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On March 1, Google rolls out a new terms of service across all its services. They told you it was important, but you didn’t read it. I translated it line-for-line into PG-13 straight talk so you’ll actually pay attention. I also translated the new privacy policy.

This shit matters starting March 1, 2012, and will replace the old shit. Please see our overview page for extra shit.

 

‘Sup!

Thanks for using our Services. We love it when you use our Services! In case you’re wondering, the magic happens at 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, CA 94043, United States.

Oh, hey, by the way, since you’re using out Services, you’ve already agreed to some rules. Which rules? These rules! So read them. We want you to know the rules, obviously, because if you break them, you’re fucked whether or not you’ve read them.

Our shit does practically everything. Seriously man, it’s really fucking incredible how much you can do with Google, and sometimes we have extra rules for our most powerful stuff. You can find those rules in those places. Follow the rules, or else don’t play with our toys — that seems straightforward, no?

 

Using our Services

Maybe, besides the rules, you’ll get a popup or a notice to do something or to knock something off.

Just do-slash-stop-doing the thing we tell you to do-slash-not-do.

Obviously, don’t dick around with our stuff. We didn’t spend a million hours making the Gmail interface silky smooth or writing our instructions at the second grade level so you could ignore them and do shit your own way. And don’t do anything illegal with our Services, especially downloading information you’re not supposed to download or sending things places you’re not supposed to send them. If we have to come over there, we will cut you off until we get to the bottom of your shenanigans, so let’s just avoid any trouble and all play nice, k?

You don’t get any intellectual property rights or anything just for using our Services. Maybe you figured out a really sweet way to use Maps — good work! We love it when people figure shit out for themselves. But don’t go trying to patent your little Maps trick. “Well, we didn’t plan that, but since some asshole discovered it, I guess we have to start paying him now, right?” HAHAHANO. No.

Also, you can’t just search for shit and use it without checking if it has an owner first. This shit happens all the time, someone is like, “I need a picture of a banana!” and they just take the first Image Search of a banana. But dude, if it’s the very first banana pic that means it’s a damn good-looking banana picture, and maybe some up-and-coming banana photographer took it and is selling it, and you just stole that goddamn banana from him. Dick. Don’t do that.

Also, we show our logo on your computer when you use our services. Permission to display it in your email account, which we also let you use, is not permission to display it in Jollyfuckland, Wherever. It’s just a friendly reminder that we’re fucking great and you’re welcome. Also, sometimes we give you legal notices. Pay attention, since Adblocking that reminder about “don’t steal shit” doesn’t make stealing shit okay.

We’re a search engine, which means sometimes we show things that we didn’t make. We’d be a piss-poor search engine if we only displayed our own content, right? But look, if we didn’t make it, it’s not our problem. Maybe we’ll check to see if something is illegal, or maybe it breaks a rule or something, but more than likely we haven’t looked at all. So if you find something you don’t like, as happens on the Internet from time to time, don’t assume we looked at it and went, “Looks good to me.”

Sometimes we’ll tell you things about the things you’re using. Sometimes, you can ask us not to bother you with those things. Other times, you can’t. That… yeah, that’s it.

 

Your Google Account

Obviously, you might have to sign up with us to use some of our stuff. You can’t get email without an email address, except maybe with a series of secret couriers and perhaps the assistance of a medium-sized but reasonably well-funded military junta. Since we can’t (or won’t, whatever) provide you with those, maybe just sign up for an account, huh? Sometimes you won’t even have to do that much work, and your boss will just give you an account for you to use. I mean, the price of that convenience is that you give up complete and ultimate control over your shit, but, you know, pros and cons. Just check with your guy to see what he can do.

If you see any shady use of your password or account, follow these instructions.

 

Privacy and Copyright Protection

That other thing you just read, the long one on top? It tells you what we’ll do with all the things you have to tell us. I mean, you don’t have to tell us anything, but then you can’t use our stuff, which, I think we can all agree, is super useful stuff. And if you use it, we’re going to do some stuff with your info. What stuff? The stuff we described earlier. Jesus, you’re making this harder than it needs to be.

There’s a law, the U.S. Digital Millennium Copyright Act, and we follow that law, because we have to follow that law, because that’s what a law is. So if you’re doing things that break that law, we’re going to stop you from doing those things. What things? Who knows? Piracy, IP theft, we’re not the criminals here, we can’t think of everything.

We know that our services let you do, like, everything there is to do — no, no, hold your applause — because that means some people use them to steal shit online. Fuckin’ pirates, man, amirite? So listen, if you think someone is pirating your shit or using it without your say-so — maybe some asshole took your banana picture off Images. We tried to warn him. But let us know here, and we’ll figure it out.

