Google: Modest Mouse
You started out with the same humble origins as everyone else, but then right around 2004, something changed: you hit the big time. And don’t get me wrong, everyone is really happy for you. We’re just…we’re just not really sure if we can trust you anymore, you know? Power corrupts, after all. You’re still popular and probably will be for years to come, but that, quirky, offbeat cred you were capitalizing on for so many years? Yeah, it’s time to let go of that.
Facebook: Michael Jackson
Let’s get one thing straight right away: we love you. We always have, and we always will. We just don’t feel particularly good about ourselves for loving you. We used to, back when you were first starting out. You were innovative, talented, and a phenomenal way to procrastinate. But then you just kept changing and changing and changing to the point where we didn’t even recognize you anymore. And then that movie came out, and that certainly didn’t paint you in a good light, and there were all those out of court settlements and…ugh, it was just this whole big mess. We’re hooked on you at this point, so there’s not really anything you could do to chase us away, but sometimes it seems like you know that just a little too well.
Twitter: The Ramones
Forget long guitar solos; forget paragraphs worth of background information; and forget words that have more than five syllables. You’re all about simplicity. If it can’t be said in less than three minutes or 140 characters, then it’s probably not worth saying. A couple of people will claim that you’re destroying music or news or whatever, but the trendy ones won’t care. And the naysayers can always comfort themselves with a copy of The New Yorker or Dark Side of the Moon.
Yahoo!: Matchbox Twenty
Look, people like you. There’s no doubt about that. It’s just…well, to be honest, we just didn’t expect you to last this long. You were absolutely there for us in the 90s, and we’ll never forget that. And if we happen to forget about you for days or months at a time now, well, no hard feelings, right? Especially not at “3 AM” when you “must be lonely” lol. But seriously, we heard about this Adele concert on Google, so we’ve gotta go. Talk soon though.
Slacktory: Secondhand Pinups
What’s that? You’ve never heard of these guys? Exactly.
Photo from Antiquiet