Slacktory

Jim and dad in American Pie

InstantPeeRegret made that account name just so she could create this thread: “What’s one instance of sexual exploration that you instantly regretted?“ Her story:

For me, it was my first penetrative experience at 12 years old. I was a young, curious girl who had just started to explore her body and genital anatomy.

I picked up a pencil and tried to shove it into my vagina, but to no avail. It stung and hurt and I pushed and pushed, until I felt it go in. It didn’t feel “good” or exciting. It burned and hurt.

Years later I realised I’d put it in my fucking urethra. That’s not my only sexual encounter fail, but it’s the most memorable.

Jennishness made a terrible creampie:

I was like 12 and wanted to know what it felt like to have a guy ejaculate inside of you. So I stuck a small bottle of shower-gel face wash up my lady parts and squirted it in. It went something like, “Wow that was kind of gushy… wait… wait.. DO NOT WANT DO NOT WANT SQUATS IN THE SHOWER AND TRIES TO UNDO THIS HORRIBLE DECISION”

ariiiiigold reminds me of a GIF:

A crisp November night, fire roaring, Roy Orbison’s ‘Crying’ playing in the background. The door to the living room swings open and my friend finds me on my knees masturbating furiously while clutching his mother’s red panties to my face and taking in lungfuls of its scent. Our eyes meet, he gives me a knowing you-vile-twisted-motherfucker look, the door creaks shut. On both the room and our friendship.

dr_pepperpenis (age 12) was masturbating to Talim in Soul Calibur, when:

“Hmm…wonder what it’s like to actually ejaculate?” Rubbed away furiously… and my dick felt full. Thought I was climaxing…looking down expecting a dribble of white spurt…shot hot piss in my eye. Turned it away in agony and covered my bed, TV and Playstation in piss.

mistareez:

Using my mother’s 70s porn collection to masturbate and having an orgasm right as the tape cut to a scene she had recorded over the original with her fiancee.

Mikesapien warns:

Never microwave K-Y jelly for any purpose whatsoever. Maybe you didn’t hear me, I said NEVER FUCKING MICROWAVE K-Y JELLY.

When someone says now they want to, Mike replies, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” oSand replies, “Don’t say it didn’t warm you.”

Mike also says that as well as warming the jelly, the microwave “acidifies to a certain degree.” Someone suggests using it as a weapon. Mike: “That was outlawed at Geneva.”

Other bad lubricants recalled in this thread: shampoo, dish soap, toothpaste, BenGay, Icy-Hot, trumpet valve oil, and… nail-polish remover.

macktruck needs a Philips groomer:

I used scissors to cut my pubic hair and accidentally cut my ball sack in the process. So much blood and fear.

i_of_the_squawk replies, “My scrotum just made a fist.”

The masturbatory horror stories tend to happen at 10, 11 and 12 years old. FrankManic proposes a smart (if probably not-yet-politically-viable) solution:

Reading this, I have concluded that sexual health and anatomy courses need to start at age 10, at the latest. And they should include a full, explicit, and detailed explanation of how to masturbate without horribly horribly mutilating your genitals.

tedparkes makes me wonder why this doesn’t constantly happen at raves:

I once smeared the liquid from a glow stick on my erect cock to make it glow in the dark. WORST IDEA EVER. Was like smearing your cock in liquid itch, the worst itch of my life, for over an hour, shower didn’t even help, god I was stupid…

BiggHass18 should have tried a banana:

I was 10…or 11 and really wanted to know what the inside of a woman felt like. At the time “The Man Show” with Adam Corolla and Jimmy Kimmel played on Sunday nights, and typical bad ass 11 year old me watched it. There was a segment about proper masturbation and how a watermelon could re-create the feeling of a woman. Well it sounded awesome but there were to problems with this logic. A. I was 11 so my pecker wasn’t a matching force for a watermelon, and B there were none in the house. My answer to the situation? A lemon….. never again. Never again.

ThorsMallet has more fingers in fruit:

A friend of mine wanted to know what it felt like to be inside a girl. I guess in some American Pie related epiphany, he decided to fuck a cantaloupe.

