And now the story of a political party determined to lose everything, and the one candidate who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It’s Arrested Republicans.
EXT. IOWA. A tall BORING MAN is leaning over the border, gazing out at the Midwest.
NARRATOR: This is Mitt Romney. For four years he’s been running for President, trying to follow in George Bush’s footsteps. And right now, he’s happy. And this is his fellow candidate. He isn’t happy.
Enter RICK SANTORUM.
SANTORUM: Look at me Mitt. Look at what the homosexuals have done to me.
MITT: You can’t just put on a clean pair of underpants?
Santorum rolls his eyes.
NARRATOR: This is Rick Santorum. Currently he’s upset because his political campaign is being upstaged by a Googlebomb from a gay protestor.
SANTORUM: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant, it just makes me want to amend the Constitution!
Enter MICHELE BACHMANN.
MICHELE: Good grief, Rick. Not all homosexuals are flamboy— Oh my god, I have the exact same blouse!
SANTORUM: I like it better on him.
NARRATOR: As a youthful act of defiance, Michele married this man.
INSERT: A photo of Marcus Bachmann.
NARRATOR (cont.): They moved to Minnesota, where they’ve become celebrated for their conservative legislation.
INT. CONGRESS. A banner in the background reads “SAY NO TO DEATH PANELS”. In front is Michele. A waiter offers her a tray of hors d’oeuvres.
MICHELE: Oh thank you, I could kill for these.
NARRATOR: Michele hasn’t voted in Congress in over a year. She hasn’t acknowledged this.
INT. SOMEWHERE ELSE
Mitt walks up to RON PAUL.
NARRATOR: And this is Ron, Mitt’s oldest competitor.
MITT: So! This is the anarchy club, huh?
RON: Libertarian, Mitt! Anarchists are the ones who want to fuck all day and let the negros share their money.
Mitt nods toward some YOUNG VOTERS who are watching.
RON (awkwardly): Or candy!
NARRATOR: Ron recently started the Alliance of Constitutionalists, an organization that blackballs any performer who reveals any faith in government.
And finally there’s Rick Perry, the youngest of Mitt’s contenders.
Enter RICK PERRY, who tries to flex his muscles and show off his new cowboy hat.
MITT: Heyyyy! You know, you don’t need to do that buddy. It’s OK.
NARRATOR: Thanks to the party’s largesse, Perry has done everything from execute retarded people…
INT. PRISON. Perry slams the electrocution lever down repeatedly until a jailor steps in and shows him how to do it gently.
NARRATOR: To compassionate conservatism, re-evaluating Texas’s treatment of illegal immigrants and their families.
INT. DEBATE HALL. JOHN HARWOOD asks Perry a question.
JOHN: Hasn’t compassion already been sort of discovered though, by, like, Roosevelt and Clinton? All those folks.
PERRY: Yeah, yeah, those guys did a pretty good job. But there’s still… you know…
Perry bites his lip and forgets what he was going to say. The camera swerves as he pulls at his collar.
NARRATOR: He also suffers from crippling panic attacks.
INT. PHOTO OP with all the GOP candidates.
NARRATOR: These are his fellow candidates. So why is he so happy? Because he’s decided to never speak to these people again.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL