Slacktory

SFW Porn

Amateur: You’re hoping one day you’ll see your crazy ex on here.

Anal: At restaurants, you keep filling up on bread.

Asian: You just wish they sounded happy.

BBW: You have grabby hands.

Big dick: You’ve tried the “gay porn” section a few times and it honestly didn’t do much for you, but men who pretend to be physically sickened by it are lying, you know it.

Big tits: You have a favorite pro wrestler.

Blonde: You buy the wine with the prettiest label.

Bondage: You keep meaning to put all your to-do lists together and really start using your gym membership and maybe prepping next year’s taxes while your bank statements are still fresh.

Bukkake: You buy girls multi-ingredient cocktails.

Casting: You got into this genre when you could still hold your pecker with three fingers and you knew most of it was fake but this one series was real.

Celebrity: You read a lot of magazines with yellow sans serif headlines on the front.

“Cumpilation”: You don’t watch many movies, but you Wikipedia the ending to every one.

Creampie: You like a good brick building.

Dominatrix: You love when your friends tease you. It shows they know you.

DP: You rage at movies shortened and pan-n-scanned for TV or airplanes.

Ebony: You’ve never been friends with a girl before you started dating her.

Funny: You have long-lasting relationships, and your breakups were all amicable. You guys still IM a lot.

Gay: You are homosexual or bisexual.

Handjob: You have a lot of fantasies revolving around parking an Oldsmobile in a field.

Hardcore: You’ve eaten loads of pad thai, but not a single dumpling in peanut sauce.

Hentai: You look for Something Awful threads mocking weird fetish videos on YouTube, because somehow you can both laugh and fap to them.

Humiliation: You do shots.

Interracial: You can’t help but think of that Kanye lyric from “Dark Twisted Fantasy” every time.

Lesbian: You splooge into a Kleenex Cool Touch.

Masturbation: You wish more YouTube hits were sad instead of cute/funny.

Mature: You love zipping up a dress.

MILF: You like to say “salt of the earth”.

Orgy: You’ve forgotten the names of people you called “friends” in conversation.

Outdoor/Exhibitionist: You get a thrill watching stand-up comics forget what joke they were going to tell next.

Pornstar: You’re a “low-information voter”.

POV: You own a Fleshlight.

Redhead: Your favorite dinner is steak with roasted vegetables, followed by Devil’s Food cake.

Small tits: You pair this up with Facebook pics of your high school crush.

Softcore: You’re on a tolerance break.

Squirt: You nasty, boyyyy!

Teen: You know exactly what “ephebophile” means and how it relates to certain other Greek words. You know a lot about state law.

Toys: You’ve experimented with hotel shampoo bottles.

Tranny: Those experiments proved highly successful.

Vintage: You got laid at your Steampunk meetup.

Voyeur: You’re looking forward to being 50, because then you’ll be the same age as everyone at those nudist getaways, so then it’ll be sexy to go on them, and you won’t get embarrassed by a boner because you won’t just get boners that easily.

Webcam: You are so stoked to be heading to college.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002442264776 J Pedro Veiga

    “Teen: You know exactly what “ephebophile” means and how it relates to certain other Greek words. You know a lot about state law.”

    Don’t know about the others but this is something I relate to.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/DJBTUNNRVNBLRK6VINZA4FDFYA Noodle

    Awful article, yet again.
    Great job.

    • John

      Yeah, I was scratching my head the whole way through…

  • Gregward

    So I’m a dirty boy

  • Pino

    This is so creepily accurate D:

  • Ron

    Interesting article

    What about “hairy” ?

    • http://toomuchnick.com Nick

      You’re a man’s man. And a woman’s man. And I’m pretty sure there’s a hedge fund that has a stake in you too.

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