“I give you a five minute window. I don’t sit in while you’re running it down, I don’t help you kidnap the dogs, I don’t carry a gun… I drive. ” Ryan Gosling explains to the dognappers while maintaining a meaningful facial expression. Ryan Gosling’s modified super car idles outside of a luxurious Beverly Hills mansion. The dognappers don Sarah Jessica Parker masks and exit the car.
Ryan Gosling waits intensely.
One of the thugs returns to the car, tossing a pink handbag in the back seat. “Come on, come on!” Inside the house we hear crashing and yipping. “Come on… I’m going back in for him!” to which Ryan Gosling replies, “You got two minutes.” The thug jumps out of the car and runs back into the house.
Ryan Gosling hears more yipping and distant sounds of police sirens. The time limit is almost up, and the police are rounding the corner. The dognappers are nowhere in sight. Ryan Gosling floors it! Cool 80s music starts to play!!
Ryan Gosling calmly weaves in and out of the LA traffic while remaining virtually invisible to the police helicopter’s search lights. He’s able to pull it off because of his enchanted fingerless driving gloves and magic scorpion jacket.
Suddenly the voice of Drew Barrymore speaks from the back seat, “Hello? What’s going on? Are you my chauffeur? Ew, why am I in a Chevy Impala? I am a chihuahua!” Ryan Gosling swerves the car, exclaiming, “Holy shit a talking dog!”
“My NAME is Chloe! I was just sleeping in my solid gold dog bed when some men in horse masks stuffed me in a handbag.”
“They were dognappers. Don’t worry, they weren’t planning on hurting you. They were just going to sell you back to your owner for a ransom.”
Chloe jumps up into the cup holder, and yips up at Ryan Gosling.
“I saw them chasing after my dog husband Papi!”
“Don’t worry about it. Papi will be safe as long as your owner pays the ransom.”
“No, you don’t understand, Papi belongs to my owner’s gardener! He won’t be able to pay for Papi’s ransom!”
“Hmm… Then, yeah, they’re definitely going to kill him when they find out.”
“Please!” Chloe puts her paw on Ryan Gosling’s elbow. “You have to save mi corazón!”
Ryan Gosling hesitates. “They’re taking him to their hide out in Mexico, we just might be able to reach them in time… Sigh… There are 3,000 dogs in this city. I had to fall in love with the wrong one.”
Ryan Gosling puts his fingerless-gloved hand on the stick shift and cranks it into 8th gear like a badass, flames shoot out the back of the car and it explodes down the Santa Monica freeway. College’s “A Real Hero” begins to play on the radio, as they rocket through the iconic cityscape. Chloe lets her tongue flap out the window. Ryan Gosling thinks about Real Dolls.
They blast through the Mexican border, Ryan Gosling doesn’t even stop but he tosses some toothpicks in the toll collection tray. The Chevy Impala is going so fast now it creates an awesome sonic boom. Chloe is having trouble standing in the car because she is a dog. Suddenly they arrive at the Tombraider-like ruins of an Aztec temple.
They bark the car at the foot of the Aztec ruins. Chloe hops out the window, and yips, “Papi’s in here! This temple is sacred to my people. Or rather, it’s sacred to my dawgs.” Ryan Gosling replies, “Cool.”
Suddenly, a mysterious voice announces, “Ay hombre, only Chihuahua natives may enter these grounds.” It’s one of those weird long haired chihuahuas, with the big auburn ears that make it look like a Time Lord.
“Please, you must allow my friend to come with me. He’s a real human being. And a real hero!”
“Ay yi yi, pico de gallo! Alright, your friend may enter, but first he must endure our initiation ceremony. FIESTA!”
The native chihuahua snaps his fingers some how and suddenly hundreds of chihuahuas begin dancing behind him in an elaborate formation. They look uncanny and CGI and weird. They spiral around in circles and shake their hips and make vague Spanish noises like “ay ay ay” and “arriba arriba!”
The bit goes on for what feels like forever. Ryan Gosling feels embarrassed to even be there. He feels embarrassed that someone somewhere thought he was the target audience for this kind of thing. Then he begins to lose focus on the dancing dogs and starts pondering who the target audience for this even IS. He’s drawing a blank, and he suddenly becomes mystified with the idea of marketing and story telling in general and he enters sort of a trance. When he comes to, the awful ceremony is over and all of the dancing dogs are dead.
Chloe mutters, “El pecado se paga con la muerte… Come on, lets go save Papi.” Ryan Gosling lowers Chloe’s pink purse, she jumps inside, and he clutches it masculinely and runs up the temple stairs.
They reach the top and see an elaborately carved stone back side of a giant throne. Ryan Gosling notices blood at his feet. He looks down and sees two dead bodies in Sarah Jessica Parker masks. Suddenly, the throne swivels around like an office chair. Sitting in the throne is a little brown chihuahua.
Ryan Gosling makes an acting face and spits, “P-… Papi!?”
Papi speaks like George Lopez, “Si, it is I, Papi.”
Ryan Gossling looks confused and turns to Chloe.
“Chloe, what’s going on!”
“I’m sorry, Ryan Gosling, but it was the only way for me to escape my slavery. You know how a genie gave you the ability to talk to dogs shortly before you took this job? Remember, you told me about it on the drive down here? During the montage?”
“Well, I actually planted that magic lamp in your glove box knowing that you would wish for the power to talk to dogs and that this power would help you understand my plight. Being a Beverly Hills Chihuahua is basically like being a slave. This diamond collar is a metaphorical noose around my shivering neck. There is nowhere in America where dogs can live as free agents. So we needed your cooperation to extort money from my wealthy owner so that we could support ourselves and start a new life in Mexico.”
“But… But I love you!”
“And I’ve always loved you too, Ryan Gosling, like a brother, but you know mi corazón has always belonged to Papi. I’m sorry we used you, but the kidnapping needed to look believable. The genie’s spell will wear off soon, you will lose your ability to speak dog. It’s time we parted ways. I’m so sorry.”
“I’ll write you! Every day for a year if you want. 365 letters.”
“No don’t do that. I cannot read. I am a dog. Bark bark this is goodbye, Ryan Gosling, bark bark bark, goodbye, bark bark bark.”