Drunk Harry Potter

“I can honestly say I never drank at work on ‘Harry Potter.’ I went into work still drunk, but I never drank at work. I can point to many scenes where I’m just gone. Dead behind the eyes,” Daniel Radcliffe recently admitted in an interview. But which scenes? We bring you an investigative report.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“You’re a Parselmouth? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I’m a what?”

“You can talk to snakes!”

“Course I talk to snakes. Fucking of course. I’ll talk to a snake anytime. Morning time. Dinner time. Always talking to snakes. Know why I didn’t tell you? None of your fucking business is why I never. None of your business, Herminone. Herrrrrrrman. Hermes.”

“I didn’t—”


“But if—”

“Bring me a snake right now. I’ll talk to it. I don’t care. Some of my best friends, snakes. I don’t even care.”

“It’s not a very common gift, Harry. This is bad.”

“I don’t…I don’t even care. [muffled crying] I love snakes. I love them.”

“What…what did you say to it before it attacked Justin?”

“I love them.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“What are you doing with this map, boy? Give it to me! Reveal your secrets. Read it.”

“You Jewish, Professor?”

“Am I what, you disgusting boy?”

“S’just a question. Just asking a question, if you’re Jewish. It’s a free country to ask if you’re Jewish is all.”

“How dare you say such things to me?”

“Because, to me, and this is just an opinion. Just my opinion. That you look Jewish. To me.”

“Another word from your impertinent mouth, Potter, and I can personally guarantee that your regret will be immediate and painful.”

“It’s not just your nose, I mean. That’s not the point. Heh. I mean. I’m not being — it’s not racist, to ask a question. I don’t mind if you’re Jewish. I’m Jewish myself, as it happens. Well, not really, but I could be. You wouldn’t know, would you? I mean, how would you describe your penis, for one thing.”

“In all my years as a teacher in this school, I – “

“Foreskin-y? Or not so much? That’s what I mean. You know. Jewish.”


Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, Harry, Cedric is dead, he’s dead, he’s fucking dead!”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I saw him thirty minutes ago and he was fine. Just needs to sleep it off. He’s fine. See? He’s fine.”

“He’s not breathing, Harry — Jesus God, he’s not breathing. Cedric? Ced? Can you hear me, honey? Open your eyes, Ced. Look at me.”

“Ron, he’s fine. He’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Come back to the party.”

“You’re insane, do you know that? You’re insane. We need Hermione — we need a doctor — we need McGonagall — somebody.”

“Oh wow. He’s really bad, isn’t he? He’s really bad. Ron, we can’t be here.”

“Somebody, can somebody please call for a doctor? Please? He’s not waking up!”

“Ron, we have to go. I’m — I’m on probation as it is. I can’t be here right now.”

“I’m not leaving him.”

“Look, Ron, Cedric was a great guy. Great guy. No one’s arguing that. And it’s sad. It really is. But it was bound to happen sooner or later. You remember what happened at Cho Chang’s birthday party? He never knew when to say enough. This is how he would have wanted to go, with his friends around, having a good time. And we cannot be here when they find him, because it will be our heads. He’s already gone.”

“I just can’t believe it. I can’t, I can’t believe it.”

“Let’s go. C’mon, I’ll get you a drink. You’ll feel better. Let’s get that drink.”


Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“So…half-Jewish, then?”


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“You were right. When you told Professor Snape that wand was failing you. It will always fail you.”

“I killed Snape.”

“But what if that wand never belonged to Snape? What if its allegiance was always to someone else? Am I in this shot?”


“Sorry, am I in this shot? I feel like the camera – I feel like I’m out of frame. Am I in the frame?”


“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Okay. I’m sorry. I can do it again. I’m ready.”

“I killed Snape.”

“Oh my God, do you know, I just put this together, but you were in The English Patient, weren’t you? You were, weren’t you? It’s so hard to tell without the nose, but the way your eyes looked just then, I totally remembered. You were the guy! That was a really long movie. Wasn’t it? It was longer than this one, wasn’t it? God, that movie was long.”

“I think — if everyone else is ready, we should run the scene again. Would you like to run the scene again? If you’re ready?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I fuck it up again? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. No, I am. I’m always fucking it up. I fucked it up, didn’t I? Christ, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“It’s not a problem, Danny, we can always start again.”

“I don’t think I can. I really don’t think I can. [muffled crying] You’re so nice to me. You’re all so nice to me. I love you guys, I really do. You’re all…you’re all like my snakes. Do you know what I mean? I love snakes. I love them.”

  • Micky

    Ahh, choking! This is great.

  • sevanetta

    BRILLIANT. Awesome. Thank you. Since Daniel is being such a party pooper and won’t actually point out the scenes!

  • Anonymous

    I love you.

  • Witness Schwartz

    Order of the Phoenix?

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