Slacktory

A few months ago, I posted to my personal Tumblr a disturbing video of a person in a Minnie Mouse costume. I added commentary, the post got added to the featured #LOL posts, and it got popular. Which was, it turned out, bittersweet.

See, when you use Tumblr, you get a feed of every time someone liked or reblogged one of your posts. For a good two weeks, that post was getting reblogged by the greater Tumblr community. And you know who comprises that greater Tumblr community? Teenagers.

If you’re over 25, it’s easy to forget that teenagers are all over Tumblr. Teenagers (and I’m totally generalizing unfairly here) use templates that make their blogs look like a big wall of photos (fuck you, caption text!), or they set eye-melting animated-fucking-GIFs as their backgrounds, or they write their bios in the format of “[First name], [age], [synonym for crazy], [some kind of emoticon].” We get it. You’re crazy and you’re on the internet. This is your MySpace, post-MySpace. Have a blast.

The thing is, these teenagers have the craziest usernames. They’re the type of usernames you’d create if you never wanted to share your blog with your parents. Usernames boring-ass adults like myself could never use, because I’d have to say them out loud to my friends and coworkers.

And these usernames flooded my Tumblr feed as hundreds of people shared that video post. “So-and-so liked your post”, “other-person reblogged your post”. For around two weeks, every time I logged into Tumblr I saw a couple dozen new, crazy usernames from teenagers who don’t give a fuck. I started listing my favorite ridiculous usernames (and in some cases, times when one crazy username reblogged another) in a text file.

Here is the list:

Ridiculous, right? N words, genital references. Diary of the Mad Black Anne Frank. Holy hell. And just in case you’re thinking, “Maybe these are just the names of secondary Tumblrs that normal people made. Anyone can make a Tumblr with a wacky name but keep their own tamer, inoffensive username!” Then I have news for you: that’s not how Tumblr works. You like things as yourself, the primary username that you chose when you created an account. I could register horseboners.tumblr.com as a secondary blog but no one would ever read “horseboners liked this post.” That’s how I know these usernames are real.

If you know one of these bloggers, and they’re not a teenager, please don’t tell me. I don’t want to imagine any of these people as an adult.

  • http://twitter.com/hellolittlefish Olivia Gulin

    My personal favorites:

    dumbjabronimotherfucker
    tightestbutthole
    out-gayed-myself

  • Lol

    drinkbleachmynigga is not a teenager he’s a grown black dude

  • Mcygan

    :`) I just shed a proud tear for Aliensfucking. I’m following them already on tumblr.

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