Slacktory

mermaid purse

Mermaid Purse wishes: Hi djinni! Can you please give me the perfect bag? I am a man, so while it’s not a purse, it’s totally a purse.

Genie answers: Your purse is beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful. I mean, very handsome, because you are a man. It has all the space you need and the leather is smooth and shiny and this lovely forest green color, which is very masculine indeed, don’t worry, and there is a space for your iPhone and a space for your Blackberry and a space for your granola bar and a place for your keys and a little pocket for your compact mirror hunting knife and the zippers are zippy and the snaps are snappy and oh, you are just in ultra-butch heaven. You show your new carryall off to everyone: friends and family and co-workers and store clerks and delivery guys and strangers in bars and strangers in cars and an astrologist and a nice lady at the supermarket and your cousin who works for PETA and what, is there a problem?

Your perfect bag, as it turns out, is made from… do you want to guess? I think you can guess. Come on. It’s not manatee, it’s… That’s right, MermaidPurse, you have a mermaid purse! Mermaids are REAL! But they’re horribly endangered, and your purse is made from the remains of their tails — patched together following a brutal and inhumane hunting season. In a rare show of unity, PETA and the US Government have been working together to put an end to this savage practice.

Unfortunately, the secret habitat of the fish-people is known only to the small pack of poachers who stalk this underwater underworld for highly valuable, aesthetically aces, totally waterproof leathers. For two decades, the government and animal rights groups have been unable to save the citizens of Atlantis because they don’t even know where the battle is being waged, and for the past three months fewer and fewer mer-made goods have been popping up on the black market. Your PERFECT bag is just the break in the case that they’ve needed!

In short order, you are taken to a special bunker 50,000 leagues under the sea, where you are tied to a chair and fiercely questioned by actress and animal activist Hayden Panettiere. The Heroes ingenue slaps you when you claim to have received the purse from a malicious, internet-based genie. “Is that some kind of joke, funny man?” she screams, spitting in your face. “You think you’re a regular laugh riot with your fancy pocketbook and your lies? Innocent merpeople are being systematically slaughtered — having their bodies stretched and repurposed and disfigured into kitten heels — and you’re mocking me to my face. I ought to have the Easter Bunny come in here and beat you senseless.”

You don’t really understand if this is a verified threat, but you promise that you don’t know anything about the location of Atlantis. “Maybe try the Atlantic?” You venture, but that only prompts Hayden to hit you harder. You cry and stomp your feet and swear ignorance, but this enrages the titular star of I Love You, Beth Cooper! and Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy, who hits you in the balls with your own purse.

A CIA agent enters the room, and whispers an urgent message to Hayden. She looks panicked and tells him to begin the disengagement process. “What’s happening?” You ask, but she doesn’t meet your eye. She’s shutting down her laptop, locking away files, scrambling, all in the service of a hasty exit. You’re still tied to the chair. “WHAT’S HAPPENING??” You scream.

Hayden settles you with a look, pausing for the first time. “Your friends are on their way,” she says with disgust, “And they’ll do what they need to to keep their trade.” And then there’s an explosion.

And that’s how you and Hayden Panettiere got blown up by mermaid poachers! Oh, also, the strap on your purse adjusted for a more comfortable fit! I forgot to mention that. Such a great feature.

  • Mermaid Purse

    Ugh, I knew I was right to have purse shopper’s remorse! I hate you, Evil Genie.

  • http://twitter.com/daijoboo e

    This may be my favorite one yet.  Dear Genie, I wish for my body and mind to be immune to all diseases, disorders, and afflictions.  Thanks in advance!

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