I hope you’re ready to waste the next two hours by repeatedly refreshing the profile page of an acquaintance from college or distant relative! Are you absolutely positive that this is the path you want your life to take? There are so many other things you could do with that time, and it doesn’t have to be grand or ambitious. You don’t even have to go outside or anything. You could just rewatch Party Down or something. But if you’re truly determined, here are a few tips that may prove helpful:
9. Remember to compare your opponent’s God(s) to any one of the following: Santa Claus, elves, “sky fairies,” Hitler (when is a comparison to Hitler notnecessary?), the current leader of your least favorite political party, pedophiles, Satan.
8. Start googling Bible verses, regardless of their relevance to the discussion at hand. In the absence of an impartial judge, the person who is able to post the most links supporting their position wins. The loser will, as we all know, be required to convert to the winner’s religion of choice, no matter how embarrassing.
7. You know who everybody likes? Atheists, so don’t forget to mention the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Your friend probably hasn’t heard of it yet, and will almost certainly appreciate this gentle introduction to memetic humor. While you’re at it, why not direct them to 4chan? They’ll thank you later.
6. Alternately, inform your opponent that you are praying for them, even if they are perpetuating the war on Christmas that has now claimed the life of untold thousands. Let them know how sad you’d be if they insisted upon going to hell.
5. Has anyone brought up abortion yet? Why not throw it in the mix; see how that shakes out.
4. If anyone of a similar but not identical religion comes to your aid, tell them you’re grateful for their trouble, but that you two are definitely not on the same team. The Stone-Campbell Restoration Movement of 1832 can’t just be forgotten overnight, thanks all the same.
3. While we’re comparing, which religion treats women better, Christianity or Islam? Leave that one up as an open question and find what your friends think.
2. Remind your fellow combatant that it is because they live in a free country like America that they are able to openly blaspheme the One True God without fear of reprisal. And what makes America free? The One True God, that’s what. Check and etcetera. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.
1. It’s better to look mean than stupid, and those are your only choices on the internet. Making a good person feel stupid is a small price to pay for being right. You are a visionary, not an asshole.
Discussion question: What’s something everyone else is wrong about?
Photo from The Lost Idol via Ultimate Fitness Thailand