I’ve illustrated the classic 4chan copypasta story “Ms. Depew”. Here it is, original typos preserved.
Story time /b/. My hot advisor found out I like her. Pic related.
Now that I’ve got your attention, it’s time to disappoint you: No, I do not sleep with her. No, I don’t even make a sly attempt. If you’re still interested, read on.
Okay so at my school we have faculty advisers that are assigned to students according to their last names. The faculty advisers help students with scheduling conflicts, general questions, help with internships/employment, etc. My adviser is named Jess Depew and as you can see she’s pretty hot. The picture doesn’t really do her justice but they’re all I’ve got at the moment. She’s like 25 and she’s only been at the school a few years.
Anyway, I have been looking into getting an internship at a TV station or something over the summer, and the school helps coordinate these things with an internship database that’s maintained by the advisers. You log on with your school ID and password and you can browse internships and stuff. I was having trouble logging on to mine so I went to go see Ms. Depew. That’s where all the trouble started.
Firstly, I walked into office like 15 minutes early like an idiot and she’s in the middle of lunch. So I awkwardly make stupid stall talk until she’s finished.
“Oh, hey, what are you eating?”
“Salmon. I love it. I eat it practically everyday.”
“Just salmon? That’s pretty weird.” Why the hell did I say this?
“Oh, well, I don’t know. I try to eat healthy, natural foods…you know, like wild berries and honey and stuff.”
“Yeah, I like food too.” *facepalm*
Man, I was so nervous. Anyway, we finally begin squaring my stuff away.
She looks up what I registered with in the beginning of the year. This is when the crap really hit the fan. This is how the conversation went:
“Okay, you’re account name is [my name] and your password is …’depewissexy’…”
Oh damn. I completely forgot that I put that as my password in the beginning of the year. What the hell was I thinking? It was probably the longest 20 seconds of my life before I finally got my balls together to stand up and leave. Just as I walk out the door she says,
“In the future, you might want to bear in mind what kind of things you want keep to yourself.”
I was so freaking embarrassed I wanted to kill myself right then and there. I wanted to run the hell out of there and never, ever see her again. But something about what she just said kept me standing in her doorway. I decided to man up and apologize. I turned to her, looked her straight in the eyes, and swallowed my pride. And then, it hit me like a train full of bricks.
She was eating Salmon.
She tries to eat all healthy, natural foods, like wild berries and honey.
She told me that I might want to bear in mind what kind of things I want to keep to myself.
Ms. Depew was a bear disguised as a human.
Immediately, the bear saw that I had seen through its charade. It roared loudly and took a menacing swipe at me. I deftly avoided its claw and sprinted out of the office.
The bear was soon in chase, crashing through the walls of the office as if they were made of paper. I jumped over the receptionist desk and ran out the back entrance. The bear followed, tossing the secretary aside like a rag doll.
The bear began to pursue me through the street traffic. While I fought my way through the maze of vehicles, the bear simply careened its massive force through anything standing in its way. Cars veered off the road to escape the onslaught of grizzly force that was barreling down the road. The bear was gaining fast.
I had no other option but to make my way into the nearest building: a preschool. I burst through the door, startling the children from their naps. Immediately, the bear slammed through the wall, crushing a child beneath his massive paws and burying several other children in sheet rock and debris.
I maneuvered my way through the chaos towards the back exit. The pre-schoolers were little more than a screaming annoyance for the bear. Its massive paws cut swaths through the sea of toddlers with each swipe. I used the precious time these children had afforded for me to make my escape into the playground.
I scrambled up a ladder to a fort-like structure. My goal was to walk across the monkey bars then jump to a tree which I could climb to the roof of the preschool and perhaps flag down a passing helicopter. I began my trek across the monkey bars just as the bear charged outside, its teeth and claws still fresh with the blood of the innocent. It let out a monstrous roar and began its assault on the cheap, wooden playset.
I let go of all caution and ran to end the end of the monkey bars. I leaped for the tree branch just as the bear’s enormous girth came plowing through the entire structure. I grasped the branch tightly as the bear collided with the tree, sending it into a daze. I saw this as my one opportunity not for escape, but for victory. I leapt off the tree onto the ground and grabbed a stray bar that had been shorn from the playset. The bear was slowly coming to so I had to act fast.
I ran to the beast and thrust the jagged end of the pole into its jaw and through it’s skull. The bear had been defeated. I shambled home in pain but victorious.
There will be more threads and more bears in the months to come. But today, I returned home a champion.