Slacktory

Marla #5 Title

We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but Marla was all we could afford. Also see her advice about datingfamilyhousehold hints and neighbors.

Thanks for all your questions from last time about cooking and food! After you read the answers, please ask Marla your questions about productivity.

Dear Marla,

Since the holidays are here, can you please suggest a good pair of pants with an elastic waist band? This problem happens every year…I can’t clear my plate, because I always pop my jeans.

Thanks!
Mary

 

dear mary,

Poppin ur pants at dinner is better than poppin’ ur cherry at dinner lol sorry 2 start this off with jokes already but sumtimes I just can’t help it anyways gurl I can totally relate. The holidays are the worst time for gettin fat unless we’re talkin about my fav holiday fat tuesday rofl sorry there I go again w/ jokes I guess I’m sorta on a roll today lol

Gurl ur gonna want to shop in the preggo section at walmart. Get yourself some nice big preggo pants u won’t even believe the elastic waistband on those mo fo’s (wish I could say the real word but I try to keep it PG13 on here for the kids n whatnot) You wont have to worry about poppin anything w/ pants like these and if you wanna make every1 laugh at breakfast you can say “leggo my eggo I’m preggo” lmao I’ll let u have that one but plz give me credit for my other jokes

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Marla,

Is it cool to put a pizza still in the delivery box in an oven to keep it warm?? I heard that it is safe, like putting tinfoil in the microwave?

Sincerely,
Pizza Man

 

dear pizza man,

Dont you think you should know the answer to this since you’re the pizza man n all lol jk you probs just asked me because you know pizza is my fav food. If someone was like ‘hey marla would you rather kill this dude or never eat pizza again’ let’s just say that dude would be the one never eating pizza again lol

Back to your question. If I know anything about pizza and flames n I think I do, then I’d say that nope you shouldn’t put pizza boxes in the oven. Pizza boxes r made of paper and last time I checked paper burns pretty easily but maybe u should double check w/ a fireman. Tinfoil in the microwave should be ok but I don’t know much about that stuff though maybe ask the Tinman rofl

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Marla,

I am an avid SF Giants fan. I want to support my team by wearing my Giants hat, but I have a black beard & bear a striking resemblance to Giants pitcher Brian Wilson. Every time I wear my hat, I can’t go more than 10 minutes without someone stopping me and saying, “Hey, you know who you look like?” I’ve had this beard longer than Brian Wilson has been around, and I’m not willing to sacrifice my Giants hat or my facial hair. What should I do?

Thanks,
5318008

 

dear 5318008,

hey dude this isn’t a question about food or cooking unless ur beard is edible lol but I wanted to give u some quick tips because I can totally relate. Every time I look in the mirror I always see Mila Kunis lol I think it’s my hair anyway my point is that I didn’t ask to look like Mila and it’s not my fault if I was born sexy like her. What I’m sayin’ is that you should just be you. If peeps are askin for autographs you should just pretend to be that dude. So far no one has asked me if I’m Mila Kunis but if they ever did I’d be like ‘yeah but we’re not havin sex bc I’m more than just looks’ (unless the dude is Bruce Willis or sumthin lol)

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

What are some great apple pie recipes?
Sincerely,
Pie Lover

 

dear pie lover,

Are you interested in just regular pie or are we talking about American Pie (lol) because I can help u with either but I know more about American Pies if u know what I mean.

My regular apple pie recipe:

• 4 cups of flour
• sum sticks of butter
• a bunch of apples
• tons of sugar like more than you even think u need

Bake in oven for 45 min at 450 degrees or you can probs microwave it for like 2 min

My American Pie recipe (the better recipe if u ask me lol):

• Sum goofy friends
• A pact
• One empty room
• Warm, sexy apple pie

I think you’ll know what to do. I hope this helps but remember, depending on which recipe you choose you may not want to share with family n friends

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

The more I eat food, the more it makes my clothes shrink. There’s no way my clothes are shrinking I mean I am the same shape I’ve been since Kindergarten (like a really fat pear shape) so, please tell me all about food’s magical powers.
Signed,
Big Big Fat Bones Jones

 

Dear big fatty bones,

Wow I’ve come a long way since kindergarten sorry to hear you’re still the same. I’m not a nutritionist but I don’t think food has magical powers unless ur talkin about Fruit-by-the-Foot bc how does all that candy fit in that tiny wrapper lol but most food is just plain old boring food sorry 2 say.

