Slacktory

Concert hands in the air

We’re always being told by bossy rappers and people who haven’t gotten around to buying a rhyming dictionary that we should “put our hands in the air like we just don’t care.” But that’s more difficult that it seems. It seems perfectly logical to care when our primary method of servicing ourselves sexually and fighting off attackers is left vulnerably hanging in the air. So how do you make that jump to half-heartedly wobbling around one of your paws in an effort to placate the wishes of those onstage to truly throwing your hands in unbridled, not caring, excitement?

Do you trust the singer? A great philosopher once said, “We are never more vulnerable than we are with our hands in the air.” What have they done to give you trust? Have they remembered the city that you live in and remarked upon how nice it is to be here? Have they engaged in banter with at least three audience members and playfully deflected a heckler? Don’t go rushing in and putting your hands up for the wrong person.

If you’re self-conscious then it’s impossible not to care where your hands are. Maintain good fingernail hygiene, and stop daydreaming that you’re going to be at concert where Mos Def says “Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care…except for that gross person ten rows back with the hangnail, you have to go and find yourself the hand version of a podiatrist.”

If you’re especially tall, then look out for fans. Not fellow concert goers, but actual rooftop fans that could cut off your hands. A huge part of not caring about your hands being shoved skyward comes from proper preparation, so keep an eye out for potential danger. Seventeen accidents involving hands, not caring and fans were recorded last year, and that doesn’t include possible incidents that occurred at illegal concerts held in ventilation ducts or fan factories rented out to shady promoters.

Gloves can also be a useful deterrent against the cold air that hampers the putting of limbs in the air. Did you know that in warmer months an average of 82% don’t care about putting their hands in the air, but in winter this goes down to 37%. It’s all about feeling comfortable with your hands above your head, and frostbite is not comfortable.

There’s a difference between “like you just don’t care” and “you just don’t care”. Thoughts of self-destruction have no place at concerts, just like depression has no place in a rock band. Seek a doctor if you’re throwing your hands in the air during inappropriate times just because it’s something to do.

Are you being robbed? There’s a chance that you actually left the concert several hours ago and that this person is actually engaging you in a violent display of physical superiority. This is less an invitation to forget about your inhibitions and let the music take you away and more a direct threat on your wellbeing.  So it’s best to put your hands in the air and care about happens next. Really care. Start crying if you need to. There’s no shame.

Photo CC Andrew Dill on Flickr

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