Slacktory

Troll Google logo

If you want to use the back entrance: Gooogle.com, Gogle.com, Foofle.com

Maybe things have gotten a little stale between you and Google lately. Maybe, late one night, you find yourself combing through back pages of your old LiveJournal in search of a former flame’s phone number (Why did you ever stop using Dogpile, anyway? Rachel’s right – you are too picky). Maybe you hear a cough over your shoulder and you turn your head, and it’s Google, wearing a shoulder-length blonde wig.

Maybe it’s time for a little role play.

“Call me Gogle,” says Google. “No, wait, that’s dumb. Call me Gooogle. Or, waitwaitwait, how about I’m a sexy French maid? Yeah, that one’s good. Bonjour, bonjour! Je m’appelle Foofle. Voulez-vous turn off safe search? ;)”

Spicy.

See also: Googl.com, Google.net, Googlee.com, Gppgle.com

 

If you want to ruminate on the impact a free iPad would have on your life: Goggle.com

Quite a few almost-Google permutations bring up webpages congratulating you because you have already won a fabulous prize. So irresponsible! This is like I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, only instead of ending up with a surprise real-life human being to raise, you have a surprise brand new iPad and you don’t even know what kind of cool stuff you might want to do with it.

Enter Goggle.com.

Goggle.com implores you to think long and hard about what your life would really be like were you to win a free iPad.

To aid your introspection, the site features an autoplay of one of sixteen homemade Youtube videos. While each video spotlights only a single star, the full series boasts a wild cast of characters, all of them plagued, Hamlet-like, with a gnawing internal conflict: What would they do if they won a free iPad from Goggle.com?

Barry, a bald Brit with ferocious eyebrows, would throw his laptop in the bin!

TJ, an excitable man with a loud, loud voice, would send SMS and MMS text messages!

Kristy, a lackadaisical brunette, would be all over the internet at her parents’ house because it gets a little boring AND they would be really excited to see this cutting edge electronic, so…!

The possibilities are infinite. (By the way, congratulations! You won.)

 

If you want to know how it feels to be the President: Googlle.com

Iran is building an Atomic Bomb. Should Israel attack Iran to stop this?

Whoa whoa whoa. You were just trying to get to Google, and one typo later, you’re being consulted on matters of international security. “Very Easy Lasagna Recipe for One” can wait – give this matter your full attention. When you’re ready to answer, Secretary of State Googlle provides three choices.

1. No

2. Yes

3. Don’t Know / Don’t Care

Hail to the chief.

 

If you want to view a single nude photo: Hoohlr.com

Sometimes you want to see a moderately tasteful photo of a nude woman standing before a high-backed wicker chair but the thought of clicking anything (anything!) totally kills your buzz. Not a problem: hoohlr.com delivers the goods — the goods, in this case, being a smooth naked lady delivering her goods. Just don’t get yourself all worked up and hankering for more; the image is completely static and there no links anywhere on the page.

No touching.

 

If you want to trip around Chinatown on LSD: Fiifle.com

Fiifle.com has it all. A very long page covered in Chinese text. A .gif of bouncing bikini-clad breasts also covered in Chinese text. Some flash animation of Chinese text. And this indecipherable cartoon of a nosy neighbor spying on a wild paper lantern hanging party, featuring Chinese text.

Scattered throughout the page are a selection of Arabic numerals, arranged in no discernable pattern.

What does it all mean? You tell me, Dan Brown.

Mystery.

 

If you want to see Prague: Hoohl.com

Oh, sorry, were you trying to get to Google to check the proper spelling of “necessary?” It’s one “c” only, dum-dum, and YOUR LIFE IS BORING! You need to hop aboard a magic carpet to the city of Prague, where you can try the most amazing tour with ideas for anything!

Hoohl.com (full title: Hoohl.com … Prague – Czech Republic – Try the most amazing tour with ideas for anything) opens on a black and white cartoon rendering of Prague Castle and the Charles Bridge enclosed within an elaborate—like really, really elaborate—floral border. Click one of the national flag icons across the top of the screen to visit a page offering real-life “panoramatic” photos of the scene. There are nineteen total (twenty would be more satisfying, but you can’t force art), each captioned in a language of your choosing: English, German, French, Italian, or Czech.

Beneath the photo list is a link to a brief history of the Charles Bridge. Read through it for a vague summary of the Charles’ checkered past, which includes “a lot of uncontrolled disasters, a lot of incidents – glorious and bad as well.”

It’s not clear whether this photo page and history lesson comprise the extent of the most amazing tour with ideas for anything mentioned in the website’s title, or if visitors are intended to book that independently, or, indeed, if that sentence is just a wholly unrelated command to try new things. But the ambition is there, as are not one but TWO “views to Old Town Square during the night.”

Most amazing.

Copyright © 2014 My Damn Channel, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Designed in collaboration with Wondersauce.

Google+