Here’s the kicker, he microwaved the cantaloupe so it’d be warm like a girl, but he didn’t realize that when the outside was warm, it was actually scalding hot on the inside.

So yeah, my friend burned his dick from fucking a microwaved melon…..

Nardog14 doesn’t elaborate:

1. Dick in VCR

Why did CunderscoreF think he needed a bigger dick?

When I was about 11 or so, just really figuring out how things work down there. I had just seen Austin Powers and the bit about the “Swedish penis enlarger”. So I thought it would be a cool idea to try it myself. Of course I didn’t have one, but I thought a 20 oz. pepsi bottle would work the same. So I wiggle my 11-year-old dick into it and squeeze the bottle, lo and behold it kind of worked. I got a hard-on.

So I try to pull the bottle off and it won’t budge. I start freaking out, tugging, and twisting but to no avail. Eventually I had to walk into the living room and tell/show my dad so he could help me remove my makeshift penis pump.

tl;dr: stuck my dick in a pop bottle and had to have my dad remove it

The top reply to thenshesays is “Can we trade orgasms?”

The first time I had an orgasm, I thought I was going to die. Everything seemed to dim as though I was blacking out, I lost control of my body (couldn’t move) and lost my breath/couldn’t breathe. I was freaking out. Afterwards, I was scared to touch myself for about 2 weeks, until I started getting the urge for the feeling again. I later found out what it was and continued on with it without any more problems.

billythemachinex has an actual two-person sex story:

Once me and my girlfriend were doing it doggy style. Nearing climax I began thrusting more vigorously and with greater stroke length, at one point I pulled all the way out but I had no intention of fucking up the rhythm so I thrusted forward again, but in the interim second, my girlfriend had lowered her body about half an inch, so when I thrusted forward I destroyed her poor, unprepared asshole, full penetration. This caused her to jump forward like a frog directly into the headboard, splitting her head open. She needed 13 stitches.

Top reply, from NoxMortalitus: “Yep, changing lanes without signaling.”

Juandroid88 involves a third party:

My ex was giving me an awesome blow job. I was about to blow my load, when she asks me to cum on her titties. So, I start fapping hardcore style I shot and missed! My load lands on her hamster cage. Dirty hamster devoured it in a heartbeat.

HailCorduroy replies: “I just about hit urban dictionary to find out which body part ‘hamster cage’ was a euphemism for.”

There are many “I thought peeing was cum” stories, but asdf482‘s is best:

The first time I received head from a girl, I pissed in her mouth. I was 13, and she thought it was an orgasm (her first time giving) and swallowed it all.

Kodemar likes to do hoodrat things with his friends:

Not me personally, but I played a part in helping my friend shred his dick.

Ya see, I used to always say, “There’s nothing a girl can do that a tub of vaseline and a dirty magazine can’t simulate,” occasionally saying it when my mother was around. She’d always chime in with a “Don’t forget the sand in the vaseline.”

I was young, I was curious, but I wasn’t stupid. So, one day I told my buddy Matt about the sand in vaseline thing. Next thing I know, his mother is calling my mother from the hospital yelling about how I was a sick child and needed therapy and such. Apparently, he decided to try it, but he didn’t stop when it started to hurt, assuming it would stop hurting and start feeling good. It wasn’t until he noticed the blood that he finally clued in that this wasn’t good. We didn’t hang out much after that.

domomoepic gives me the shivers:

When I was about 11, I thought us guys were the ones who were supposed to get filled/penetrated with something. I almost put a piece of mechanical pencil lead into the hole of my dick when it was hard. It would have fit perfectly, but something told me it was gonna be difficult getting it out of it fell all the way in, so I stopped.

Just thinking about what would have happened if I actually went through with it scares the fuck out of me.

Nolanoscopy brings out his favorite story:

When I was a super horny 14-year-old, I got into the habit of sticking things up my asshole. It all started with curiously sliding my finger up my pooper in the shower once. As men’s g-spots are located in the portion of the colon resting on the prostate gland, this felt really really good to teenager me. I started experimenting with things like hairbrushes (the handles, not the bristle heads, obviously) and old toothbrushes that I would throw away after “using.”

