cartoon dragon

Meredith Haggerty bought a lamp off Etsy and discovered an evil genie. She wished to have a column in a prestigious blog, and the genie gave her this.

The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week, so leave a wish in the comments and keep checking to see if it’s answered!

Nonevil genie asks:

I wish I could ride a dragon into work, instead of the stupid metro.

Genie replies:

When you walk out of your apartment Monday morning and there’s a dragon waiting, you forget for a second that you asked for this. The enormous, fire-breathing monster barely seems to fit in the street outside of your apartment, having crushed a mailbox and a stroller during his landing. Smoke curls from his face, his skin is made of poky/slimy scales and he looks pissed. The chauffeur cap is a pretty cute touch, though.

You approach slowly, realizing now that you are not sure exactly how one mounts a mythical creature. You really should have rented that children’s movie about how to train a dragon; it’s right in the title. Too late now. You climb on his back, and start to give him directions to your work. “I know how to get there,” he cuts you off, annoyed but well-spoken.

Taking off, you find the air colder than you expected and the dragon’s back difficult to grasp. He flies fast and without much care for his passenger. The ride is bumpy and terrifying, and you quickly realize that he is flying in a completely circuitous route. You try to get his attention, but he can’t seem to hear you. “Sir!” you scream, “we can just go as the crow flies.” “As the crow flies? As the crow flies. You clearly don’t know the first thing about air traffic. There are rules!” You sit back, embarrassed, but still suspect that he is jacking up the meter.

When he finally arrives at your work, he lands roughly and you fall to the ground. Injured and tired of his attitude, you holler that you’re not going to pay your fare, with service like that. Now, you’re attracting stares. As the fight grows heated, so does the dragon. In his fury, he snorts a flame toward your office building, destroying the foyer and the receptionist and all of the ficuses. Someone calls the fire department, and they call in the National Guard.

Due to the recent passage of the Wish Personal Responsibility Act, you and your fiery foe will be found equally culpable in the damages, so you are forced to flee together. On the road, you slowly learn to appreciate one another’s differences, growing close, learning to trust, and eventually falling in love. Then, right before you are getting ready to propose and make this crazy, unlikely, beautiful union legal, your dragon is horribly slaughtered by the US government, and you are imprisoned for — among many other charges — dragon bestiality.

Remember to leave a wish!

  • Joylovestheinternet

    Hello genie! Can you please help rid me of my work nemesis without causing any negative backlash on my career, personal life or those I love? THANKS

  • Mermaid Purse

    Hi djinni! Can you please give me the perfect bag? I am a man, so while it’s not a purse, it’s totally a purse.

  • Inventor of Post-its

    Dear Evil Genie,  Hi. Love your work. I’d like to be able to drink coffee after 5pm and not end up being up all night. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

  • ec

    dear evil genie, can you get me laid?  it has binawhile

  • Richard Seekrit

    Dear Evil Genie,
    Can you please find me a job where all I have to do is ride my bike, read books, and make fun of Joslyn?

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