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I fixed classic nursery rhymes to be more realistic. But that made them all hella tragic.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men were like, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING.”

Little Bo Peep lost her sheep and can’t tell where to find them but it’s like who loses and entire flock of sheep.


Simple Simon met a pieman, going to a fair; Says Simon to the pieman, “Let me taste your ware.” The pieman said, “Did you mean wiener?” The pieman was a pedophile.


Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after. Jack and Jill are fuckin’ dead.


Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub with a variety of useless items. Also, 3 men are bathing together.


Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle. The cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such a sport, and the dish ran away with the spoon! That’s when we sobered up and realized that we were just staring at a pile of socks. Stay off drugs, kids!


Rain rain go away, come again another day, Little Johnny wants to play AND LITTLE JOHHNY ALWAYS GETS WHAT HE WANTS.


Three little children, lyin’ in bed; Two were sick and the other ‘most dead. Sent for the doctor and the doctor said, “Give those children some short’nin’ bread!” But the correct medicine was Penicillin. Everyone died.


There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do so TLC signed her on for a 6-season reality show where she exploited her children and was later charged with child abuse for whipping them soundly before sending them to bed.


Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, had a wife but could not keep her! He put her in a pumpkin shell and she’s been missing for like 800 years. Any information you have regarding Mr. Eater, please contact police immediately.


This Little Piggy went to the market. This Little Piggy stayed home. This Little Piggy stayed home too. This Little Piggy also stayed home. In fact, all of the Little Piggies stayed home except for that one that went to the market.


Do you know The Muffin Man, The Muffin Man, The Muffin Man? Anyone? Anyone at all? Over on Drury Lane? Anyone?


Little Jack Horner, sat in a corner, eating a mincemeat pie. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum, and said, “Momma, am I retarded?”


Rock a bye baby on a treetop. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall, and someone will have a lot of explaining to do.

  • corey

    none of these were funny

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