Enter in red leather tuxedo to orchestral medley of “Axel F” by Harold Faltermeyer and “Party All The Time.”
(Wait 10-20 minutes for standing ovation to die down.)
Digitally insert me—as The Klump family—into The Artist.
Subtitle: “Black and white just got blacker.” Rip farts. Silent but deadly!
Put Donkey from Shrek into footage from War Horse.
Donkey: Run into Nazi territory? Aw, hell naw! Do I look like a dumb horse? I’m a donkey, honky!
Fat Albert Nobbs
Bill Cosby will be PISSED. That alone makes it worth it.
The Help 2: Trading Places
“Where’s my grits, Emma Stone?”
I like to think of myself as a big star, but I now realize I’ve been out of the public eye too long. How do I know this? Earlier on the red carpet, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tried to adopt me! I look young for 50!
Now, a lot of people wondered why I stormed out of the Oscars after I didn’t win Best Supporting Actor for Dreamgirls.
But my explanation is a simple one: RuPaul needed a ride home!
Honestly, a lot has changed since Dreamgirls: Jennifer Hudson lost 60 pounds, Beyonce faked a pregnancy…and Oscar winner Jaime Foxx is billed beneath Jason Sudekis in Horrible Bosses.
Some critics said I lost because Norbit came out before the Oscars. But if that were true, would Sandra Bullock won for The Blind Side? Did y’all SEE All About Steve?
Truth be told, Hollywood is a very forgiving place. Look at Woody Allen, who married his adopted step-daughter and is now nominated for Midnight In Paris.
Wasn’t that the name of a sex tape? Me, I like my girls with a little boogie in the butt. I preferred Midnight In Kim Kardashian.
People are always asking me, when’s The Adventures Of Pluto Nash 2 gonna hit theatres? But I’m opting to star in another sequel instead: The Boy With The Drag Queen Tattoo.
Critics were concerned that I might degrade the dignity of The Oscars. Please! We’re talking about a year where The Help is nominated. It was a critically-acclaimed box-office hit based on a best-selling book—and the entire plot pivoted on Octavia Spencer. serving Ron Howard’s daughter a pie filled with poopie. Poopie!
Everyone in Hollywood LOVES George Clooney. That’s their one. George Clooney! George Clooney! But the only movies of his that make any money are the Ocean’s 11 movies. Personally, I liked the fourth one best, the one that starred me and was called Tower Heist.
I hope there aren’t any GAY PEOPLE watching. Am I right, Bret? I’m kidding! Heh, heh, heh!
Discussion question: If Eddie Murphy started appearing in humiliating commercials right now, would it technically be a step up?