Slacktory

Wrestler John Cena

Why is bravado a particularly funny tone online? I think it’s for the same reason that April Fool’s Day doesn’t make sense on the internet the way it does in real life.

Some novelty accounts on Reddit don’t really change their schtick depending on what they reply to. They could just be a novelty Twitter. But WRESTLING_PROMO specifically pegs his insults and challenges to the contents of the parent comment.

Actually, that would make him a fantastic novelty Twitter.

He extends metaphors:

YOU TALK ABOUT NEEDING FOOD, WELL I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED, ARCON1337, WHAT YOU NEED IS A LITTLE TASTE OF WHAT THEY CALL HUMBLE PIE, OR MAYBE SOME CROW. YOU WON’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT BEING HUNGRY AFTER TONIGHT. IT’S GOING TO BE A BANQUET AND THE MAIN COURSE IS GOING TO BE MY FIST IN YOUR MOUTH WITH ME DISHING UP PLENTY OF RAW PAIN FOR DESSERT. DON’T BOTHER WITH NO APPETIZER, YOU AIN’T GONNA BE HUNGRY AFTER I MAKE YOU EAT YOUR WORDS, MAN, NO WAY, NO HOW. THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO GO DOWN. I KNOW I CAN STOMACH IT, THE QUESTION IS, CAN YOU BROTHER? WE’RE GONNA FIND OUT.

He can save a mediocre thread in a mediocre post:

WELL YOU KNOW, NEHPETS96, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A NEW IDEA COMES ALONG. LIKE THE FIRST GUY THAT ADDED CHOCOLATE TO PEANUT BUTTER, OR THE PERSON WHO RUBBED INK ON PAPER. THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO COME OUT WHEN YOU MEET WITH MY PILE DRIVER TONIGHT, AN EXPLOSION OF NEW IDEAS THAT WILL LEAVE THE FANS WONDERING HOW THE WORLD EVER GOT ALONG WITHOUT IT. YOU’VE CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME MAN, YEAH, PUSHED ME TOO FAR. YOU TALKED ABOUT THE MOUNTAIN, SO NOW IT’S COMING TO YOU, MOHAMMED, AND ONCE YOU’RE STRANDED UP THERE, YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO COME DOWN FROM IT, EXCEPT FOR WHEN I BRING YOU DOWN TO THAT MAT. ONE TWO THREE, BROTHER, ONE TWO THREE. YEAH.

He really makes a lot of food metaphors.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE BELONGS IN A MUSEUM, MEGACONGOPP IS YOUR WRESTLING STYLE. I COME FROM THE NEW AGE, FRESH OFF THE PRESS LIKE A STACK OF FLAPJACKS, ONLY BUTTERED WITH YOUR SCREAMS AND DRENCHED IN THE SYRUP OF SWEET VICTORY OVER YOUR ANCIENT MOVES. I LIFT, I SQUAT, I PUSH, I PULL WHILE YOU SLIP AND FALL AND STUTTER AND DROOL. WHEN WE STEP IN THE RING ONLY ONE OF IS GOING TO BE THE CHAMP AND THE OTHER IS JUST LEFTOVER BREAKFAST. JUST A LITTLE FOOD FOR THOUGHT FROM THE MASTER CHEF OF PAIN. YEAH.

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