 

Your Content in our Services

Obviously you can use some of our Services to create or host some of your stuff. That’s cool, we’re not trying to take your stuff. We’ve got our stuff, which is clearly way more awesome than anything you could have made.

Yeah! Yeah, technically it’s still yours, even though we get to do preeeeetty much whatever we want with it. I mean, don’t worry, technically you’re only letting us use your stuff so we can make it possible to use our stuff, or else make new stuff. You know, we get to put your emails on computers where you try to access them, duh. And we’ll store your Docs on our servers, no shit. But let’s say we decide to get into screenwriting as a, uh, “Service.” And maybe we’ll adapt that one breakup email you sent into a Broadway Musical, and we’ll get fucking Chad Kroeger to do the music if we want. And sure, we make you look like the bad guy in what was originally a fundamentally human and complicated situation, and everyone you’ll ever try to talk to will think you’re a dick, but hey — you’re going to be a star! You’re welcome.

Oh, dude, terrified that that’ll happen? Well don’t just stop using our Services, that doesn’t get rid of the license you grant us. Instead, sometimes we let you remove the content you’ve already given us. Do that. Or maybe there’s a setting — a little “Don’t use for Broadway Play” box you can check to make sure we don’t do anything like that. The point is making sure you’re paying attention so we avoid confusion.

Just make sure you read the privacy policy and the extra rules and shit. If you have an idea, please tell us about it. If you tell us your idea, we can use it for free, and we fucking love getting free ideas. Dude, you should see how much we pay our programmers to come up with ideas — we’ll take all the “free” we can get.

 

About Software in our Service

Some of our services come with software you have to install, because they’re just that fucking powerful. Hangouts let you casually chat with your bros anywhere in the world, and yeah, you have to install a little something to get that to run, sorry we’re not sorry. Don’t worry though, once it’s on there, we’ll go ahead and update it for you — you don’t have to worry about a thing. Or you can update manually, that’s less work for us, and we’re on board with that.

For all the permission you give us, it’s not so bad! You get to use our Services! And I think we can all agree, you’re the real winner here. You don’t even have to pay us or anything, and you can use them anywhere in the world you want. Obviously, you can only use the Services the way we want you to; you don’t get to do any of the cool stuff we can do with your content, like write plays or sell them or whatever. And don’t try to reverse-engineer our stuff, if we wanted you to know how it worked we’d just fucking tell you.

In fact, that’s why we do so much open-source stuff. And if we give you stuff as open-source, obviously the open-source rules apply instead — it wouldn’t be fair if we were like, “This is open source! But don’t look at the code, asshole.” We’re dicks, but we’re sensible dicks.

 

Modifying and Terminating our Services

We’re constantly working on this shit, and we can add or remove whatever we what, whenever we want. Hell, maybe we’ll get rid of something altogether. Remember Wave? Yeah, us neither.
And it’s not like you have to keep using Google, but why in God’s name would you stop? Shit’s awesome. Also, we don’t have to get rid of an entire service to stop just you from using it, or to kick you off the Services entirely — we’ve got a banhammer and we’re not afraid to use it.

Look, sometimes things don’t work out between us and a thing we tried, and you used it for a while but meh. If we’re going to shut something down, we’ll let you know so you can get everything you put in back out. We don’t want you losing proof that the combination dry-cleaner/taco stand was your idea first just because you had it during a Wave session.

 

Our Warranties and Disclaimers

We’re pretty fucking good at what we do — certainly good enough to do it professionally. So yeah, we try to make our shit right and you’re welcome, but we can’t make certain promises. Are you ready for the yelling part? Because here comes the yelling part.

LOOK IF WE PROMISE YOU ANYTHING WE MAKE SURE IT’S WRITTEN DOWN IN THESE TERMS OR THE TERMS THAT GO OTHER PLACES, SO YOU’RE NOT LIKE “OH SHIT DID GOOGLE PROMISE THAT OR NOT??” REAL SIMPLE, IF IT’S IN THE TERMS YOU’RE GOOD OTHERWISE I GOT NOTHING. ONCE YOU’RE INSIDE THE SERVICES, THAT’S ALL YOU MAN AND WE CAN’T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT STUPID EMAIL YOU SENT DRUNK LAST NIGHT, OR THAT YOU COULDN’T DELETE IT IN TIME, OR THAT THE SERVERS WERE DOWN WHEN YOU WENT TO SEND THAT APOLOGY EMAIL, SORRY BRO SHIT HAPPENS, AND YOU GET THE SERVICES “AS IS”, SHIT THAT HAPPENS AND ALL.

