Slacktory

Birthday candles

Stop with the boring “Happy Birthday!” messages on Facebook. Next time, add some flair.

  1. Happy one-year anniversary of the only post I made on your wall last year!
  2. I’m only writing this because I know you’ll check to see if I wished you a happy birthday the next time I ask you for a favor!
  3. Hope your birthday rivals Jesus’ because I know how much you love attention!
  4. Good luck beating the rape charges!

  1. So excited to measure your popularity and overall value as a person based on how many birthday wish comments you receive! (Hope things have improved since last year.)
  2. Your profile picture is so saturated and hipstamatic’d to within an inch of its life, I’d swear you’d turned another year younger! And that it were 1977!
  3. Just wanted to show how much you mean to me by exerting minimal effort to express basic human pleasantries!
  4. I can’t believe something as gross as your parents having sex made something as normal as you!
  5. I don’t know you at all but we have a lot of mutual friends and I think I met you at a party once. Now I’m going to force an inside joke out of something trivial I recall from that night: Like, MCNUGGETS?! Hahahaha seriously! LOVE YOU, BITCH XXXOXOXOXO
  6. Four more years! Four more years!
  7. im purposefully leaving a comment devoid of capital letters and proper punctuation to show how little i care about you    hugs and kisses your passive aggressive frenemy
  8. It bums me out to see you marching ever closer to your inevitable demise! :(
  9. You’re one year closer to finally finding out the terrible truth your family has kept hidden all this time!
  10. After checking out the profiles of the other birthday well-wishers, I agree with what you were saying about most of your friends being ugly and boring! Gag! LOL!
  11. I hope you have the kind of day that inspires a terrible Black Eyed Peas song!
  12. Happy Free Dranks Day! (Looking forward to your Intervention Day coming up soon!)
  13. Sex with a minor just became that much more illegal!
  14. So weird that after this many years of experience, you still do almost everything wrong!
  15. If you were a witch, you definitely would have found out by now. Let that dream go!
  16. Time to stop acting the way you act!
  17. Great job passively being born all those years ago. You could have clawed and fought and beat your little baby fists to stay inside your mother, but instead you just said “whatever” and let the chips fall where they may. I really admire your commitment to zoning out and letting external forces take over. You haven’t changed a bit!

Photo CC Aih on Flickr

  • Prospère

    Love it!

  • Marie

    wtf #4?

  • Fonzy

    Sounds like pretty f*cked up childhood this person had

  • bob

    They are quite rude

  • Guest

    Shit’s not even funny. Try harder.

    • Guest

      By which I mean, stop trying so hard…

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