Slacktory

Morgan Freeman voice

You are now manually breathing.

You are now aware of your right hand on the mouse.

Unless you’re on a laptop, in which case you are now aware of the little bumps on the J and F keys.

You are now aware of your finger on the scroll wheel, your feet on the floor or how your monitor could stand to be just a bit dimmer or brighter.

You are now aware how much time you’ve spent jerking off in that chair. Unless it’s your work chair, in which you’re now aware your predecessor probably jerked off.

At work you’re aware that if you gnash your teeth the lights flicker, and at home you’re aware the floor is dirty.

You’re aware of the last meal you ate at your computer while reading blogs, but you forget everything you read.

You’re not aware how many words you’ve read on this screen since you last read a book, but I assure you it is too many.

You’re vaguely aware of how you got to this post, and you might be aware exactly how many came before you, and if you’ve read this far, you now feel the itch to “like” or “upvote”, but you are now aware there are buttons for that at the end, so you may free yourself of this particular awareness.

Good news everyone! You are now reading this in Professor Farnsworth’s voice.

You are now aware that Reddit knows a lot of these.

You’re breathing manually again.

You’re blinking manually too.

You are now aware that the second-person narrative can be powerful, but you are now aware of a major limitation of that power. For instance, you are not now aware of your eight tentacles. Though you may now be aware of a gnawing in your stomach, and if so, you are again aware of the “powerful” bit.

You are now aware (and may have been for a while) that refrains suffer from semantic satiation and, worse, they become cloying, especially when they started out smug.

You are now aware of how your younger self feels like a separate person, albeit one you know intimately, but whose actions and their motives can puzzle you at least as much as a friend’s. You are now aware that you can even feel this way about your self of yesterday, and (at certain climactic moments) about your self of minutes ago. You are now aware of the gulf between the you who started reading this and the more-aware you of now.

You itch, your tongue is restless, you’ve lost The Game, you’ve decided there is no Game, you are now chiding yourself 1) for even knowing what The Game is and 2) for losing it.

If I’m lucky, you are now aware you’re listening to silence in your headphones, and if I’m very lucky, you are now aware that even though you had no say in the matter for the first few years, everyone knows you as Greg.

You’re now aware I used a contraction this time, you are are now aware I just repeated a word, you are now aware this clause is false, and you are now aware that last clause was… untrue.

You are now aware that clicking the first non-parenthetical link in a Wikipedia article, then repeating that step, will eventually take you to the page for “philosophy”, you are now aware this observation was posted on xkcd, you are possibly aware for the first time that xkcd 1) has a alt text and 2) exists, and you are now aware that since this comic was published some articles have led to “science” instead.

You are now aware that dead humans outnumber live ones about 1 to 6, you are now aware that most household dust is human skin, and you are now aware that the skin fact is actually a common misconception. You are now aware that awareness is not necessarily the same as knowledge, or that I am misusing the word “aware”, especially in this sentence.

You are now aware that the share buttons have arrived. You are now aware of someone you know who should read this. You are now aware you don’t mind being manipulated.

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