THERE ARE SOME PLACES IN THE WORLD WHERE WE HAVE TO MAKE CERTAIN PROMISES, LIKE THAT OUR SHIT WORKS ON A PARTICULAR WAY. FINE, WHATEVER, SO HERE’S THE DEAL: FOR EVERY PROMISE WE DON’T HAVE TO MAKE, WE DON’T MAKE THAT PROMISE.

 

Liability for our Services

YEAH LOOK, IF YOU LOSE MONEY BY USING GOOGLE, YOU OBVIOUSLY FUCKED UP SOMEWHERE AND THAT’S NOT OUR PROBLEM OR THE PROBLEM OF ANYONE WE’RE REALLY ASSOCIATED WITH, EXCEPT YOU. SAME THING FOR DATA SO BACK YOUR SHIT UP. AND IF YOU DON’T GET THE MONEY YOU LOST OUT OF US, YOU SURE AS FUCK CAN’T GET ANY EXTRA SO DON’T EVEN TRY.

BUT IF SOMECRAZYHOW YOU DO MANAGE TO SUE US (THANKS, OBAMA) WE WON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING MORE THAN WHAT YOU PAID US ORIGINALLY, AND IF WE CAN JUST DO THE THING YOU PAID US TO DO, WE’LL DO THAT INSTEAD. IF NO ONE COULD HAVE SEEN THE PROBLEM COMING THEN WE’RE NOT PAYING FOR IT LIKE IF AN ASTEROID TAKES OUT OUR SERVERS FUCK MAN WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED AN ASTEROID WAS COMING NOT US GOOGLE ASTEROIDS IS STILL IN BETA SO YOU CAN’T EXPECT US TO PAY FOR THAT, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE WON’T PAY FOR IT. SO IF YOU DO EXPECT THAT, ALSO EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT.

 

Business uses of our Services

Maybe you’re sending out emails as a business or something, because businesses are people but not the kind of people who can check their own email — that’s fine, but they are the kind of people who can agree to these terms, so the business totally does that. And if the business fucks something up or something and some guy sues them for accidentally mailing out personal secrets, the business better cover our ass, because we’re sure as fuck not getting sued because you fucked up, dude Gmail is the easiest fucking thing in the world to use, how did you fuck up? Also, even if you didn’t fuck up you have to cover our asses.

 

About these Terms

Obviously, sometimes we might have to change these. Maybe the law changes, maybe we come out with a new thing with some extra rules, maybe because fuck you we want to change them, who’s asking? So, you know, check in every once in a while, huh? We’ll let you know on this page when changes get made, and if there’s a massive overhaul or whatever, then we’ll let you know all over the place. Plus when we make changes, we’ll give you like two weeks to double-check everything, unless there’s a new law or a new thing that we need covered immediately, in which case, obviously, you know what immediately means. If we make a rule you don’t like, just stop using the thing that rule governs. That’s simple.

We have more rules for some of our other services, and if those rules say something other than what’s in this general, blanket policy, obviously go with those rules. It wouldn’t make sense to have extra rules if these rules override everything, would it?

Also, this is an agreement between you and Google, not between you and Google and your favorite nephew you’ve decided to leave everything to spite the family. We have our own deal with him. Nice kid. He’ll go far.

We’ve got a lot of people using our Services, and since people are dicks we’ve got a lot of dicks to deal with. So if we don’t nab you right away, that doesn’t mean we can’t or won’t nab you eventually. So when we shut your shit down, don’t be all, “But Google, you let me commit mail fraud with Gmail for six months, what changed?!”

If for some reason we’ve got something in here that we can’t make stick in court, it doesn’t affect the rest of the terms —just that one thing doesn’t stick, is all. The rest of it… watch it, kid.

We’re all over the world, bro, and we can’t be trying to keep up with all the laws everywhere all the time. That shit’s just unreasonable. So if there’s a problem, we’re going to play by the California rules. If you’ve got an issue with something in these terms or whatever, we get home-field advantage, so welcome to Santa Clara motherfucker. Bring yo’ A-game, our lawyers go yard in these courts.

Yeah, I think that’s it! Let us know if you need to get in touch with us.

Now read our Straight Talk Edition of Google’s new privacy policy.

  • sharon

    Awesome, thanks for re-writing it.  There’s no way I was going to slog through the real thing.  I’m baffled as to why the bro-speak terms of service y’all do aren’t being featured more widely.  NPR should be interviewing you.

  • Tyke102

    A brilliant bit of work..well done. Near perfect grammar and punctuation and very, very funnny!

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