Maybe ur clothes are shrinkin for a different reason like do u have a little brother or sumthin maybe u are accidentally putting on his clothes lol sounds like a longshot I know but you’d be surprised at the mistakes ppl make. From ages 6 to 9 I used to visit my next-door neighbor every day after school because I thought he was my grandpa but turns out my grandpa lived in Michigan. Ohwell whats that saying oh ‘learn from ur mistakes’ so check out ur clothes and I’ll let you know if I think of any more food magic.

Love,
Marla xoxo

Dear Marla,

Why do my feet smell like chips?

Sincerely,
Spergers

 

dear spergs,

this is srsly so crazy because I have wondered the same exact thing lol I was actually lookin for an advice column to post this question but couldn’t find any and I couldn’t ask MYSELF lol because I don’t have the answer. Well I guess u won the grand prize bc u stumped me on my own column. Ive tried everything to figure out what it could be I mean I don’t stomp around on chips, I don’t use chip-scented soap and I don’t wear chips for shoes LMAO. If u come up w/ an answer plz let me know so I can solve this mystery

p.s. please don’t let word get out that I wasn’t able to answer one of my questions thx dude

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

I love to cook for friends all the time!! I used to cook for this one girl all the time, some really nice home cooked meals. She came back week after week but then for a gift she gave me a cookbook with tabs on all the recipes she wanted me to cook for her! Am I her chef now? Shouldn’t I be getting paid for these meals? What to do?

Sincerely,
The Cook

 

dear cook,

I can totally relate to this gurl bc this one time I followed my bf Jay to NY for a job. He was head of security at the mall like Paul Blart lol so I was livin the high life for a while but he dumped me for this gurl Kathy but me n him still banged behind her back. Anyway, when he broke up w/me I didn’t have any money or cookin skills n if it weren’t for my friend Melanie makin me dinner all the time I would have starved. I used to leave her grocery lists of things I liked bc how else would she know but then I found out Melanie was bangin Jay too. Anyway maybe this gurl you’re cookin for is goin through what I went through. Just keep cookin but make sure u stay away from her man lol

Love,
Marla xoxo

  • Evan Watkins

    Dear Marla, 

    I recently went on a trip to China (via books of course cos flying is really expensive), and have started to see dragons in my dreams. I know that when you go places (read books) the culture of these places (books) can infiltrate your subconscious and cause you to have strange dreams, but could it also be the all the Chinese food I’m eating?

    -American Dragon Jake Long- 

  • Rodekill134

    Dear Marla,

    I have a dilema. My boss is getting on my butt over spreadsheets. I put in resume that I know how to you Excel, but really I don’t. What should I do?

    -Arnold S.

  • Re: Productivity

    Dear Marla,

    I have a hard time focusing at work and was wondering if I should get on ADD meds. I don’t want to become dependent on them, and I also question their long term safety. Is it worth trading my physical health for mental health?

    Signed,

    Distracted in Delaware

  • Addicted to the Internet

    Dear Marla,

    My boss complains that I’m “spending too much time on Twitter & Facebook.” But I love Twitter & Facebook! How can I get my work done without staying away from social networking sites?

    Sincerely,
    Addicted to the Internet

  • Empirestrikes253

    Dear Marla,

    Why can’t I ever pay attention when I watch movies?

    Sincerely,
    That Person That Always Asks Questions During Movies

  • http://twitter.com/Australianimal Minty White

    Dear Marla, 

    My boss says i need to be more productive but my doctor says i need to take naps whenever and where ever i can so i sleep about 7.4 hrs a work day. Who should i listen to more? the wonderfully smart doctor or my stupid smelly boss who smells and eats cabbage all day and smells and what does she know about sleep and it’s importance?
    I’ll bet you are as smart as my super doctor and will side with him because you seem to be always wearing your smarty pants and you seem well rested. 

    Signed Three Toed Sloth

    P.S. Did i mention my boss smells? 

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