Meredith Haggerty bought a lamp off Etsy and discovered an evil genie. She wished to have a column in a prestigious blog, and the genie gave her this.
The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week, so leave a wish in the comments and keep checking to see if it’s answered!
Megsokay wishes: Evil Genie, I wish my headache would go away!
Evil Genie replies: Your headache is gone!
You feel light, weightless, and then as though you’re sinking back through time. You remember your last big work accomplishment, and then your most romantic moment. You think of the last time you made someone laugh, of your first night living in New York, of your college graduation. You think of your first love, your worst fight, your last ice cream cone, the ocean, walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, your friends giggling, the mall near your first house, a shooting star, learning to drive a stick shift while your brother cried in the back seat, pine trees, honey, Mrs. Rosamund’s Civics class and staring at the back of Brian Kim’s head, skinning your knee, getting a bad report card, your middle school parking lot, the smell of roses, winning the spelling bee, the Grand Canyon, catching a fly ball, the time you ate a pack of crayons and some glitter and threw up in class and it was beautiful but everyone laughed, your father winking, the song “Stand by Me,” the feel of your grandmother’s couch cushions, your sister smiling, bread crumbs being thrown to ducks, a puppy wagging his tail, the feeling of safety, the feeling of warmth, the first moment you opened your eyes and saw the great big beautiful world.
You remember all these things because your life is flashing before your eyes, and your life is flashing before your eyes because you’re dead. You’re dead because the fastest way to get rid of your headache was to get rid of your head. You’re welcome!