The internet’s pretty much the best thing ever. It’s where these words live. (The words you’re reading!) But wow, some people do not understand it. Or worse: they do, and they’re jerks about it.
Maybe these people have disguised a banner ad as a software download link (or worse: a “close this window” link), or they’ve designed a restaurant website so it auto-plays a crazy jazz song while you just try to find the restaurant menu.
Which is why we should send them to a farm.
Not, like, a death farm! Nothing like that. Just a nice farm out in the country where they can hang out in the sunshine and pick crops and not ruin the goddamn internet for everyone for fuck’s sake.
Imagine this: A business man who embedded a MIDI on his corporate website back in 2009 carries a bag of corn to a barn. He passes a woman who insisted her company’s website have a Flash intro, and she’s driving a tractor and having a great time. She waves at a herd of SEO guys, and they all wave back! They’re painting a barn or doing something equally farm-y, and they’re just having a blast. Look at ‘em, wiping their sweaty foreheads with their power ties. They are super happy at this farm I invented for internet jerks.
Listen, that’s all I had to say about this weird farm idea, but let me tell you a couple things that happened while working on the title graphic for this post:
I image searched for “farm workers” and got a ton of photos of people working on farms and then also A PHOTO OF A BABY WITH NO ARMS AND LEGS. I mean, the baby was totally relaxed, but man. What the hell. Thanks, Google! Maybe YOU should go to a farm.
Here’s another thing: I learned that it’s really hard to find photos of white people working on a farm. I just wanted a photo of some stuffy white folks on a farm, like I describe above! But it didn’t work. These are the searches I tried:
- “farm workers”
- “farm workers -mexican”
- “farm workers -mexican -hispanic”
- “white farm workers”
NOTHING. I mean, I guess I found one photo of a scrawny white dude bending over a small organic farm, but that’s not enough! I wanted 3-4 people who could have words above their heads!
Man, I am really having trouble explaining why I needed white people. I probably sound like a HUGE racist right now.
I mean, I needed corporate-looking people, right? Which isn’t to say that Mexican laborers can’t be corporate, but c’mon! Ugh, see my problem? I sound like a monster. I’m not saying “There’s no such thing as a Mexican CEO” but holy crap I’m almost there, right?
I guess another thing I learned today is that it’s really hard to say “I’m looking for white people” without sounding like terrible.
Anyway, now I feel like a jerk for putting this garbage on the Internet. If anyone needs me I guess I’ll be at a farm, pushing a plow with some guy who hides viruses inside kitty cat screensavers.