Slacktory

AAEG Disney mountain lair

This week, the Evil Genie answers celebrity questions. But leave a wish in the comments and next week he might answer!

Zac Efron wishes: I wish that Justin Bieber had never been born.

The Evil Genie replies: Aw, Zef. I get it. After High School Musical, you were the floppiest hair on the block and everyone was obsessed with you. Little girls loved you, little boys wanted to be you, moms wanted to adopt you, dads wanted to toughen you up but begrudgingly admitted you were good at basketball. It was all Zefron, all the time! But when Biebs appeared on the scene, he was younger, his hair was floppier, he was even less threatening. You were usurped. I’m sorry, bro.

So, poof, no more Bieber! Since High School Musical there has been you, you and more you! For years! All you! Usher adopts YOU and you teach one another sweet dance moves. You star in a film called Always Say Always: The Zac Efron Story, and it is a massive hit. Grad School Musical debuts at number one at the box office, you release a line of bang-care products, you go on tour and tweens throw themselves in the streets. There is panic, and outcry, and it’s awesome.

As you start to age, however, the way you have recently, your Disney overlords are angry. You are taken to a secret meeting high atop a Tibetan mountain — the one they threw Michael Ovitz off of — to discuss your deteriorating youth.

“Zachariah,” the executive, shrouded in an ancient ceremonial hood and three-piece suit, begins, “You have been called here today to achieve man’s eternal dream: everlasting life.”

“Oh, thanks, dude,” you tell him, “but I’m just growing up. I mean, I’m really trying to beef up for this Nicholas Sparks movie and change up the old ’do and after that I was thinking I’d like to try some different kinds of roles like a wrestler or maybe a fighter pi—”

“SILENCE!” The hood intones. The figure grabs you roughly by the neck, holding a syringe close to your jugular. “We need to preserve your healthy, lithe young body and dewey, supple skin. And those bangs, oh, those bangs. THEY ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. There is no one to replace you, there is no one like you, Zac. We can never let you see the light of maturity.”

You’re terrified, and try to reason with him. “What about those Zack and Cody bros! They seem like good guys! Teach them to two step and—”

“NO ONE LIKES ZACK AND CODY.”

As the needle pierces your skin, you feel your balls start to ascend back into your body. Get ready to dance!

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