Slacktory

Marvel heroes on ABC

ABC recently announced that they’re developing a TV show based on The Hulk due to the box office success of The Avengers. Now that Disney owns Marvel, they can pretty much make any Marvel TV show they want.

Earlier this month ABC announced that they passed on AKA Jessica Jones by Twilight screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg. Jessica Jones was supposed to be about a former superheroine that became a private investigator, based on a Marvel comic from 2001-2004 called Alias. That… certainly sounds like a TV show! Lets see if we can come up with something better!

 

Tony & Bruce’s MythBusters

This would be exactly like MythBusters but set in the Marvel universe. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner would smile knowingly at each other with some ham-fisted gay tension while solving some of the Marvel universe’s greatest conundrums: Can the Hulk break adamantium? What would happen to Daredevil at a rave? How does the Thing take a shit?

Jubilee and Me

This would be a family drama focusing tightly on Jubilee. And not even the cool Jubilee from the cartoon who was always hanging out with Wolverine, OH NO, not that one. It’d be based on the “coooool” version of Jubilee from the Generation X movie, whose opening line was “Home sucks man, freedom ROCKS!” But this reboot would be structured like Gilmore Girls and focus almost entirely on movie Jubilee’s mom. (Not to be confused with comic Jubilee’s mom, who was far more interesting because she was murdered by hitmen.)

There would be almost no super powers at all. It would be exactly like that one prison scene between Jubilee and her mom but it would go on for hours. The whole show would just focus on the “I can’t live with this FREEEEAAAAAK” phase of every X-Men origin story and it would never progress forward to the fun “fighting robots with a cripple” part of the story. So basically it’s Smallville.

 

Jersey Thor

IT WRITES ITSELF.

 

Everybody Loves MODOK

A classic family sitcom, Everybody Loves MODOK would focus on the exploits of the lovable Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing.  A typical scene might go something like this:

Patricia Heaton: “MODOK? Have you seen my sister? I know you two don’t get along but she said she needed to crash here over the weekend. Please tell me that you did NOT pull another one of your–”

Modok: “I HAVE HARVESTED HER ORGANS FOR SUSTENANCE.”

[audience laughter, clapping]

 

Elixir, M.D.

This show would be similar to House except Elixir would use his super powers to heal the patients in about 1 minute and then the other 41 minutes would just be filler. Which is to say, it would be exactly like House.

 

How I Met Your Dark Phoenix

This would basically just be a straight X-men show. Only it would be unnecessarily told from Jean Grey’s perspective through a past-tense voice over. She would also weirdly try to frame every mission as if it were somehow relevant to the Dark Phoenix saga even though it almost never was. She’d be like “now kids, before I died to suppress Dark Phoenix I was tangentially involved in your Uncle Wolverine’s crisis of faith.” The show would just continue on and on like this for half a decade, never getting any closer to the actual Dark Phoenix story. Until it gets canceled and then they would resolve the Dark Phoenix story in a really unsatisfying three-episode arc.

 

Seventy-Six and a Half Multiple Men

Jamie Madrox gets addicted to cocaine and quickly becomes very exhausting, very publicly.

 

Cosmos with Galactus

This would be a combination of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos and Man vs Food.

“THIS IS A SPIRAL GALAXY, IT IS DELICIOUS.”

 

The Rogers Factor

Steve Rogers finds himself with a lot of free time on his hands. He doesn’t really have any super powers, which makes it hard for him to make a difference in a world apparently teaming with alien enemies and mutant rebellions. He’s so overcome with nostalgia for the good ol’ days that he becomes a cable TV political pundit. Most episodes are thinly veiled xenophobic rants; Rogers believes the only “real” Americans are non-mutated straight white men. Unfortunately this only accounts for about 2% of the on-screen population in the Marvel universe.

 

S.H.I.E.L.D: Miami

It would be exactly like CSI except David Caruso’s character would be replaced by Nick Fury and whoops I’m trying to write absurd show premises but that would actually be fucking awesome. I’d watch that. I’d watch that so hard.

Previously: Superheroes Trying to Hide Their Boners

  • Margomasur

    *facepalms at the concept of The Rogers Factor* Uh, NO.

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