Titanic without Leo's face

People are constantly complaining about movie prices. Everyone’s always like “Back in my day movies were 3 cents” or some shit, but you guys! Our $9 isn’t just paying for 90 minutes of Katherine Heigl making cutesy faces and poorly delivering her lines! Our money is going much further than we think.

Allow me break it down for you:

  1. The actual movie itself only costs $1.00.1
  2. If you get to put your feet up on the seat in front of you, it costs $0.50.
  3. If you can’t put your feet up, but were able to sigh loudly with disgust at the person who took the seat in front of you, it costs $0.50.
  4. If neither B nor C applies then I’m afraid you’ve been ripped off $0.50.
  5. Hearing candy wrapper crackling, and sloppy, open-mouthed, popcorn chewing throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE doesn’t cost anything, but you are charged $0.75 for front row seats to America’s growing obesity epidemic.
  6. If you have the privilege of sitting next to a black person, then congratulations my movie-going friend! You’ve just landed yourself your very own personal narrator. In case the movie wasn’t obvious enough for you, this person will literally repeat the scene that you JUST watched in an outside voice. All for only $1.00!
  7. It also costs $1.00 to sit next to a white person, but please note that instead of a personal narrator, YOU now become the narrator (which can be even more fun!) because that person is going to whisper non-stop questions like, “Do you know what’s going on?” or “I think Angelina Jolie is pretty, but not like, PRETTY pretty, know what I mean?” or “Where do you wanna go after this?”
  8. Even if the seat next to you is empty, it still costs $1.00. Unfortunately, your movie will consist of no interruptions, and full use of the armrests.
  9. Speaking of armrests, everyone has to pay $0.75 whether or not they get to use them. However, if you touch a stranger’s hand while reaching for your 3-gallon, 950-calorie Pepsi, then you may be charged an extra $0.25.2
  10. It costs $0.50 every time someone gets up to pee during the movie, and squeezes past you while saying, “Sorry, this is the last time! But I’m still gonna stick my giant ass in your face while you do that awkward half-sit, half-stand thing.”
  11. It costs another $0.50 each time you silently picture that’s person’s overactive bladder causing them to lose balance and fall on their face while walking down the stairs. In this fantasy, they will lay motionless on the ground while you giggle to yourself over some Snowcaps. Of course they’ll regain consciousness eventually (you’re not crazy!), but not until the movie is over.
  12. You are refunded your entire $9.00 if you’re able to permanently silence someone’s loud, annoying kid(s) without going to jail because YOU DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE WATCHING KUNG FU PANDA VI IT’S LIKE GET YOUR KID OUTTA HERE THE JOKES ARE MORE FOR ADULTS ANYWAY
  13. You are also refunded $0.25 each time you successfully smack someone’s buzzing cell phone out of their stupid hands.
  14. Depending on the theater, you may also receive a $0.50 rebate if you leave the establishment without your shoes (because they’re still stuck to the floor)
  15. The remaining portion of your money is spent when someone nearby won’t shut the fuck up. Not only are they narrating and asking questions, they’re kicking your seat, making obnoxious noises, and making you consider a new use for the pepper spray in your purse. This is where you get to rehearse your best “passive-aggressive-evil-side-glare” while exhaling dramatically, and whispering, “Do you BELIEVE them?” loudly enough for you and your movie-going party to hear, but not in the hearing range of the culprit. And if they DO hear you, you innocently reply,“no, not YOU, HAHA!” and sit quietly while pretending that your blood pressure isn’t soaring to emergency levels.3

There you have it. After reading this, I highly doubt that you’ll be upset the next time you have to dish out $9 to see a movie. Personally, I think movie theaters should be charging more! But then again that could just be my extremely high, passive-aggressive blood pressure talking.

Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)
  1. If the movie has Kristen Stewart, Tyler Perry, or Nicolas Cage with long hair, you are automatically issued a complete refund along with a sincere apology letter from the world.
  2. Comes with diabetes.
  3. White-knuckled armrest gripping, and rapid knee-bouncing are also included.
  • Mongo

    Interesting that you mention the Nicholas Cage/hair length thing.

    I have a long standing thesis entitled “The Tom Cruise Hair Length Movie Quality Correlation” (need to work on the title).

    Simply stated, the quality of any given film with Tom Cruise in it is inversely proportionate to the length of his character’s hair. Thusly, the following should be ‘good’ films:

    Tropic Thunder,
    A Few Good Men,Top Gun (shut up),
    Risky Business,
    Rain Man,
    Mission Impossible 1,
    Jerry Maguire,
    and the list goes on and on…
    The following films should by this standard, be terrible:Days of Thunder,
    Mission Impossible 2,
    Vanilla Sky,
    The Last Samurai,
    which they all are.”What about Born on the Fourth of July” I hear you ask? Pretty sure is hair is short at the start when the movie is cool, and it proceeds to become long right where the plot gets boring and I go hunting for old tapes of Baywatch.Mongo.

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