L wishes: My one true wish is that Lindsay Lohan gets better and the world loves her again.

Genie answers: Sometimes, to make these wishes happen, I have to make some new science. I have to create something that isn’t just fly-by-night magic, but is sound and structural and a part of the fabric of the universe — something that will keep running long after I’ve stopped paying attention, which is immediately. This is how photosynthesis came to be, and also inertia. For this incredibly complicated wish, I’ve created the theory of reLiLotivity.

Better is a relative term, and changing Lindsay Lohan has proven to be impossible time and time again (Jane Fonda failed!), so there is only one solution: we’re going to have to worsen up everyone on the planet to meet Lindsay’s standards.

Now, all mankind has the education level of a bratty child with an on-set tutor, the wrongheaded self-seriousness of a woman who believed a guest-spot on Ugly Betty could constitute a comeback, and the morals of a person raised by Dina and Michael Lohan. PARTY!

After President Obama makes the State of the Union into a drinking game — taking a shot when Democrats clap and two when a Republican has an outburst, outbursts being a fairly frequent occurrence these days — Ms. Lohan steps in and shows the assembled Congress how to get things dooooone. She is immediately elected New President, because no one is sure how the Electoral College works anyways. Members of the House do rails off of the American flag, while the Senators try to figure out where to install a spray tan booth. All the congresswomen make out with each other, and then decide they’re into guys. They decide to put some shit to a vote: the national bird is now the middle finger, the national beverage is Vodka Redbull, and the national flower is herpes, for the lovely way it blooms. Then there’s an orgy starring Wilmer Valderrama.

President Lindsay rules Hollywood with an iron fist, headlining all the movies and coming up with all the ideas. She does biopics of most of history’s porn stars and a remake of the Duff Sisters’ Material Girls, costarring her baby sister/ renowned gnarled witch Ali Lohan. Dina Lohan gets her own TV network, DLN, which has all the same shows as OWN but with only white people. Lindsay considers recording another album, but she’s tired from her official Presidential duties, so she creates a public works project wherein speakers are installed every 45 feet blaring “Rumors” on repeat. Mount Rushmore is re-carved into five statues of her face — an extra head being necessary to represent her star turn in Labor Pains. Rehab is outlawed, judges are sent to jail, and there are no more morgues. Emma Stone is banished to Elba.

But it’s not just America! The RevoLiLution is a global phenomenon. In the Louvrehan, famous works of art are remade in her image — the Mona LiLo, the Venus di LiLo, The Death of the Virgin. In Africa, starving children learn to subsist on self-mutilation and trace amounts of cocaine, just like Lindsay did when she was filming Machete. In India, sacred cows are destroyed for being gross and fat, while thinner cows are hailed as pretty miracles. Colombia becomes a world superpower, controlling most of the world’s most valuable resource. Coffee! I’m kidding, it’s cocaine.

By 2015, humanity has been wiped out by a plague of viral meningitis and drunk driving.

  • Peachy Carnahan

    It’s so beautiful.

    Oh, spiteful, mean, wicked genie, please grant my wish: let me undo all of the mistakes in my past. Give me a magical undo button!

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