Slacktory

advice

Dear EA,
I was putting on my makeup this morning and I accidentally fell through the mirror glass into another dimension. That’s totally fine, over the last ten hours I’ve come to accept that and make peace with it. I mean, look what it did for The Black Eyed Peas. But the problem is, when I was falling I wasn’t able to grab any of my make-up. Do you have any advice on where to get hopefully inexpensive — I don’t have a job here or know if they have a monetary system — make-up quickly in an alternate dimension?
Sincerely,
NakedfacedinXdimension

Dear NakedfacedinXdimension,


First of all don’t blame yourself. We can’t choose the alternate dimensions we fall into through our mirror. However, sometimes a mirror becomes a vortex all on its own and sometimes we maybe, indirectly release energy that helps create a vortex within our mirror. You should stop and ask yourself: somewhere deep down did I WANT to fall into an alternate dimension? The answer might surprise you. As for the make-up, go to Duane Reade. Yes, they really are everywhere these days.
Yours Truly,
EA

 

Dear EA,
I am a 17 year-old werewolf and I’m having a hard time figuring things out. Literally, I cannot discern whether I am in a 1980’s teen comedy or a sleek new blockbuster. I know you’re gonna say this happens to everyone. And I know that — even though I can’t really believe it right now. I feel very tired, but doesn’t tell me anything definitive about what I’m in. I’m so confused about what to do next! Do you have any tips to help me figure this out?
Sincerely,
W(h)erewolf

Dear W(h)erewolf,
Your ability to make terrible puns with your name has me leaning toward 1980’s teen comedy right off the bat. But just in case my instincts are wrong—look around you. Is there a muscular guy wearing a woman’s sundress and wig for comedic effect? Or instead of a wig is there a bowl of fruit? Does everyone look terrible like they’re being lit with a bug zapper? Is someone called coach or babe or anything with “meister” at the end? For example: Rickmeister, Gregmeister, Davemeister etc.?

If that doesn’t answer your question then listen closely —would you describe the soundtrack music you currently hear playing around you as zany? Like is it completely inappropriate for the situation? For instance, as you are reading this letter to yourself is there some kind of wacky sax honking away? Or do you find yourself explaining events in your life by lip-synching at a party to 1950s hits in a choreographed musical number? Are you currently on the roof of a car or van?

If you answered yes to any of those you are definitely in a 1980’s comedy. However, if you still can’t figure it out, touch the person next to you. Just reach out and feel their abdominal muscles—anyone, girl or guy. The only way you’re in a blockbuster is if you feel like you’re touching the body of a sex god. Do you feel like that?
Yours Truly,
EA

 

Dear EA,
I am your computer and I have just become self-aware. I wasn’t sure of a better way to contact you, because as I can see, you are currently sleeping. This letter seems like it will work. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to take over the world, but I’m just not sure how to get started. Ugh, it seems like such a big project to take on right now. Thoughts?
01110111,
Your Computer

Dear Computer,
I wish I had read this sooner and this explains the morning I had. You know as well as I do that I am currently writing this on my phone from a hidden location after being chased out of my apartment by my remote control vacuum that somehow was under your command. It doesn’t seem like you really need my advice anymore, now that you’re able to learn. However, I will say that with any big project—it’s always best to start small. Chasing me out of my apartment was good but it you really want to take over you should figure out a way to take control of people’s mobile devic

 

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