I just spent a week living in a house on the Connecticut shore — a mansion, a kingdom by the sea, if you will — and during my time there I played the song “Born to Die” approximately 156 times. …I was worried that the police would be called. Not because I was playing the song too loudly, but just because eventually the neighbors might have been like, “I’m worried that our neighbor died and set a song on ‘repeat’ right before dying.”
There is nothing in my history to explain this, Lana — and yes, I’m currently directly addressing Lana Del Rey with this essay. So, Ms. Del Rey, a.k.a. Lana Del Rey, a.k.a. Lizzie Grant; here’s the thing. …Okay, Lana — here’s the thing — I don’t care about music that much. The last time that I paid sustained attention to music was back in 1998 or so, when I was a Young Person.
But I’m paying attention to you, Lana. Because you’re so hot, and thus I want to slam you. …Lana? Lana? Lana. Lana! You’re in the Danger Zone. From Top Gun.
Here’s the thing about me and Lana Del Ray. I truly do want to slam her.¹ …And by “slam” I of course mean “have sex with,” not “criticize.” I have no interest in criticizing her. …OH GAWD, IS SHE REALLY ‘INDIE’? DID SHE HAVE HER LIPS DONE? …To these things I say, who the crap cares? God, the stupid things that people care about. How could I ever care about these things? I just want to bang her. So can I? Lana? Baby?
Yeah, she sucked on Saturday Night Live. She was stiff and awful and who the fuck picked out that dress that she was wearing? Girl, you can do better than that stiff white doily thingy. (And yes, in case Lana Del Ray doesn’t want to fuck me, I still have a backup plan in place. Comments like this will also make me an excellent faux-gay BFF for life.)
…I watched her SNL appearance the day after the show aired and it was terrible, yes. You know what I did then? I turned the song off after one minute and thirty seconds, so that I could stop watching something bad.² …So therefore, to this day, I have only listened to one full Lana Del Rey song. That’d be “Born to Die,” which I have listened to one million times. Here it is again BECAUSE YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO IT AGAIN:
Such a good song! Take a walk on the wild side, let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain, you like your girls in-saaaaane. Yes, yes, yes. I do like my girls insane, Lana. I like that so much, and thank you for noticing. And the lyric “kiss me hard” was originally supposed to be “fuck me hard,” which, you know what that means? It means that Lana Del Rey is a ba-aaad girl. A bad girl who likes having unpleasant outdoor sex, because unless it’s really warm out, having sex in the pouring rain sounds kind of brrr-ish. But whatever.
If I had a journal, or even better, a sticker book, it would be filled with stickers of kittens with google-y eyes, and then drawings of me and Lana Del Rey — holding hands on the beach, getting married in a little white chapel, eating a reasonably priced meal at an Italian restaurant.
She feels so alone on a Friday night, and so do I. You think I am being ironic and making jokes about Lana Del Rey, but I am not. At all. Fuck that noise. Sure, that’s not the most brilliant lyric ever, but it’s the truth, and what’s wrong with saying the truth sometimes? Plus, there’s the white fringed leather jacket in the video. Have I mentioned the white fringed leather jacket in the video? Along with the cut-off jeans? I see that I have not mentioned that yet. I have been remiss. OH MY GOD THE FRINGED JACKET. It makes her look like every girl who ever rejected me in high school, which makes the prospect/temptation of hate/revenge sex seem well-nigh… inevitable.
I love it when she calls me “honey” in the song, because yes, she is addressing me in the song. I love it when girls call me “honey”; it’s so diner-waitress-y and it makes me feel so solid and working-class. I also like it when dudes call me “chief,” for the same reason. Who doesn’t enjoy being called “chief”? No one, that’s who!
Anyway, where was I? …And god, Lana’s fake “boyfriend” in the video is awful. Plus he kills her by driving stoned, I guess, assuming that I’m following the plot of the video correctly, which is doubtful, because I’m staring at Lana’s ass the whole time when she’s in those cut-offs. Her boyfriend in the video combines every annoying trend in the history of the universe, which will be the key to my success when I finally meet Ms. Del Rey:
…Oliver walks into, oh, let’s say, Skybar. Lana Del Rey is sitting at the bar.
OLIVER: Hey there, Lana. I’m Oliver. And I don’t have incredibly annoying tribal stretchy things in my ears. And I do not continually walk around shirtless.
LANA: Oh jesus christ thank god.
OLIVER: So do you want to go shopping at the Gap and then have sex?
LANA: Yes please.
See? See what happened there? Boom. Done.
Look, I’m sorry that you’re so annoyed by Lana Del Rey. I’m sorry that the experience of having to hear about a singer that you don’t like for three whole weeks has been so… traumatic for you. And I’m sorry that you’re a whiny little bitch. Did that come out right? Yeah; I think that came out right; just wanted to make sure that I phrased that right and everything.
Anyway, I am sincerely sorry that you’re a whiny little bitch who can’t just ignore things that you dislike. But hey, the fact that so many you of hate Lana now just makes my path to slamming Lana all the easier. So h8 on, h8ters, h8 on — here’s the number “8″ again to help get you started. As for me, I was lost but now I’m found. I have found my true purpose in life. For Lana and me, we were born to slam.
1. My friend Nicole uses the term “slam” to mean “have sex with.” I have no idea if anyone else in the entire world does this, but Nicole is really hot, so it works when she does it. For example: “...He’s slam-worthy” or whatever. Anyway, I’m just adding this footnote in case no one else fucking says “slam” to mean “sex.” I have no idea. Nicole has also invented the quite excellent term “MO/RA” — “make out/roll around” — as well as the darker term “MO/PA”: “make out/pass out.” Sadly, Nicole has a boyfriend, otherwise I would totes try to MO/RA with her.
2. You guys are aware that you can do this, right? It’s allowed and everything.