asking that I “re-evaluate my policy with them”, and I received a follow-up call from the officer just to “check up on me”. All you managed to do was fuck me over, fuck my family over, make me hate you, whoever the fuck you are…congratufuckinglations cockknocker.

There are more truly hard secrets — someone who might have let their dad die, someone who’s having a horrible miscarriage — but we got plenty of those last time, right? Can we just pretend that thread had all the world’s problems, and now all that’s left is wet dreams and cruel nicknames? Can we just close with TheSlothKing‘s joke and walk away happy?

I killed the previous king.

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