The internet’s pretty much the best thing ever. It’s where these words live. (The words you’re reading!) But wow, some people do not understand it. Or worse: they do, and they’re jerks about it.

Maybe these people have disguised a banner ad as a software download link (or worse: a “close this window” link), or they’ve designed a restaurant website so it auto-plays a crazy jazz song while you just try to find the restaurant menu.

Which is why we should send them to a farm.

Not, like, a death farm! Nothing like that. Just a nice farm out in the country where they can hang out in the sunshine and pick crops and not ruin the goddamn internet for everyone for fuck’s sake.

Imagine this: A business man who embedded a MIDI on his corporate website back in 2009 carries a bag of corn to a barn. He passes a woman who insisted her company’s website have a Flash intro, and she’s driving a tractor and having a great time. She waves at a herd of SEO guys, and they all wave back! They’re painting a barn or doing something equally farm-y, and they’re just having a blast. Look at ‘em, wiping their sweaty foreheads with their power ties. They are super happy at this farm I invented for internet jerks.

Listen, that’s all I had to say about this weird farm idea, but let me tell you a couple things that happened while working on the title graphic for this post:

I image searched for “farm workers” and got a ton of photos of people working on farms and then also A PHOTO OF A BABY WITH NO ARMS AND LEGS. I mean, the baby was totally relaxed, but man. What the hell. Thanks, Google! Maybe YOU should go to a farm.

Here’s another thing: I learned that it’s really hard to find photos of white people working on a farm. I just wanted a photo of some stuffy white folks on a farm, like I describe above! But it didn’t work. These are the searches I tried:

  • “farm workers”
  • “farm workers -mexican”
  • “farm workers -mexican -hispanic”
  • “white farm workers”

NOTHING. I mean, I guess I found one photo of a scrawny white dude bending over a small organic farm, but that’s not enough! I wanted 3-4 people who could have words above their heads!

Man, I am really having trouble explaining why I needed white people. I probably sound like a HUGE racist right now.

I mean, I needed corporate-looking people, right? Which isn’t to say that Mexican laborers can’t be corporate, but c’mon! Ugh, see my problem? I sound like a monster. I’m not saying “There’s no such thing as a Mexican CEO” but holy crap I’m almost there, right?

I guess another thing I learned today is that it’s really hard to say “I’m looking for white people” without sounding like terrible.

Anyway, now I feel like a jerk for putting this garbage on the Internet. If anyone needs me I guess I’ll be at a farm, pushing a plow with some guy who hides viruses inside kitty cat screensavers.

  • Manning Peterson

    You have to take the work out of the search to get white people.  Try “farm internship” which is kind of hilarious if you think about it.  Also “organic farm” or “farm CSA”

Copyright © 2015 My Damn Channel, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Designed in collaboration with Wondersauce.