Well, once I got the hang of it, I moved on to wilder things like pocket flashlights and ping pong balls. It was all good fun… until that night in the bathroom when I decided it would be an adventure to shove cologne bottle caps up my buhnke tunnel. The first one slid in smoothly; the second one required a little bit more force, and by the time the third one popped in, my boner was raging and I was experiencing horny teenager euphoria.

Then it happened.

At first, it was slight tingling. Then it progressed to moderate stinging, until eventually, my entire lower intestine was ablaze with guilty pain. The fumes from the cologne caps had started making contact with my internal linings, and it was literally one of the worst pains I had ever felt. I tried forcing the caps out with muscle contractions (much like forcing out a huge shit), but they were wedged in there pretty well. Eventually, I lay on my back in the shower and started punching my lower abdomen with as much force as I could muster, my tears mixing with the shower water flowing over my naked body. The caps shot out like three rounds from a semi-automatic rifle, and I felt instant relief. A slight trickle of blood escaped my rectum and ran down the drain. I was in pain. But I was victorious.

To this day, I have never done anything as fucked up as that due to libido, and I will never voluntarily stick foreign objects up my sphincter again.

TL;DR Performed cologne-bottle-cap colonoscopy on myself at the age of 14.

ThatJesterJeff suffered consequences:

Was young and wishing to experience some “hands-free sex.” Figuring it was a good idea, I tied one end of a rope around a bed post and the other around my dick…

It wasn’t a good idea. There’s still a slight kink in my dick to this day.

Leo-D LARPed in the wrong venue:

One time I thought it’d be a great idea to pretend my dick was a lightsaber when me and my ex were doing it. It sounded awesome in my head so I started making lightsaber sounds as I thrusted and hummed the Imperial March. That in itself didn’t seem too bad but when I remarked —

“It’s true what Obi said, the force does penetrate us, especially you.”

— that kinda killed the mood.

WTF, Little_Baby_Jesus?

I thought I would add another embarrassing story from my childhood. I once saw a video similar to this one where the barber cuts someones hair with fire. I thought that it would be a very good and easy way to shave my pubes which I was previously having LOTS of difficulty shaving (took me till high school to master that art). It spread like wildfire and I was forced to smother the flames with my hands onto my crotch/pube area which only made the burns worse.

YEAST_RISER has a tamer version of that Chuck Palahniuk story:

Okay, so I’ve never told anyone this and I’m using a throwaway but I think I’ve got one that tops you all.

When I was around 12 or 13 one of my good Jewish friends had a Bar Mitzvah which was great, and afterwords he invited all of the other kids to a local indoor water park to celebrate afterwords.

Now this is where it gets interesting. After we had tired ourselves out from running around, we decided to get into the hot tub complete with jets and a life guard.

Now we were only 12 but somehow or another one of us figured out it felt pretty good to stick our little peckers in and around the jet.

Imagine 4 12-year-old boys in a hot tub that fits about 30 people, huddled around a single jet taking turns humping it until we came. Yes, came. I cringe just thinking back to it.

Three days later I find out that 2 of the kids got yeast infections.

iheartbaconsalt odorizes a room:

My wife and I decided to try a little anal once. She was going to finger my butthole. Sooo she spread on a good helping of Cherry Almond lotion. Just as her finger made it in I released an awful fart. The room filled with the scent of cherry almond shit that was so foul we both vomited all over the bed and floor. We never tried again.

jamesthejim uses a comic:

notabean also illustrates:

When I was 12 I was curious about how deep my vagina was, and I decided to shove a ruler inside to measure it. This was the only ruler I had. It didn’t stop me.

We finish with chauvinist_oink‘s regret of omission:

I lost my virginity at 18 with someone else in the room.

Biggest mistake was not asking her to join in. I could have lost my virginity to two girls at the same time.

Previously: Reddit’s “What Secret Could Ruin Your Life if It Came Out?” Thread Is a Harrowing Descent Into the Darkest Reaches of the Human Soul

  • http://toomuchnick.com Nick

    Uh-oh. Cheese it, everybody!

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