Slacktory

hungergameslogo600

Over the past week, the internet was flooded with GIFs and photoshopped montages for the new movie, The Hunger Games. There are hundreds of nearly identical webcomics of the main characters joking about bread and cake. I’m sure there’s a Tumblr dedicated to Hunger Games/Arrested Development mashups.

After days of unwillingly subjecting myself to artfully constructed GIFs on Tumblr, I feel comfortable recapping this movie for vault dwellers or any lucky person who escaped the fandom torrent unscathed.

The Hunger Games is about a girl named Katniss who has to fight kids in the woods because America demands it. What sets the main character, Katniss, apart from the other contestants is that she volunteers to be in the contest, which seems like a pretty big deal because this GIF of it is everywhere.

i volunteer

There’s a guy named Peevus or something. He supposed to be tough even though I think he was on iCarly?

liv it up

Apparently living it up means to stab nonthreatening things with swords. Sounds about right. Anyways, they fall in love but in that insufferable way where the whole movie is just alternating shots of them looking at each other and shots of them looking away. BECAUSE LOVE IS CONFUSING.

Peeta staring

There are thousands of GIFs like this. Every so often, they take a break and stare at other people. I think that’s Will Smith’s daughter?

more staring

Katniss also stares at this guy a lot.

other guy

He is Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend, and he looks the way you always wanted Hayden Christensen to look. I’m not quite sure what that Hayden Christensen comment was supposed to mean but I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

ghoul

This terrible looking lady is in this movie at some point.

jason schwartzman

Hey, it’s Jason Schwartzman. Loved him in Bored to Death! He looks like he’s having a lot of fun.

Seneca Crane

While 95 percent of The Hunger Games fandom is dedicating themselves to churning out nearly identical sepia montages of the ‘star-crossed lovers’ staring at each other or looking away, the other 5 percent is dedicated to some asshole in a red shirt who has the most terrible beard in the world. It’s like a regular beard but it curves and hooks around his face and it’s impossible to believe that a person would ever have that beard no matter how dystopian their government is.

His beard seriously makes me so angry. It’s a cheap ploy to make weak, one-dimensional characters more memorable by giving them a distinct and whimsical physical feature but now us normal people have to deal with beards like this at the mall and my notebook for reasons to never leave my house again gets more and more filled every day.

huh

What?!? Is that an actual quote? If it is, then we definitely have a Hunger Games/Breaking Bad mashup Tumblr to look forward to.

what

I don’t know what’s going on here but it seems unnecessary and I don’t like it.

bread

I give up. I have a headache and I’ve seen a thousand of these GIFs and I still don’t understand a single thing about this dumb fucking movie. But I know I hate it. I hate it so, so much. Please, everybody, just chill out and stop beating every new thing into the ground. #YOLO

  • http://nath.is/ Nathaniel Higgins

    Dude, his beard is like that because he is from the Capitol. If you had read the books, you would know the Capitol is a place where everyone looks, and acts, strangely. You can see this when they first arrive at the Capitol on the train in the film.

    • Yolo

       I’m pretty sure that the person who wrote this review made it pretty clear that they didn’t read the book. It’s still very funny though for someone who adores the story.

    • http://toomuchnick.com Anonymous

      Please re-read the headline.

  • Aznpride

    But….thats not Jason Schwartzman. It’s Stanley Tucci….

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