Though George Lucas claims that his 1977 film Star Wars is entirely original, based merely on his memories of the science fiction serials of his youth, new scholarly research has revealed the truth. Lucas was merely plagiarizing a much older work, a lost play by William Shakespeare. Shocking. Absolutely shocking.
Here, for the first time, I present selected excerpts from THE WAR OF THE STARRES. Enjoy:
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THE WAR OF THE STARRES
A SUDDEN HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
by Wm. Shakespeare
At the pleafure of her moft rightous maj. Queen Elisabeth
Anno domini 1604
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SCENE 1. INTERIOR. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER. HALLWAY.
Her highness Princess Leia Organa is led by a troupe of Stormtroopers. On her way, she encounters Sir Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith.
Leia: ‘Pon my soul! Lord Vader. I should have known’it.
Vader: The very one stands before you. Verily, thou hast said it.
Leia: Only you would be so bold, despised sir, as to enter the Blockade Runner Senatorial. In truth, the Senate will not hear of it! I am in their service, on a mission of greatest import–
Vader: Spare me your meaningless persiflage, your highness! I know the truth, I will have it from you!
Leia: [Aside] I am afeared that he will come to it, by and by–
Vader: You are a member of that foul rabble, those most accursed wretches. You know of whom I speak! Thou art a member of the Rebel Alliance!
Leia: God’s wounds!
Vader: Thou art a traitor. Guards, do your duty!
Leia: I am abashed, yet remain unbowed.
The Stormtroopers lead her away in chains…
ACT 2. SCENE 3. A HOUSE. TATOOINE
Ben: …For a thousand years, the Jedi were the guardians of truth and justice in this galaxy. Before the dark times, this was; in distant days, the salad days of yore. I speak of the time before the Empire.
Luke the Skywalker: But what of my father? Dost thou know the meaning and manner of his death?
Ben: ’Tis a matter most grave and sad. A foul knight called Darth Vader killed him; sent him to murky darkness before his time. …Darkness? Did I speak of darkness? O bitter irony! Darth Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force — under the sway of this darkness, he murdered thy father. Trust not in the darkness, Luke. Stay true to the light, never to the dark side of the Force. For the light brings us morning, and birdsong, and all things of peace and balm. But my thoughts wander; to what point did I speak? Ah, yes. ’Twas Vader. Vader killed thy father.
ACT 3. INTERIOR. MILLENNIUM FALCON. COCKPIT.
An Imperial Fighter zooms by.
Luke: Look! The Fighter Imperial travels towards that small moon.
Ben: ’Tis no moon. ’Tis a space station.
Han the Solo: Thine eyes deceive you. That is too large, by far. ’Tis no space station. [Aside] You simpering old fool…
Luke: My heart sinks into the sea. [Aside] I have a very bad feeling about this.
Han: Nay, I spoke too soon. ’Tis a space station indeed. Chewbecca! Avaunt! As the curlew circles and returns to its summer home, so circle round and lead us to escape!
Han: Madness! We are drawn towards the station on a invisible tractor beam.
ACT 4. INTERIOR. DEATH STAR. CELL BLOCK.
An explosion. The Imperial Troops enter the room.
Han: Chewie! Avaunt!
Luke and Leia rush into the room.
Han: [Aside] Ah, my heart swoons! A princess of such surpassing beauty; beauty as I have never known! But I must not betray my thoughts. The Lady Leia must not know of my secret desire.
They battle the Stormtroopers. During the gunfight, Han blasts the door leading to the exit.
Han: The way is blocked! We cannot exit!
Leia: Foolish wretch! Thou hast cut off our one escape route!
Han: I bite my thumb at thee, lady.
Leia: Dost thou! You are most impudent. Resume your rightful place, foul mercenary. Remember: I hold sway here now; you serve at my command.
Han: Nonetheless, I bite my thumb at thee.
Leia: O vile insult!
Luke: Han! Leia! Waste not these moments in argument! The seconds tick onward — time is fleeting, and we must flee!
Leia blasts a hole into the wall. She gestures commandingly to Han.
Leia: Into the garbage chute, flyboy!
ACT 5. INTERIOR. DEATH STAR. MAIN HALLWAY LEADING TO THE HANGAR BAY.
Vader: …O, all my yesterdays have led to this day! Obi-Wan, step forward. Approach me! Long have I awaited this moment.
Ben: [Aside] He awaits, but does not anticipate. Little does he know the truth. Should he strike me down, I shall become more powerful than he can possibly imagine.
Vader: At last. When last we met, a mere servant was I — and you, you were the master. Now, gone are those days — time has worked its magic upon our roles, as an infant becomes a yeoman, so I have grown into my days. Now, the circle is complete. Now, I have become the master.
Ben: Thou art only a master of evil, Darth.
ACT 6. EXTERIOR. DEATH STAR TRENCH TUNNEL.
Luke flies through the tunnel in his X-Wing Fighter.
Luke: R2! The exhaust port approaches! [Aside] If I can but maintain my position for a few more seconds—
R2-D2: Beep boop!
Darth Vader zooms into the trench, firing at the X-Wing.
Luke: R2! Thou art hit!
There is silence.
Luke: R2? R2? …He is gone.
Vader: I have you now!
Luke: O cursed fate!
Vader: …’Tis passing strange. The force is strong in this one.
Han Solo flies in from above.
Han: Avaunt. Hark, you villain! The redemption — and the saving grace – is mine!
Han Solo fires, striking Vader.
Vader: Mine ship spins wildly out of control!
His ship spins wildly out of control.
Han: The moment is yours, kid! Now, let us blow this wretched thing — this vile battle station — and go home!
Luke: [Aside] ’Tis Ben’s voice! But that’s impossible!
Ben: Luke, I am Ben’s spirit! Hear me, for what I say is of the utmost import! Luke — you must use the force!
Luke: Zounds! If this be your demand, then I shall follow your command! O force, fail me not!
He fires, striking the Death Star. The space station explodes, shattering into flames and dust. The ships exeunt, as do our villans and our players.
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…And so there you have it. George Lucas, plagiarist! Where did he find a copy of Shakespeare’s long-lost “Star Warres,” unknown to scholarship until now? We may never know.
Tune in next time, when I locate a missing version of, oh, Jaws or something, hidden in an ancient Mayan burial crypt, or something like that. Until then, carry on, my friends!